Monday, May 28, 2012

Favorite Things: Hooked on America

Amy Chow's tribute to the South.  You know she puts Aunt Jemima on her Eggos.

There is nothing that warms my heart more than a hideous skating or gymnastics exhibition performed to We're Coming to America.  One must remember that people in the skating world are off, and people in gymnastics---skating's trashy cousin, are worse.  In the skating world, mothers pimp their daughters to any foreign skating federation in order to get them out of regionals.  If there is a Russian ice dancer who shows up at the rink one day, mothers will line their daughters up with bottles of vodka in hopes that said Russian will leave his wife, bang their daughter and get her out of 27th place at North Atlantics.  These skaters then pretend to be patriotic and wholesome, while their Jewish parents seek out Israeli citizenship with every missed Triple Lutz.

Gymnastics is a sad case where women and guido pedophile-looking men sporting mullets spend their days wearing track suits.  Their answer to anything is to add more vinyl and glitz to their leotards.

In both sports, the athletes take themselves very seriously and believe that their performances are lifting the spirits of the troops, who likely would rather be doing anything than watching figure skating or gymnastics.  (Let's be honest, not everyone is in the Navy.)

Sasha Cohen thought that showing off her beautiful breast buds and skating to a French Canadian was wonderfully patriotic.  This program does have the distinction of being a bonafide gay pride parade.  It contributed a great deal to the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

I love that Kyoko Ina was patriotic.  Kyoko couldn't hack it in singles in America, so she and her robotic bitchy artistry competed for Japan only to meet the first wave of Japanese powerhouses.  After losing to the likes of Rena Inoue, Kyoko became American again and eventually teamed up with the hottest partner known to mankind.  He couldn't jump for shit, but I have no doubt that his good looks lifted the spirits of skating fans everywhere.

There is nothing more wonderful than a gymnastics meet being held in America.  The European nations will never quit bitching that the results would be different abroad and they often bring up the conspiracy of their loss in Atlanta.  But, the true highlight of any American-held World Championship or Olympic Games is that some  Romanian bitch always shows up with the tackiest American patriotic midi file as their floor music in hopes of endearing themselves to the rowdy American crowds.  It never works, as the American crowds are too focused on beating their asses to even watch their routines.  Ask Roza Galieva.  No one saw her tears in Atlanta.  And no one would've cared.

Does Milo appear hooked on America to you?

Peggy Liddick was clearly drinking when she forced shy little Shannon to perform this routine.

I once told Timothy Goebel that I had a hard time remembering any of his exhibitions.  He replied that it was because he put about as much effort into them as it looked like.  Tim, always a numbers guy, looked like he was counting his prize money with every landed quad.  There are actual moments of this skating where he looks like he is enjoying skating an exhibition, but he is likely just thinking about how much his fee will go up on Champions on Ice for being an Olympic medalist.  The fact that Tim actually gave half a shit about this program is a clear indication of his future love for Fox News.

What is most wonderful about Belgosto is that Tanith was America's sweetheart before she ever had American citizenship.  Prior to obtaining citizenship, the media actually had to pay some attention to Ben Agosto, being only actually red-blooded American.  After he dragged our eye candy around the ice to an Olympic medal, our use for him was over.  Tanith's costume here may be the most patriotic tribute to the troops ever seen in figure skating.  Late at night on the base, they are proud of her medal-winning ways.

Tara Lipinski is always telling me that I need to actually be more patriotic and not just root for opposing countries all the time.  What is most adorable about this program, choreographed by Canadians, is that Tara purely loves skating it and views it as her patriotic post-9/11 contribution.

Tara was never shy about donning an American flag is this questionably inappropriate number that was all Sandra Bezic's doing.  Whorifing Lulu wasn't enough for her.  Kudos.

Kristi Yamaguchi interpreted a lovely song last heard on Main Street USA in a Disney parade circa 1989.  This is why the fireworks shows at Epcot now have soundtracks.

I've always admired Paul Wylie for being so open about his lust for John F. Kennedy.  I share it and admire his bold desire to be a Kennedy paramour.

Listening to Sarah Hughes mumble that overly-long opening always made me want to buy her a new retainer.  Then she'd start skating this Robin Wagner masterpiece and it just wouldn't end.  It was as though Sarah and Robin wanted to remind us of the horror of their Olympic win for as long as possible.  This is a program that only Sarah, Robin and Lucy Brennan, the skating judged who politicked for her from the Skating Club of New York, could enjoy.  I love that Sarah is interpreting a beautiful song performed by one of the old nuns from the abbey in the Sound of Music.  Climb Every Mountain, Sarah, til you find your dream.


  1. There was a good stretch in the early '90s when every skater would skate an exhibition number to "God Bless The USA," and one wondered if we were being relegated to some special patriot hell where they only played Lee Greenwood.

    I never understood why the Romanians thought American music was limited to Yankee Doodle Dandy-type songs.

  2. Sasha was a genius ahead of her time. Little did we know then that mainstream American media would be the latest Britney or Lindsay crotch shot. Sasha gave us 3 in that performance alone.

    Belgosto will be missed. That performance was as believable as Senorita Lysacek's torrid love affair with HBIC, Nastia.

    Sadly, nothing in this post was as American as the recent Shawn Johnson post. There's nothing more American as being happily overweight (for her sport) and claiming success over an eating disorder.

  3. All over the world, American troops are rejoicing over this post. Thank you Aunt Joyce.

    On the other hand I don't know what is worse...a Hughes/Wagner American tribute program or weapons of mass destruction.

  4. "the clarity of sa-lahn dion singing"

    and how could you forget the Magnificent Seven's god-awful Proud To Be An American?

  5. Goeble likes fox news?

  6. I can't get through anything that sarah skates to. I really have tried. Judges set skating back giving her the win...eek.

  7. Bless your little hearts, commenters. You make me feel as though I, like Sarah, never walk alone.