Saturday, January 15, 2011
Miss America Is Miss Bullshit
It is upsetting me greatly that Miss Massachusetts was not selected for the semifinals. Loren Galler Rabinowitz was clearly not selected because she is short and Jewish. The judges probably didn't want her to bring up her grandparents surviving the Holocaust in an interview. Watching this pageant, that clearly isn't the sort of thing one goes for. Loren should sue them.
Loren Galler Rabinowitz is a fabulous ice dancing diva who deserved her shot to play the Swan on the piano for the talent competition instead of this Miss Nebraska whore who is pounding the keys and banging along. There was no musical training at a conservatory with her two young Jewish sisters. Loren even promised never to rhyme again after making this impromptu video. Loren made her intro at the pageant about being from the place of the original tea party, when is was actually about tea. The other contestants labeled her a Marxist liberal based on her last name and put her in their Midwestern crosshairs.
Someone also needs to tell this white girl that she cannot get away with singing Papa Was A Rolling Stone.
Watching this pageant, I thought what I would find most endearing would be the way they all pretend to be happy for one another. It is like whenever Meryl Davis and Tessa Virtue seem overly chummy during a World or Olympic Competition. It is all said through the gritted teeth of a forced smile.
Then, there was the commentary about how much these women gain by being in this pageant. They gain such confidence. Because, yes, I always worried that beauty queens weren't overly pleased with themselves.
DSW has been providing substantive pre-taped interviews with former Miss Americas throughout the pageant. There was even one about how many pairs of shoes these women all brought with them, because that is the sort of depth that elevates them over Miss Universe.
Then the talent competition comes and we have to see some girl who can't manage a split dancing ballet.
Miss Washington claims that when she picks a gown, she doesn't even think about being sexy. She wants to wear what her future children would be proud to see her in.
One genius contestant spent considerable time talking about her pink comfy shoes she is wearing backstage. It sounded like a personal ad: I like to be dressy and casual, all wrapped up into one.
Miss Felaware is a talentless bimbo, so she is prancing around like a slut trying to reenact Center Stage's The Way You Make Me Feel scene. It has not been successful.
I sorta liked Miss Arkansas until I learned she is a singing ventriloquist.
Which is more cringeworthy? Miss Kentucky talking about a gown made out of pepperoni or Brooke Burke's hosting? I. just. don't. know.
I regret having to listen to a blonde talk about acting with discretion throughout life. Whatever happened to achieving world peace? When I asked LGR, she had a plan: she was going to befriend Miss Universe, the first Muslim winner in a spirit of global unity.
Brooke Burke keeps asking each contestant what they're thinking, as they wait for the title to be announced. Her questions are about as good as they are on Dancing With The Stars. Give me the damn tiara.
If you are eliminated by Brooke Burke, you will be eliminated. One girl said she was glad knowing any of the five would do the job well, and then she was axed.
It is Chopsticks vs. The Self-Proclaimed Racially Ambiguous Singing Ventriloquist
And the winner is..
The horrendous pianist.
The youngest Miss America ever. Just as cringe-worthy as Tara Lipinski.