Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Make It Or Break It: As The Giant Swings

As our girls gear up for their big finale, it is only appropriate that I get my ass into gear and discuss the d-r-a-m-a of the past few episodes. Even for this sometimes corny show, the drama is impressive and has me wondering how it will all go down during tonight's summer finale.

Let's break it down, girl by girl.

Oh yes, big girls have dreams too. Payson is in the midst of becoming an 'artistic gymnast' and has been overwhelmingly inspired by Coach Sasha Belov. My third arm was feeling a bit inspired when I saw him at the ballet bar in tights, so I can understand Payson's crush. But poor Payson...she has his photo on her wall, wears his gold medal to bed, brings him dinner and even kisses him during practice. I get that he exudes the confidence of a well-endowed man, but Ms. Keeler needs to tone it down a notch. She is becoming borderline Fatal Attraction (or Swim Fan for some of the less cultured readers), or is posting John Mayer lyrics in her facebook status at the very least.

Ridding herself of her inner P.E. teacher hasn't been all that simple for Pay. Sasha has had to work overtime with this one to teach her how to walk in heels. While she is in desperate need of a few Sex And The City DVDs to tap her inner fabulousness, Sasha came up with the curious idea of having Payson close her eyes, hold bottles of paint and create a painting based on her feelings. It was perhaps the most cringe-worthy scene in the series that we've witnessed in a while. Of course, Payson's canvas was supposedly inspired and rife with color. In reality, it looked like one of those paintings made by an autistic child that would sell for thousands of dollars at some yuppie benefit.

Payson's mom ran for President of the Rock but was defeated by the evil Lord Voldemort (Steve Tanner.) It is yet to see how the Keelers will respond to this, as Payson's Olympic dream is hanging on by a thread.

The girl from the other side of the tracks has been getting in touch with her issues lately. We've seen her stubborn "I don't take no charity" attitude come through after Ellen Biels plotted to make sure she found out that the ''business group" funding her charity was actually Steve Tanner. Emily forced Steve Tanner to take her money from "the shack" and the family now can't even pay their electric bill. It is amazing how quickly the Kmetkos are always able to fall on hard times.

Being the goodie two shoes bad ass that she is, Emily stole two pills to combat her brother's seizure, even though she left the money for them. Our girl was arrested and has been trying to keep it on the D.L., but you know Lauren will get her hands on that mugshot any second.

Lately, we've seen Chloe getting dressed up for her "new office job" that somehow has evening hours. While I do have dreams of seeing her walk on the corner or work a pole, we'll probably see her singing atop a counter at some '50s theme restaurant. Will Steve come to the family's rescue and represent Emily? Is he a lawyer? WTF DOES he do?

Because this is Emily, men have been barging into her life lately. The Rocker (Damon, I think, I'm giving up on the names) returned despite having some pact not to see each other for two years. Teenagers just take those things so seriously. He returned for some obvious product placement for an anti-smoking PSA and visited Emily. Razor led him to believe something was going on with him and Emily and trailer trash was too dumb to open her mouth and tell him otherwise. She is capable of robbing a store yet never can open her mouth when she needs to. The Y+R fan in me likes to imagine that Emily robbed the pharmacist at gun point and then raped him, but this is a family show. World Trials are coming up and surely her legal troubles will play a role.

The Danielle Staub of the series has been raising hell all over the place. After terrorizing Chloe, her father's girlfriend stupidly decided to cut her a break and gave her the option of telling him she was having sex or else she herself would. Lauren, always "misunderstood," took the opportunity to have Summer tell her father for her and make him think that Chloe knew about it all along. Steve summarily dumped Chloe after being unable to forgive her, even though she forgave him for having a psychotic daughter, lying to her family and being a selfish asshole.

Lauren dumped Carter after convincing herself that all her cared about was not getting kicked out of the Rock, but she appears to be over it. We did learn that Lauren's mother has been trying to see her, but was scared off by Steve. It is unclear whether we're supposed to feel bad for Lauren now that her mother died in a car crash.

Ms. Evil saw a tape of Payson kissing Sasha and sent a screen grab to Ellen Biels. It is unclear why Lauren hates Sasha, but she wants him out of the Rock because it will somehow help her make the Olympics. Realistically, she just wanted to humiliate Payson and raise hell.

While we haven't seen her have any apparent interest in her own career, Lauren is desperate for 'control of the rock.' Now that Steve is present, he, Lauren and Ellen should become the perfect trifecta of bitch. It is only a matter of time before they become one happy family.

Kaylie's eating disorder is SERIOUS. She hasn't actually lost any weight, but Kaylie has been hiding all of her meals in her gym bag. While her illness hasn't quite lived up to the frenzy of Jesse Spano's caffeine pill addiction, we have seen her become quite testy over being offered food. Hungry and bitchy. Hungry and bitchy.

Kaylie was ready to bitchslap Sasha when he actually took a few minutes to coach her. Of course, Ellen Biels, the only realistic elite coach, told her that her diet and body are perfection.

The was one delicious moment to open last week's show when Kaylie said "Mom, I'm flipping eight hours a day. Does that really sound like someone who has an eating disorder?" Apparently Kaylie isn't familiar with any of the World or Olympic Champions over the last forty years.

For an added incentive to watch tonight's finale: there will be all sorts of revisionist history where Bela Karolyi is always positive and never yelling at his gymnasts for being fat or lazy. Hell, we'll probably even see him feeding Kaylie mac and cheese.. This is one episode NOT to be missed.


  1. "It is unclear why Lauren hates Sasha, but she wants him out of the Rock because it will somehow help her make the Olympics."

    She hates Sasha because Summer finally admitted to dating him and anyone who is keeping Summer from being her step-mommy needs to be eliminated. Making the Olympics will never be anywhere near as important as indulging her mommy issues.

  2. "Steve summarily dumped Chloe after being unable to forgive her, even though she forgave him for having a psychotic daughter, lying to her family and being a selfish asshole."

    HAHAHAHA. This show is awful, completely unrealistic, and at points makes zero sense, but I MUST watch it every week! It is a trainwreck I cannot pry myself away from.

    Someone please tell these characters it's "World Trials", not "Worlds Trials".... The latter sounds so friggin stupid.

    This show has taken such a dark turn lately with Lauren acting bitchier than ever before and Emily getting arrested. It's rather funny. Thanks for the review!

  3. Anyone find it weird that like half the parents at the gym seem to want Sasha ousted? Ummm, aren't you people at the Rock because you want your kids coached by him? Most of the people there seem to want their kids to go coachless. Such a bizarre plot.

  4. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that Sasha lives in a trailer outside of the gym? That in itself should scare off parents.

  5. This show gets crazier and farther from reality with each and every episode. Thanks for the review. Always love your comments about MIOBI!

  6. Payson seems to get larger every episode. As a regular girl she looks fine, but as someone playing a gymnast on TV, girl needs to DIET. It's getting ridiculous and is literally becoming the elephant in the room. My favorite part was in an earlier episode when Sasha asked her to get on the scale to measure her height, and she was in disbelief that he was going to (gasp) weigh her. That and the Kaylie eating disorder line -- everyone all worried about her as if eating disorders and gymnastics don't go hand in hand -- is so completely unrealistic...I mean, I get that this is the roses and kittens version of elite gymnastics (they get to eat pizza!) but still. It doesn't have to be so laughable.

  7. Are you people blind? The actress that plays Peyton has lost weight this year. She is not in gymnast shape and the leotards they use don't help but she has actually lost weight this year.

  8. Thanks for the update, eagerly awaiting tonight's episode and so hoping that Summer tells Lauren it was daddy dearest who chased mommy away from seeing her at Nationals.

  9. Why don't think girls where the spandex shorts over their leotards in practice like a lot of real gymnasts do? At least then Payson doesn't have to be only in a leotard all the time. I mean, I think she looks fine, just not like a typical gymnast like Kaylie does.

  10. Actually a lot of gyms, especially high level ones, don't allow gym shorts to be worn during practice. Many have rules such as only during warm up and exercises. Biker shorts break up the line of the leg and usually aren't allowed to be worn especially on artistic events such as beam and floor.

  11. Since when is watching Fatal Attraction "cultural"?

  12. Just watched the new episode...it's most ridiculous one yet.

  13. The Lord Voldemort comparison was utter perfection.

  14. Saw the finale. Words cannot describe.

  15. these girls are all obese. At this rate, Mary Lee would look better then they do.

  16. the girl in the middle of the photo doesn't seem to have any legs below the balance beam.

  17. Her one leg is there... The other one is off to the side because she's "stretching".

    The Finale was absolutely absurd. Never could I have imagined that all of those people-- the police, the boyfriend, the parents, EVERYONE -- would have been allowed on the competition floor right in the middle of the "World Trials", which was to be closed to the public. Payson didn't even have to be invited to the competition to show up and earn a spot on the World team, without doing any tumbling. Hilariously awful!

  18. Oh it was bad, lol. I kept asking myself why I was watching it. Granted I ff through half of it (thankgoodness for my dvr)but I do like Austin! And I didn't think it was possible but I dislike Summer even more...geesh, lol. I respect that she is a Christian but she needs to relax and chill! Also Kaylie really needs to stop with the National Champion stuff...we got it thanks, lol.

    Anne Marie

  19. Biggest mystery (LOL), where was Kelly Parker, the number 2 gymnast in the country? Yes, in real life the actress who plays Kelly is filming the sequel to Mean Girls but no explanation on the show why she is missing?? Oh, and only on MIOBI can a gymnast who is not on the national team perform one routine and get named to the world team.

  20. the show was never gona win an emmy or anything but it has gotten worse & worse in terms of writing, reality and plot. I'm actually disappointed.

  21. I agree with the post right above...the first 10 episodes, while ridiculous, were actually ok...these past 20 have been just absurd. Don't even get me started about no Kelly Parker in the finale either...

  22. No Kelly Parker was just as ridiculous as Payson swooping in at the last second to claim a Worlds spot. Absurd show.