Live Commentary: The Senior Ladies Final

Live Results (Video link may work.)

Here we go bitches. Davey's back. Apparently this won't be shown live on the West Coast. I'd feel bad, but a surge of East Coast pride is washing over me at the moment. It is the same feeling one feels when people with about the Yankees just buying another victory. Oh, boo hoo. Way to root for the poor team.

And yes, I know it is not officially referred to as the Junior Ladies Final in gymnastics; however, we need to class this sport up a bit and not have it be some muscular, boyish looking girls wearing heinous shiny leotards.

WestPalmBitch is at the arena with Johnny. For those who don't follow John R on twitter, he was all sorts of weirded out and "is this for real" about Diva Johnny and his Weirness during the Olympics. The two have already posed for a photo and it should be a delightful hot mess on the big orange couch later tonight. Johnny Weir's outfit looks like yet another audition for RuPaul's Drag Race. Contestant? Judge? Either way, he'd make one hell of an addition to the show. His people have been in talks for getting him a guest spot on ANTM at some point.

Obligatory Rebecca Bross, Nastia and Carly mention. Nastia and Carly both look to be dressed like country singers. According to Margaret Thatcher, country singers always do look a little drag...

My Mom keeps saying, "Nastia looks old." I ask, "Do you mean fat?" Mom: "She looks mature."

Mattie Larson is looking fabulous. Love the leotard. She is even prettier than she was two years ago. And she is rocking the smokey eye! Girl, you betta work! Gorgeous double layout. Even better triple full. Hip swirl! Very diva. 2 1/2+Front Layout...a little Tashaish. Hits every note on the accents. Diva walk... unfortunately a wide angle. Double Pike+Leap. Nice job girl. 15.350

Martha looking intense.

Aly Raisman- Flexed feet here we come. I hate her hands. She looks less depressed in magenta. Nice 150 degree split on the split half. Grabbed the beam. Girl, you grab the bars, not the beam. Just when everyone has started bitching about you too... Step on the dismount. Girl, time to start peaking again. Looks like you grew since March and it shows.

It is 8:11 and Tim has already said ginormous.

Every time Al calls Kytra explosive, I feel like he is about to slip and say something racist. Kelli Hill doesn't care enough to coach her. What is the name of Kelli's new Bulgarian assistant?

I like that Alicia's leotard is a bit different than Aly's. (and a bit better)

For one of the commenters, the link to live results has a link to live video (as it says so on the top of the page... *sigh*)

Another mention of Sloan pulling her boob. NBC, show us the bruise on her arm already!

The VISA Championships are brought to you by...VISA!

Alicia- Please do Raisman's makeup. He needs help. NBC will just loooove that front pike for the next two years. Too bad Moceanu didn't do a Yurchenko 1 1/2 in Sydney. Little wobble on the mount. Oh Alicia, don't fall. NBC will never let you live it down. Looks like she is a little off to one side...maybe her one shoulder didn't warm up the same as the other...a little raised today (girl has some serious shoulders.) Left out the layout stepout after the pike front. Tasha did a routine with all leaps. Alicia does one with all front somis. 2BHS+Double Pike-1 Alicia step. Good job. 14.950.

Oh God, I corrected Elfi out loud and say three times. Then Tim said it... Shoot me.

Rebecca Bross...IT girl. Yes, she is just like Megan Fox. Oh yes, a leap on to beam commands my attention. So difficult. Arabian..stuck. Always with the one arm up. She keeps getting thinner and more ripped. I have to say, it makes her look better. And I'm going to hell for saying that. She hasn't eaten since falling at Worlds. Nice back leg on the switch ring. Side somi- chest down. Take it out. Punch front. Stands up and then a wobble..wtf. Double Arabian..one small step forward. Solid. Girl is winning Worlds this year. Get used to it. There is no stopping it. 15.400

I HAVE tried the Humphrey and I hate Terin even more as a result.

Why didn't Carly sing the National Anthem? She was SO GOOD on Celebrity Duets.

Va Zam- They love to show her fucking up on beam. Apparently Va Zam trains about 1/10th as much as Bridget Sloan and is still effing amazing. Henrietta Onodi should commentate and point out her own damn move. They mention her enough. I'm old enough to know who she is and remember when she competed... Yes, she fell because Allison Taylor wasn't there being a doofus. Stuck 2 1/2. Val is her beam coach. She doesn't waste any time taping her ankle for floor. That fall was on a stupid back tuck. She is too talented. Start doing actual routines in workout, honey!

It is so wrong that Mattie Larson actually lost ground on Rebecca Bross during the first rotation.

In honor of these emaciated bitches, I am drinking Diet Root Beer. Ugh, no caffeine either...

Yes, Carly...tell us about that night you had to get your stomach pumped at that party at OU.

Carly always noticed Rebecca's knees. Oh God, Nastia took the NBC bait and asked if Rebecca could make a WOGA Three-peat.

Tim, you're wrong again. Komova and Grishina are better than Rebecca Bross on their worst days.

Aly Raisman- He can't do his hair or his makeup. Humidity is the only excuse for that frizz and that arena is air conditioned! Alicia never used this fucking music. Update your media guide! Round off+ 1 1/2+thru to+Cowboyed Arabian Double Front+Leap, Beastly Stuck Triple Full, Where is his flair sequence? Double Tuck...better be a 1/2 in, 1/2 out. Ditch the double arabian puck, 1/2 step on Double Pike. Elfi should say: that did not draw me in. Yes, there certainly are so many more things you need to perfect.

Look at Elfi applauding code whoring. It only took the USA 20 months to get the memo. (aka a fucking clue.)

Do they really make Alicia touch floor? Ridiculous. Please show her touching bars.

Mattie Larson- Just about stuck. Little pike down, but much better than it was a year ago.

Wu Jiani looks so serious! Macko better hit bars in a few minutes.

Chelsea Davis- Huge releases. Little leg break in the handstand (that's not gonna get a 9.95...) Jaegar...too close and a fall. Way to blow it. Oh well, Kim also blew ass on that release. Out of handstand on full turn. Legs a little iffy on low bar on the catch of the bail. Stuck dismount.

Rebecca Bross- A Shannon Millerified Dark Eyes. Front Layout+Double Front. 1 1/2+Front Double Full. No jump on either pass. Smile during your stupid choreography. This is your moment. Antonia needs to be shot for this routine. At least it is miles better than Raisman. No Memmel turn, gracias a dios! 2 1/2+Front Layout Full. Better for her on floor. Valeri acknowledges his gray hair. Does he need a little Just For Men?! 14.950

Heather gets her TV moment behind Valeri during the replay!!!!!

Whitcomb just sort of stared at Bross there. That's the only airtime she's been given lately.

NBC still obsessed with Briley. Who does she know there? Sure, show the out of shape girl on the endurance event... Tumbling isn't as good as she used to do. Is this yet another remix of Dark Eyes? Get a new fucking song! She looks ready for Bama. Thank goodness Sarah Patterson is there to recruit.

Bridget Sloan needs to hit her damn beam routine. We do need a third beamer and Raisman is pissing away her batting average on the apparatus.

Universal Sports commercial for Youth Olympics. Viva Viktoria Komova!

Bridget Sloan is getting ready for her one beam routine. According to Peszek, that is about as much as she does during a normal training session.

Magenta is a good color for Sloan. Does that mean she's also going to Fat Bama?

Sloan got a pectoral injury in bed. I hope she got it from David Boudia. She tweets him a lot. PS He got a monstrous 605 total at Diving Nationals today, his most frequently given score was 10!

UnderCovers commercial using someone's old floor music.

Sloan- Wobble on front aerial and big ass pause. Hit her level 9 series this time. Hit side aerial. Squatty front tuck. She can't even blame the injury on that. Just her dismount...um where are the skills in that routine? Double Pike- step. Whatever. "Now we have to get to work." 13.850

Alicia- Rudi. Nice. I wait for her to adjust her jockstrap on the walk back from vault. She has the best strut between vaults 1 and 2 ever! It is always badass. She used to adjust her grips. 22 yrs old...whatever Chusovitina has an AARP card. Interesting hairdo. DTY...no stick. Not like she ever sticks it.

Whose horrendous floor are we missing during these replays? I remember the music and not liking it...

Keep mentioning Valeri's gray. Next, he'll be endorsing Just For Men. My bitch daughter stressed me out and now I have all this gray!

Bross- DTY. Knees in the air. Didn't get the same stick as last year. Is that Kailey Tissue next to her? 14.650

Va Zam- Cheng Vault I live for how thin she is. Like Kupets, she got thinner in NCAA. One knee down...otherwise good vault.

Kytra Hunter- Beam. Possible contender for Rhonda's beam lineup. That wobble isn't convincing me. Front puck. Jeremy, fix her choreography ever. Fix everything about her. Fix the leo too. Get this girl a gay STAT. Fix her switch 1/2 too. Round Off+Double Arabian. One step. Short routine. Kelli's new Bulgarian is a man of few words.

I miss the days when Dawes, Miller, Strug and Zmeskal gave one another bitchface. This niceness among National Team Members needs to end. I enjoy painfully awkward Olympic Teams like the Barcelona gang. Where's Kerri Strug to be the morale officer?

Raisman- Fix the frizz. DTY. I love the little hop to her run. Nice DTY. Redeeming herself for beam (and her future bar routine.)

Why doesn't Alicia just get a few more tattoos? Remember when Mohini and Blaine had to tape over their tattoos? How can they fix that trash on her? Yes Alicia, we know you're an Olympian. We remember you falling on your ass.

Mattie Larson- J'adore the Soviet body line. Mattie is worthy of training in a T shirt and leggings. God, floor music is awful. Small hop on double layout. Things would be so different if she was like this on night one?! Um, she was like this on night one! Way to be sleeping with your eyes open, Al! 14.350

Macko has random white stuff on her face. Is she at least 18? Do they give ''the talk'' at the ranch? We're going to blow on bars no matter what in Rotterdam. Clean yourself off for TV. And she is off. She is so the new Marissa King for Rhonda. Way to blow it. You just aren't made of mental win! Saved a fall on the low bar. Otherwise decent routine. Maybe that fugly ass hair bow weighed her down? Al, you know she doesn't get points back. You know Martha doesn't forgive or forget! You've been doing this for way too long now. Wu Jiani is PISSED.

Alicia- She is just so pleased. Let's discuss that countdown to retirement on facebook. Ha! Maybe I'll have another countdown in a little bit!

Bross goes 8 for 8. Sticks the dismount. Valeri is relieved. As is his new sasquatch assistant coach. 14.900.

They made Alicia wait to touch!

Kytra Hunter- Jeremy (Rhonda's main gay) has already been notified about this routine. Lots of work ahead of him. WTF is this vocal?! This is what happens when you're coached by lesbians. All power. No style. Just like NASCAR. Did she let Bridget Sloan choreograph this? Nice tumbling.

Aly Raisman- If Alicia didn't back, she would have been a three-event gymnast. Our eyes would've been better off. It is like when some commenter was whining about Whitcomb not doing beam. Please, no wants want to see it and they sure as hell don't want to do it. Did she even do eight skills on bars? 13.950

Mattie Larson- The crowd favorite. She should not be going for the Tasha leaps. Iffy switch ring. No ring shape. You shouldn't do a Y-turn when you are weakest on beam. Undertwisted and underrotated 2 1/2. What happened to a double tuck?! MLT needs to tell her what we're taking out of this routine. Her legs went all Va Zam on that dismount. 14.000

No Al, that 13.950 was a gift for Aly, as was that 14 for Mattie.

Macko Caquatto- Only one to connect that series tonight. Do I spy a Moceanu/Lyssenko leg? I live for those. Horrendous beam choreography. Double puck dismount...almost Jaycie Phelpsed the dismount. She looks nothing like Shawn Johnson. Wu Jiani looks pissed.

Bridgey is so cute. 14.050

Looks like Bross may actually have a personality. Do they now put ASac next to people to draw out personality?

The same gym? That's ridiculous. Yes. We get it.

Random thought: I'd kill to know Wu Jiani's bra size.

Nastia interviewing Rebecca. Shoot me. Rebecca is a cutie. Is Elfi getting nervous? NBC is clearly forcing the Nastia is commentator role on all of us. As is her Power Jew agent.

The gymnastics has ended. Now the post show. Sadly, it is likely what we've been waiting for aside from the videos of Maroney's Vault and Katelyn Ohashi's Day 2 routines.

What enlightening comments does Sloan have for us today? Is there enough time for Worlds? She has a plan for Worlds. The first camp is far too close. Andrea believes it. Not like we have millions of options. Macko opened up the door for her on bars.

Nice that they're doing a 1980 Fluff. Sadly, we won't get to see any shots of Kurt Thomas. I live for how early the trials were before Bela came into town. Bart Conner was twinktwastic. Kudos if you just named everyone shown.

I bet KJC was one of the ones crying. Beth R too. Beth is looking like Courtney Cox lately.

UB Awards...Macko blows it and Whitcomb winds up second on the event. Makes things interesting.

Did NBC even advertise the post shown on Universal Sports? Why do I feel like the online bloggers do their marketing for them?

John R hosting. Slip up already.

Ivana Hong in the house. No microphone. Can't hear her. Way to give her the mic, Nastia. Bad ass battlewound! Looks like Ivana got rid of whatever thigh fat she was asking her teammate about getting rid of. Back to training everything in one month. "With ME!" Nastia mentions herself already.

What does Ivana Hong do for fun? You suck, John. You're only slightly better than Anne Phillips.

Nastia, ripped jeans are over. You have a fashion line?! Ay dios mio! Granted, all the designers on Project Runway dress like absolute shit. As does the other designer wannabe about to join the big orange couch.

Johnny Weir on the couch. How do you keep from wedgies? Tape or glue situation? Tough skin. Tasha always fixed hers. WTF is with his hair? Not cute. Great, we have boas. And to think, Johnny's new book will announce that he's sat on 10,000 poles.

That awful mullet is back. "Your girl, why doesn't she smile?" Back flip has been done. Add a twist! Sadly, Michael Weiss has done that. Bars with music. Sadly, I've seen the Reese's Cup.

Speaks Russian. She totally didn't understand him.

Why is every company always a Proud Sponsor? What, are there shame-based Sponsors?

Rebecca and Valeri on the couch. How much did IG2's editor pay John to pimp out there magazine?

Way for Nastia to answer Rebecca's question for her and randomly talk about training partners when the question was about winning.

"Today is going to be over very quickly. Next, you're not going to fall at Worlds."

Valeri is not happy about that jaegar! "That little boohoo!"

Valeri goes hunting with Bela. Genius. Where the hell do they go hunting?! "Are you sure it wasn't Martha? Martha a wild boar. Rebecca hopes to make the team and wishes everyone good luck. I love how her voice goes up at the end of every sentence. She doesn't care who makes the team; she knows they aren't winning.

Do Nastia and Alicia have appearance deals with NBC like Kwan did with ABC? "You must be on TV this many minutes in 2010!

Va Zam makes the National Team. Let the fun begin with the Val-Martha showdown.

"Obviously we have two more camps, so a lot of people can break."

Alicia: "Having camps is the best for our team. It keeps us on our toes and from being failures like the men."

Alicia is going to work on beam connections. About fucking time. What is it now, 22 years?

John R brings up the Alicia punching someone out video. Only two years too late!

That concludes the first year of 'Around The Gym Hallelujah! Hot mess.

Senior Ladies' National Team: Rebecca Bross, Mattie Larson, Aly Raisman, Macko Caquatto, Kytra Hunter, Chelsea Davis, Sam Shapiro, Bridget Sloan, Va Zam, Morgan Smith, Cassie Whitcomb, Alicia Sacramone and Amanda Jetter.

Is there a Gulag we can send Nastia to for about five months? We need her fat ass back on the team.