Monday, October 25, 2010

Women's Beam EFs, aka ROMmie love - Catty Comments

The beam final was everything a gymnastics fan could want - something old (Sacramone), something new (HBIC, Dementieva), something borrowed (DLL birth certificate) and something (electric and oil slick-shiny) blue (Demyanchuk.)

Alicia Sacramone didn't win beam. She didn't even win a medal. Anything after vault gold was merely icing on the imaginary (until tomorrow, when she leaves Marta's grasp) cake.

But bitch did the routine she wanted to do in Beijing TFs 2 years ago - she went up first and nailed that routine to the wall. Since USAG dollfaces Nastia "I'm a beard/no I'm not/That's what she said People Magazine" Liukin & Shawn "Dancing with the Nekkid Guy from SATC I" Johnson are eating food in 2010, Sacramone finally got to compete in a beam final.

I've seen Sacramone compete beam several times in person and many times on video, and this was the routine of her life, even with a step on the landing. She even made the fugly-ass chinstand look somewhat presentable. Quarterback bf Brady Quinn will hopefully take inspiration from her, sitting 3rd-string behind Kyle Orton & Tim Tebow on a team that just lost to the Raiders by 45, yes 45 points. I hope Alicia gets to go to their game in London this week and shops & eats pastries the rest of the time.

How good was Sacramone? Even going 1st, she had the top E score in a beam final with HBIC, Whitey, Still Not 16 But Already Burnt Out, Awkward Aussie, Underfed Romanian, Elegant Spaz Commie, and Ukie, named as such since "Elegant Headcase Ukie" is triple-redundant. Only a .4-.5 lower E score kept her off the podium. Sacramone makes Marta look like a genius.

Defending silver medalist Awkward Aussie mounted with her awkward signature mount, then her  awkward signature triple turn in her NCAA leo. She had a solid, but not fabulous (for her) routine. I shudder to think what her carriage & presentation would be like had she not competed for years alongside fabu-bitch Daria Joura. Bobbles left Awkward in 4th.

Next, Bross Whitey mounted with a vengance. After a bobbly 2009 AA beam, a bobbly 2010 beam and a fally 2010 AA beam, everyone had the sense that Vampira was hungry and needed fresh blood. Maybe she's now down to blood since Marta eliminated all other sources of sustenance from her life.  A couple of balance checks, hop after the punch front & a small step on the landing was all that kept Bross from Underfed Romanian.

Then Ukie mounted with an intricate routine including the only back full (tucked) of the finals and choreography showcasing backward steps, arm circles, and no neck. Bitch needs to breathe. She had a relatively clean, yet stilted routine until she Ukie-d the dismount.

Porgras Underfed Romanian mounted in a white leo that was as close to vintage Romanian as you can get without a fake birth certificate or being slapped by Bela. Porgras missed her balance element (next time wipe the beam down for Ukie dust), had a couple of bobbles, took a step on the dismount, but the rest of the time I and Elfi and the judges were mesmerized by her movement. Porgras might be more liquid on beam than Dobre, and that's saying something. She received the top score as us old bitches leaned back, had a smoke and a group 80's flashback. Good times.

Then we were jolted out of our hazy glow with a 1983 neon flashback. Good god, were we in The Valley with Moon Unit?

Nope, that's just DLL, the "veteran" from 2008 Beijing showing us that she was old like us and could appreciate old things like us including neon, acid jazz, and Romper Room since she's now 14 18. DLL hit an impressive routine with great form, but herky-jerky & no flow. It was a bummer way to come down from our high, man. No gold for you.

Next was HBIC, on her 15th routine of the World Championships. Elfi said tired, her coach said tired, HBIC's eyes said tired, so when she was slightly off on her standing arabian, she internally shrugged and jumped off the beam. Oh, and if someone could introduce us, HBIC & I need to have a convo:

No. White. Bras. EVAAAAAAAAH!
Thank you - I feel better now. Dear future Russian fashion icon, the bra you want is "nude" or "peachy" or something that better matches your actual skin color. I was going to say something with your blue TF leos, and your teammates' black bras looked better than your white bra, but with pink mesh we must Catty chat.

So, fashion lesson of the day - white bras look WHITE, even under a white leo. Nude bras look more like skin. Or if you want to be fancy-pants, there are fancy-dancy clear bra straps.

There, mama feels better.

Last but not least (caffeinated), Dementyeva Elegant Spaz Commie mounted the beam with hope in her heart and uppers in her bloodstream, and was off on a front aeriel.

Final standings: 1) Underfed Romanian 2t) DLL & Whitey McVampirason


  1. Three cheers for Catty! Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelish!

  2. And here I thought Aunt Joyce was the only one that could amuse the hell out of me with gymnastics commentary when I'm in a pissy mood. Bravo!

  3. Porgross was stunning in Quals and I see what the hype is about regarding her appearance. That said, she was a spaz on her routine in the EF and should not have gotten gold.

    Dementor is the cutest thing ever. What is her story. Feel like every one knows her and I just never got the background. Think looks like a kid next to her teammates. Like a 10 yo or something.

  4. Any team that makes Jason Campbell look good. Ack!

  5. Porgras had one bobble and a step on her dismount...far from spastic.

  6. For the love of God, DLL wobbled on every freaking skill in the first half of the routine...

  7. I thought Porgras legitimately steadied herself enough toward the end to still deserve the gold. The alternatives were DLL, who I thought was just awful, and Bross, who had more little bobbles than Porgras. I was happy with the result; I just wish DLL had never even shown up. That routine was a boring piece of garbage. And they said Semenova was uninspiring...

  8. Catty Comments, please visit more often. That was hilarious!

  9. Porgros looked better in other routines. Don't think she quite pulled it off, during the EF routine specifically. Just a subjective impression. Need Marcus to judge it.

    I liked bottletan's work as well. Just curious, is she getting a little more rounded? She's far from fat, but just not sure I see the definition that I saw at nationals. This could affect height on vault, upgrades, etc. I think she was more ginormous at Nats. It's a small difference so unsure, just wondering...

  10. Highly entertaining Catty ! Maybe Whitey would look bettah w/a spray tan? Girlfriend is just not attractive, bless her heart.

  11. fierce fugly looks just fine. Can't hide heart. I am now a fan.