Wednesday, October 13, 2010

DWTS: The Ball Is Rolling

The ball is rolling on Dancing With The Stars. With the first few episodes out of the way, we are getting a chance to see some real dancing and are getting into the nitty gritty. The judges have already raised the lowest scores they're giving out. A bad score is now a 5 or a 6. They finally gave out the first 10 this week. As usual, even if the dancers don't start improving, their scores certainly will to make it look like they've all come so far.

Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough won the competition this week. Done. Sealed. Delivered. See you next season. They were already the front runners, but this week's Tango to La Cumparsita was A-MA-ZING. Jennifer Grey is doing so well that it is only week four and the judges have already used every sympathy card in the book to make up for her advantages. She is a cancer survivor. She's morning Patrick Swayze. The girl has two screws in her neck. She has neuroma in her foot. Baby has a bad back. And yet, she is dominating this competing. Derek Hough is going to win for the third time with his most likable partner yet. It is amazing how they given him good partners back-to-back. His sister won twice due to her own popularity but it was almost an accident that she won with a race car driver. The producers certainly like Derek. It only took them years to give Tony Dovolani a worthwhile partner. If Jennifer keeps dominating, the ladies on the View will start to bitch about her unfair advantage. That may require an emotional trip to Swayze's gravesite...accompanied by ABC cameras.

Brandy should be challenging Jennifer Grey for the Mirror Ball, but she is most definitely not. Brandy does not exactly have the class or personality to make it as a ballroom dancer. No matter what dance she is doing, Brandy struts around looking like the spokesmodel for She By Sheree. Like every other partner he's had, Brandy argues with him constantly. She even taught him how to present flowers to a lady this week. Despite eons of media training, Brandy is incredibly annoying on this show. Every emotion the girl has is magnified. There is something about her personality that makes her incredibly suited for My Super Sweet Sixteen. She is alwyas shrieking, crying, jumping around and acting like the type of girl who would dance in rap videos. She will go far due to the weakness of others in the competition, but it is very likely that she may not make the finals. Girl is a wreck. We can only hope that she will pack up her Louis Vitton luggage and throw it in the back of her gold Lexus and hizzout before long because there are professional dancers I'd much rather see stick around.

Audrina is the surprise of the season. The reality bimbettes typically fizzle out early on. Kim Kardashian was much too shy to be able to open up, even though she has no qualms about spreading her legs for the video camera. Ms. Partridge is becoming quite the performer and is actually improving from week to week.

In other news, Florence Henderson is beginning to reveal just how crazy she really is. Last week, she went on and on about her husband of nearly twenty years. Small problem, they were barely married fifteen years and were only married shortly after the ink was dry on her divorce. Unless Mrs. Brady is a glorious adulterer, she is just full of it. Florence's husband was a hypnotherapist and she herself is certified in being professionally cuckoo. Corky and Florence are ridiculously corny and will go in the next few weeks.

Bristol Palin's time is also running out on this show. Her dancing was so horrendous this week that Mark Ballas had to rip his shirt off to get them through to another week. Mark seems oddly distracted by his music career. I am not a fan of his new earrings, but he is certainly turning up the sex appeal. My coworker is ready to rip open the TV and have at him if he keeps it up. Bristol, the walking contradiction errr activist, showed off her baby. Sarah was in the audience again. It may be the Barracuda's last trip to the show because her daughter is terrible. There are only so many excuses Bristol can give for her lack of talent and charisma. The teen mother whined that she can't be sexy because she's just a nineteen-year-old mom. Wow, let's break apart just what a clusterfuck that sentence truly is. Yes, I'm sure Bristol got pregnant her first time... That's how it always happens.

Lacey Schwimmer may make the finals this year solely based on the charisma of her partner. He certainly isn't the best dancer, but he shits likability. The Velvet Teddybear proves that he isn't too big for dancing, there is just more to love. Lacey actually looks to be sticking around longer than any of us thought. From the looks of things, she could certainly use the extra weeks of cardio. We know she doesn't drink, but something has changed. The girl isn't likable, so she better realize that there certainly isn't any more to love.

Cheryl Burke's partner is way too tall for her and there are only so many ways to disguise it.

Anna Trebunskaya is so much more enjoyable without monotone Evan Lysacek hanging around.

The Situation and Karina Smirnoff danced their way off the show this week. Mommy Dearest found him oddly entertaining and endearing, but there was nothing he could do. Those pigeon toes weren't going away and unlike Donny Osmond, he didn't have an army of Mormons voting him through and baptizing everyone else so they would do the same.

I used to love Margaret Cho back when she first did stand up, but I am seriously glad that she is gone. Some fag hags are around too long and begin to just look ridiculous strutting around in rainbow flags and bitching about how they were too fat to be a ballerina. Margaret claims the judges were harsh on her because they could see 'she was a dancer.' Um, let's just let her think that. Some people need a way to get to sleep at night.

As the weeks roll on, it is time to cut the shit. There are several dancers who NEED TO GO! If Bristol wants to continue on the show, we can only hope that Mark Ballas will resort to becoming an underwear model. The situation is dire.


  1. The Bristol comment is spot on. My immediate thought when she said she can't be sexy because she's a teen mom was "I find it hard to believe Levi never got a little strip tease action"...come on! That's in every teen girl's repertoire after seeing movies like American Pie and Varsity Blues.

  2. I will admit that I once won a lap dance contest, but maybe it was just so different because I was 20.

  3. This show needs way more shirtless Mark Ballas before I'll commit to watching with any regularity.

  4. I'm with Brian. More nudity involving Mark.

  5. You yourself said that Margaret Cho was 'unacceptable.'

  6. lmfao! she by sheree!!! oh lord....

  7. How much work has Jennifer Grey had done?! Damn.

  8. WOW. Jennifer and Derek's tango was fantastic!

  9. Actually, I can believe poor Bristol's never really gotten in touch with her own sexuality, but she's wrong for thinking she's not supposed to be sexy; the general philosophy she's spouting practically commands girls be sexy for others and not sexual for themselves.

    I hope Audrina pulls the last-minute upset(Yeah, impossible; Derek's not going to blow it in the freestyle the way Cheryl and Dmitri did). But mostly I'm enjoying seeing Tony radiate happiness right through the TV; he's so relieved to be rid of Kate! Even if the girl does seem a bit of a simpleton(I'm happy to know literally nothing about why she's famous; makes me completely unbiased against her)