Friday, June 22, 2012

Dear Ryan Lochte, Please Stop Bitching

Lisa Weiss (and her new breasts attained for the 2006 Olympics she never was to attended) wrote in to us regarding an important article on ESPN about Ryan Lochte.  Dear Lisa is one of my favorite bitches, with a fierce stare and terrifying gaze all her own.  My favorite yoga partner enjoys reading Vogue, Vanity Fair and the NYTimes on her way to pilates, but she has had it with London's latest mediawhore, no matter how pretty he may be.

Dear Ryan Lochte, 

Please stop bitching.

Every Olympic cycle, there seems to be at least a couple pre-Olympic media darlings tumbling across our TV screens  or cursing themselves on the covers of Sports Illustrated. In 2008, it was Shawn Johnson and Michael Phelps, both of whom lived up to the hype. This year, Ryan Lochte has stolen that spotlight from the likes of Lolo Jones despite her virginal claims. Gracing the covers of everything from Vogue to Men’s Health, Lochte with his piercing blue eyes and boyish good looks, is a refreshing alternative to Phelps. As a Baltimore native, I was rather sick of the coverage on Phelps’ pancake consumption which turned out to be false after all. We were forced to read about Phelps’ caloric intake because there was simply nothing else to write about the kid. He swam and ate when he wasn’t getting caught up in DUIs, bong-gate, and Vegas strip clubs. If you asked me to tell you something about Phelps outside of the pool and outside of his run-ins with the law, I’d tell you that he eats a lot. Aside from being the greatest Olympian of all time, his pre-Olympic media coverage centered around his quest for eight gold medals and his diet.
Please stop wearing these ridiculous outfits.  You look stupid.

Now, it’s Lochte’s time. While there is slightly more to say about him than Phelps, everything I read he is complaining. In the NY Times cover article, his first quotation is, I just want to be done… If I do really good at the Olympics,” he said, “it’s going to be 10 times worse. Balancing all that stuff out” with swimming, he added, “just drains me.” Well guess what Mr. Lochte, all athletes work out hard. No one is forcing you into these endorsement deals. You are taking them because they are paying you millions of dollars. We do not feel bad for you that you are tired. You would not have an Audi R8, a Range Rover, a Lamborghini, and 130 pairs of shoes without those endorsements. And you wonder why your house was burglarized…  Nor do we feel bad, that you cannot find a girlfriend. As he complains in his OTL feature in ESPN, "Is there a decent girl out there who doesn't lie?" he asks. "They all lie. They're all evil. I just want to meet someone who is real, who is honest. Who doesn't just want me for money or fame, who wants to love me as a person." 

Yes, Ryan, there are plenty of girls out there. You just might have to look in different places than your buddy Phelps, outside the Gainesville strip club scene, or for that matter, I would recommend looking outside the state of Florida. As your family agrees, "He doesn't know the difference between a good girl and a bad girl," Devon adds. "I'll tell him, 'Ry, this is not the kind of girl that we would bring home to Mom.” Though I am sure you will face enormous pressure in London, we do not sympathize with you for being unable to have a drink in peace in a Gainesville bar, you shouldn’t be drinking anyway and you live in Gainesville, Florida. Are you really surprised you’re recognized there? As if all this wasn’t enough, the most preposterous complaint of all, cold water. Yes, you read that correctly, our potential golden boy of London is complaining that the pool he had one practice in, was too cold. 

Ry Ry, I challenge you to feel the numbness of couple hours in an ice rink. Then, we’ll talk over beers in Tribeca where you won’t be recognized, and I can introduce you to some nice girls who will definitely own fewer shoes than you. 
Lisa Weiss

Note: This is not the REAL Lisa Weiss, though the author does enjoy her BSB-loving husband.


  1. This Lisa Weiss is a code name, just like Suzanne Bonaly is a code name...

  2. Whomever Lisa Weiss is... I would like to buy that person a drink.

    To Ryan Lochte: If you'd like to see the fastest way to get the American Public-at large to disdain you, ridicule you... just take a look at none other than Johnny Weir in 2006. Not only did he scoff and complain and generally act a fool before the Olympics, but he didn't live up to expectations and hurt his PR immensely in the process. You can bitch and complain if you win that gold, honey (and in Weir's case, since Plushenko was the Patrick Chan of 2006, a silver or bronze would do just fine), but since he bitched AND BOMBED (in the long) the USFSA instead stopped backing him and put their money and politicking behind the bland one who would do their bidding (see: Lysacek) and not give lip.

    If you want everyone to love you forever, look at Michelle Kwan. She underperformed at not one, but TWO Olympics, and had to bow out of a third, but she did it the classy way and never (PUBLICLY) said a bad word about her enemies (and darling, they were the enemy), along the way she gained more support and love for NOT WINNING and BEING THE CLASSY BITCH SHE IS, than for actually winning.

    In short: Lochte, if you're gonna use the media as your mom's shoulder, then be prepared to back it up in the pool, and you better beat Phelps all over the place. If you do that, then you've earned your right to be arrogant, because you will have beaten the god of your sport and have usurped his throne. If you fail at any point, be prepared to eat A LOT of crow, because that's ALL you're gonna be served.

    1. In fairness, I'm talking about the Results (of Michelle in Nagano and SLC), in particular. Yes she technically skated clean in Nagano and was beat out and in SLC she fell (and got bronze), but it wasn't the color she was looking for. However, she won people because while her expectations were gold, she didn't pull a Kerrigan when she didn't win.