Saturday, June 30, 2012

America's Muscle Daddies vs the USA Bottoms: Live Blog of Men's Trials (by Margaret Thatcher)

Because Aunt Joyce has not yet arrived to the office, Margaret Thatcher will provide a British perspective on the men's artistic gymnastics Olympic Trials. Having spent time fighting Argentina, I am an astute observer of Latin American history and hunky Latino tops.

Ay papi! The muscle daddies are off and running. 

With an unfortunate floor performance, Danell Leyva has let down Gloria Estefan, Elian Gonzales, John Secada, and everyone watching this to see him in those shorts.

As they say in the Bronx, the handsome John Orozco ha convertido en un hombre activo y puede dominar a todos los chicos de esta tarde. The boys in London may find themselves on the receiving end of the powerful thrusts and swings of America's Bronx boricuo champion. However, according to Al Trautwig, we are only tuned in to see John wave to his parents who dodged bullets to be here.

Sam Mikulak demonstrates his Czechoslovak beauty every time he breathes. Do we care how well he landed his triple Tsukahara? If USA Gymnastics will not have him, I am certain BelAmi will.

One more hit for the daddies. Steve Legendre rocked his high bar for the hell of it.

For a change of pace, one of the bottoms showed how well he can keep his legs together on pommel horse.

Orozco landed a wonderful Kristie Phillips vault. That should not have been stood up, but this man is a fine gamer.  

J Ho Horton is looking sinewy as he tries to uphold the tradition of American power bottoms. Chris Brooks achieved a broadcast highlight with a strong double front pike on vault.

The NBC trio is consumed by their knowledge of the selection process (which happens to be not particularly deep or interesting). They forget the audience who could use information about the athletes and indeed the sport.

Poor little J Ho just hurt his cause on highbar.                                          

Leyva's vault.... Ugh..

This broadcast has come down to a question of leadership. Can J Ho fill the void as the team's most experienced bottom? Ooops that floor mistake was a hot mess.

Leyva ended the day by showing that when the chips are down, you should always send in a muscular top to complete the job.

As the chalk clears, the gymnastics officials are announcing that we have one team with one dream. The bottoms have been vanquished, but they must now join hands with the muscle daddies and take on the world in London.

Final Men's Standings

All Around

1 Danell Leyva (LatinoTops/Trojan Condoms) 368.350
2 John Orozco (Hot Daddies/Fabuloso) 367.400
3 Jonathan Horton (Sr Bottom Honors) 361.500
4T Chris Brooks (Sexy) 358.350
4T Jake Dalton (Jr Bottoms) 358.350
6 Paul Ruggeri (G.A.Y.) 352.800
7 C.J. Maestas (Jr Bottoms) 351.750
8 Steven Legendre (Big Daddies Gym) 351.100
9T Glen Ishino (Gliders) 348.800
9T Brandon Wynn (Buckeye Bottoms) 348.800
11 Alexander Naddour (PizzaHut) 348.100
12 Alex Buscaglia (JerseyShore GTL/Stanford) 347.500
13 Josh Dixon (Big Daddies Gym) 345.350
14 David Sender (Jr Bottoms) 342.450
15 Sam Mikulak (BelAmi Online) 289.050


  1. Our boyfriend Paul Ruggeri just rocked his high bar set! I couldn't be prouder of him!

  2. Tomorrow they announce the 2012 Men's Olympic Team, Sponsored by Gun Oil, Boy Butter, and Platnium Wet! How much money you wanna bet that Chris Brooks has some Elbow Grease with Jake Dalton's name on it tonight?

  3. Hummm. i always pictured Dannell as a bottom. At least in my dreams.

  4. wow someone from the broncs made it to the olympics instead of just sitting on their butts

  5. You seem to have caught the disease of gloom and small mindedness that is the scourge of the Western democracies today. People of the Bronx, NY are not lacking in initiative and have many talents. Americans should have more pride in your great nation. You are the clarion of hope and liberty for the world, and your sensual, sweaty male gymnasts, whether from the Bronx or Nebraska, are a powerful representation of American virility and optimism. Take pride on Orozco's uniquely American achievement instead of using him to denigrate hardworking communities. If only our lazy Britons would show half the fortitude and determination of Americans, we might have something better than Beth Tweddle. America, you must celebrate your strength and your diversity.

  6. This post is H.A.M. lmao..but I must say, Orozco is def a BOTTOM!

  7. <-- gy rooms. you can't make this shit up. am i the only one to notice the first picture, or was that on purpose?

  8. @Anon 10:56 Those three are the "Wind Beneath My Penis... er, Wings" no doubt.

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