Sunday, July 29, 2012

Live Blog: Women's Prelims

Child, it is the Olympics. It is time for Aly Raisman to show us her beautiful dance. Gabby's weave is on and she is ready to show the Queen the moves of the flying squirrel.

Apparently Maroney is doing two vaults and a bunch of nerdy gymnastics fans who need to buy vibrators got us in a tizzy for nothing.

My Maroney face is on. My inner alien is ready for this period stained arena. God Bless the British announcer. Beth Tweddle, Uschi Keszler's Cyborg Pony, is in the house. Drunksana, Uschi Keszler, WestPalmBitch and I are up and ready to provide you with what to watch for at this beautiful Olympic Games. Shannon Miller and her beautiful Kim Zolciak-line of wigs are going to deliver. Shannon has a very Tonia Kwiatkowski-commentary vibe going on according to WestPalmBitch and Uschi. We are all watching Ice Network and it will all come back to Tonia being the alternate at 1998 Olympics.

MyKayla looks so good! Purple with her swag. Why are there open seats? We are having breakfast and hoping to look as fabulous as dear Kloe Chanel. And NBC is showing us a Chevy commercial...

I am living for Great Britain's beautiful leotards.

'Can Beth Tweddle compete with a bag over her face? That would make my morning a lot better!'-Drunksana

'Did they hire an Asian slave to do all their bitchwork?'-Uschi Keszler

That was the best Raisman has ever done that vault. Her knee bend was not as bad as usual. She kept that shit laid out for longer.

Victoria Moors- Jennifer Robinson up on bars. This is the best she has looked on bars.

15.800 for Raisman...9.300 execution bwahahaha.

Gabby Douglas. Clutch the weave. And she does it! Minor hop and off center, but Martha has been training her ass into the ground. She was been practicing telling Ryan Seacrest that Jordyn is her best friend. 15.900.

Here is Jordyn ready to land like a thud. Here we go. Lands out, but very steady. Let's hope she hits the red area in the All Around. Drunksana wants Komova to land on her back just so I burst into a fit of watching Michelle Kwan is Salt Lake City.  HD is not kind to the thighs of some of Team USA. 15.833.

CMON MYKAYLA. Nastia has her 'look that could melt steel' look on. EW landing. She has not landed well all year, likely due to her injury. It is gorgeous in the air, but she is flying forward. The execution in the air needs to be rewarded, but that landing was not acceptable.

13.833 for Moors.

Don't show Hannah Whelan when Maroney is going for her second vault. She is the 20th place girl in the all around we only pretend to care about. That was a hideous switch ring. British girls should not do that element. I live for Whelan looking like she is about to land her dismount on her head and the stupid NBC app goes to commercial. And we are back....the dismount was just shitty, she landed it by a few inches.

Maroney 2nd vault.  15.900 for the first. She needs to stick and score huge. Apparently she stuck the second vault, yet we have not been shown it by NBC's stupid app...we are seeing Hannah putting on her band aid.

Why isn't Shawn Johnson competing? Empty the mess before competing! The Shawn Johnson motto for life.

"Wheland got a 13, only about 11 points too high."-Drunksana

It is so nice that they let Canada compete in the Olympics. Their ladies are bad enough in skating, yet we get to see them look like sixth graders playing around in gym class for two weeks in this sport as well. 14.500 for Brittany Rogers...and she was brought as a bars specialist.

Dominique Dawes is NOT pleased about the empty seats in the arena, yet she knows many people who were unable to get tickets (like herself.)

Uschi thinks that Canada and France look the same...and equal level of suck.

Maroney got a 15.700 on vault, for a 15.800 average.

Shannon Miller did that vault better than this French girl, with her one wrist in '96.

Why isn't Aurelie in the weight lifting competition?-WestPalmBitch

14.166 for Raisman on bars...someone is paying for these scores.

Jordyn's bars look like work...and the arch on the upper body. We need to send her back to level 5 to learn to swing. This is her Kim Zmeskal moment. Get ready for a comeback at 26 and some fucking tears. Shannon Miller just said that she is used to being heinous on bars. When Shannon calls you so strong, steady...she is calling you fat and thick. Jordyn needs to adopt the Shannon Miller Lifestyle and do some yoga.

14.833 for Wieber.

This is Kyla's is all so clean and actually is having some slight issues, legs coming apart, a flexed left foot at times, but hit. 14.866 for Ross.

Here we go...Gabby Douglas and the weave. Crooked on the piked tketachev, but fixes it. Her pak makes me so nervous. Nice routine from Gabby...little Morgan White-ish on the second salto of the double layout. She will make finals.  15.333 for Gabby. Only yellow on NBC!

Hannah Whelan on floor...Drunksana is not worshipping her European Bronze medal. The music is nonexistant on NBC's is modern interpretive dance in gymnastics. Lands with a thud.

"She's a cow, I don't understand what is appealing about her."-Drunksana
"They put her on the team for being thin four years ago. Times have changed."-AJ
"I'm done with her, God Bless the Chevy commercial."-Drunksana

These girls are landing with thuds, Vaculik fell on her back tuck on beam and her aerial cartwheel. Joanne McLeoud is clearly teaching women's gymnastics.

13.900 for Whelan.

Beth Tweddle! Is that opening pose supposed to be sexual? This beast might win floor.
"I don't think ponies are allowed to win floor. She is trotting across the floor searching for carrots."-Uschi Keszler

"She's done so much for..." is the kiss of death in any sport.

Why the fuck is that dance?
"I definitely need a drink now."-Drunksana

They need to be taking the artistry deduction for Beth and all of the American ladies. Trotting as a pony is a three tenth deduction...minimum.

Kyla Ross on beam. This goes fast. Switch ring to back tuck. Is Nelli Kim on her side for that connection? Martha has successfully made this team dreadfully boring and Romanian. Experience doesn't mean shit, Shannon. Those British and Canadian girls compete all the time and still look like shit.

NBC's feed is constantly cutting out Hannah Whelan. God Bless.

15.075 for Ross.

Gabby stays on beam!!!! Uschi Keszler's leg is broken.  15.266.

DTY from Rebecca Tunney! Chest down and touches the red.

Jordyn looks bored. Little balance check after the back pike. Her hair is a mess. Didn't do the side aerial+side somi connections. Zero split in the leaps. Almost off on the switch side. Wobble on the full turn. And NBC goes to an ad mid dismount. Never buying a Chevy...ever. Geddert looks annoyed at Jordyn...though this is how she has been looking for months. The girl is looking muscled and sluggish heading into the biggest meet of her career. Gabby is going to beat her by a sizable margin with her beautiful floor routine. Jordyn has been watching her AA moment in the sun slipping away for months. 14.700 for Wieber. Her face tells the true story...her interview will not.

Raisman on beam. Looking very square. The feed is freezing and WestPalmBitch is squealing like a gay bitch thinking she fell.  She did not. The feed keeps freezing and shows Aly bent over for 15 seconds. "She is taking a shit on the beam. Nothing is coming out though!!!!"-WestPalmBitch

Still bent over...

It looked like a possible floor finals for Moors, but she got Canadian at the end and went out of bounds.

"14.700 for Wiebesaurus."

15.100 for Aly on beam...and we drop Jordyn's beam.

Team USA on floor: Babar's Daughters in Ballet Slippers.

Kyla Ross is out of bounds on her double arabian. Shannon would've loved that spring floor for her double layout.

'Does Shannon have children?'-Uschi
'She has a son and a wig.'-AJ
'Shannon and Gabby trade weaves.'-WestPalmBitch

Kyla will be bitch slapped by Martha.

'Kyla would've been amazing on floor?'-WestPalmBitch
'What, in 1980?!-AJ
'Kyla?!  Shit, I meant Maroney!- WPB

Look at Aly being the team captain."okgirlsletsrockitforteamusatodayandbegood friends.'

13.733 for Ross.

Rock the weave, Gabby. Pat it!!!  Gabby's opening move is pure Shannon Miller Lifestyle yoga. Stuck first pass. This is her time to show her weave. I am Nicki Minaj!!  And she stumbles out of bounds on the double least five tenths. Shannon said to done down the weave. Namaste, Gabby, Namaste!  Stuck tuck full in. Hideous split leap out of her double tuck...she should lose the minimal bonus for the utter laughability of the attempt.

I think Gabby gave Raisman or Wieber her ass. She is clearly thirty pounds lighter and it shows.

Why is Shannon commentating with a British dude? Why isn't Shannon showing us how to do compulsory beam? She needs to tell us what she and Peggy thought of Dawes on the apparatus.

Tunney looks like a stumbling fighter on bars...Shannon says that you don't want to stay up there too long (and rack up deductions.)

Beth Tweddle on bars...beef is what's for dinner.  That is a gold medal exercise. Ride the pony!

13.766 for Gabby on floor. This is like our Athens floor team. Where's Courtney McCool and Kupets turning on the wrong leg? Mohini can't save their ass now.

Jo- lands the first pass with a thud. Out of bounds on a leap she didn't need attached to the triple full. "Some room for improvement"- no shit Shannon Miller. Not many smiles from the supposed unstoppable American team. Davai Davai. Shannon is not acknowledging the suck...she is a very good Republican and able to deny reality.  'Terrific competition for Wieber?' not so much.

Where is Martha?!

16.133 for Tweddle on bars. Only Maroney can outdo that score...if she sticks.

We are reading useless tweets by Alexa Ainsworth and wondering how fat and sucky she was as a skater. Not as big or as fabulous as dear Kloe Chanel.

We should just fuck it and put Maroney in on floor for team finals. 14.666 for Jo.  If not for floor, Gabby would've killed her today.

Aly on floor. The Zaretskis free dance. Cmon Aly...needs a 14.966 to make AA. Cmon Aly. That would be fabulous. Knock Wieber out. To the rafters girl, sell that dreidel. I love that she tries to present to the judges when going clit to floor. Sticks the triple full.  15.000 CMON Sticks the leap out of the double pike.  Knock Jo OUT!!!!!!!

15.325 for ALY.  JORDYN IS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Four queens just screamed like Tara in Nagano.

Aly is America's top AAer.  ALY NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!

If John Geddert would like any advice on why this happened, I'll be happy to field a phone call.

Aly is crying and beautiful fake Tanith is on TV.

The neighbors is going to call the cops.  Queens are SCREAMING in Chelsea!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. thanks for the updates b/c nbc on my computer just has a circle spinning and blank screen..I'm watching on my phone and it's blurry :(..the advertisements are crystal clear though uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggh

  2. worst live feed ever

  3. At least you haven't been watching Kristina Vaculik wait for paperwork to be sorted for 10 minutes.

  4. great for Beth Tweddle.

  5. Glad I didn't invest in the NBC live feed - I don't have the nervous system for that.

    The crap feed is probably something NBC did accidentally-on-purpose to force people to watch their TV broadcast tonight - with more commercials. Samsung and Apple didn't pay millions of dollars on primetime ad space for you to be satisfied with the live feed.

    Bamboozled by the corporate demon once again!

  6. Since Tweds got robbed of her medal in Beijing by underage chinese girls, I think they'll give her a medal on this event as long as she doesn't fall on her face/ass. Which is good, she deserves it.

  7. Jeez. Kudos for Raisman in spite of her aesthetics. I kind of feel bad for Wieber though.

  8. If anyone wants a better live stream I have the Romanian one. It's TVR and is on either the HD or TVR1 channels. Soooooo much better than NBC.

    I don't even know how to begin processing what just happened. No Jordyn but Aly in the AA?! What.....

  9. heartbreaking to watch Jordyn cry

  10. omg..poor Jordyn..but yay gabbs and aly..wonder if geddert going to blog about this..I'm kind of in shock..

  11. I want to hear what McKayla is saying to Horseface!

  12. I love wit and snark, but I hate taking pleasure in others' misfortune.

  13. and I love how the livesteam is perfect now that the rotation is over

  14. I feel bad for Jordyn, but I'm laughing my ass off at John Geddert. The prick was so cocky that she'd win AA at the olympics since she won at worlds.

  15. And here I thought that Aunt Joyce was being a little overly-dramatic with the Jordyn/"Zmeskal Moment" reference.


    Jesus, take the wheel. Hold my mule. Do SOMETHING! Because this did not happen.

  16. Honestly feel sorry for Jordyn.

  17. AnonymousJuly 29, 2012 8:11 AM


  18. i hate the 2 per country rule. not right at all. gutted for Jo! Love Aly and Gabby though...

  19. I was completely elated until they showed Jordyn crying. Felt a little bad then. Then back to being sofa king happy for Gabby :D Aly is just neither here nor there

  20. OMG! All Vika has do now is stand up her routines and it's OVA!

  21. Now my olympics are complete!!! Jordyn's dreams are crushed...not but the Lolitas of Russsia but by a Jewess and a Diva! Her won team mates!!!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!! I hope she throws TF....Mwahahahahahah!!!

  22. As long as Jordyn KEEPS IT TOGETHER FOR TEAM FINALS. Which I'm afraid will not happen.

    This is really devastating, though.

  23. I, too, will never buy a Chevy Sonic. Is it just me, or did the commercials mess up the live feed as much as anything else?

    AJ, I normally love your snark (because -someone- needs to mention the elephants in the room), but it's been a bit overboard lately. Do you like anything anymore?

  24. No this is not good for team USA morale...

    1. Oh puullease. Jordyn will have to get over it quickly and move on. Her only chance of a medal now is Team final. I seriously doubt she'll medal on floor. No one else on the team even cares accept Aly. I just feel bad Aly's victory has been overshadowed by Jordyn's loss.

  25. we all know that jordyn is going to be in the all around the only question is who is going to step down to allow her to take her place aly or gabby, I'm thinking aly since gabby has a better chance to medal. It is very similiar to the unified team in 92, and as much as this is America and a very much individual team despite the monthly camps jordyan will be in the all around.

    1., Jordyn will not be in the AA unless an injury happens (knock on wood) to Aly or Gabby. This isn't the USSR, Mihai, Aly, and the media would righfully pitch a fit. Admit it, Jo has looked sluggish and off since Worlds '11. She's not the same athlete she used to be and peaked last year.

    2. This is not an episode of MIOBI. It doesn't work that way. Jordyn will be cheering her teammates on from a seat in the arena.

  26. John Geddert bitchin' about everything.

    Yes, I'm sure Jo will handle it with class, unlike her coach. Does it suck? Absolutely, but he needs to get over it because his negative attitude will rub off on the TEAM that he's "head coach" of.

    Why even bring up the the 3-up-3-count rule? Does he think Jordyn will be so upset that she's gonna blow it for the team in TFs?

  27. Gabby improves in every single competition. Damn that springy floor and her ridiculous strength. Aly was consistent as she always is and it paid off. The only thing consistent about Jordyn is the inflation of her scores in American competitions. You can't plateau when everyone else on your team is improving. Blame the FIG for the two per country rule. And no Gabby or Aly will not be stepping down. This isn't Romania. And today, Jordyn didn't make the cut.

    1. Gabby is indeed improving, but she'll need everything during AA finals. I think she can do it. She's a fighter, so we shall see.

  28. Why doesn't Tweddle just swing on the bars with those horse teeth? I hope when she retires, she'll go to the dentist for same major oral reconstruction!

    1. LMAO
      "A horse is a horse, of course, of course..."

    2. I just spit tea all over my keyboard mean but so very true...