Monday, July 23, 2012

Highlights of Liberty: Texts That Made My Weekend

A number of skaters poured their hearts and souls out on the ice this weekend in Aston, PA, but the highlights of these summer events are always the glimpses of hope from the up-and-comers, the rumors and the abundance of hot messes.  These are a few of the delightful messages that made my weekend courtesy of Drunksana and Pat Lipinski.

(Pat and Drunksana watching practice.)"Brandon and the Canadian ladies are having a duel for the best single loop."

"Wes did a stunning Triple Lutz.  Nice Triple Flip+Double Toe, Horrible Bolero Remix."-PL

"Inspecting Wes' photo, he needs way better leg muscle or he will never get out of junior ladies.  Why are they so scrawny compared to his buff hot torso?"

Random skaters...

"This guy was on a major podium with P Chiddy and the Dai?  Embarrassing."-Pat
"4 Toe kersplat.  3 Axel kersplat.  3 lutz lucky save.  Just looked so meh."

"Oh no, now it's Brandon Morose."  (Rumor has it he is being forced to skate by Tom Z)

"Keegan.  OMG  He looks like a redheaded bastard child of Siegfried and Roy."

"Morose is wearing a watch, wtf?"

"Oh dear, Drunksana taping Keegan.  Who dresses Keegan?"-Pat
"Lesbians from Alaska on a whale watching expedition."-AJ

"Paul Parkinson, the Italian with the Canadian name, likes to wear Nastia pink."

"Morose took his watch off to compete."

Watching the pair I saw at Ice Theatre last weekend..."Worst version of Aranjuez ever.  Step out of the double axel, small double twist and throw double salchow.  Weird music cut.  Made it through the lift.  Miracle.  Death spiral seriously ended 10 seconds after the music ended." (Death spiral also ended 10 seconds after the music last weekend.)

"Does that guy in the photo playing Dominoes at your house vacuum lines in your carpet like Johnny?  I bet Harrison Choate does."-Pat Lipinski

"Watching Kemp and King warm up.  My heart is racing with excitement."

"Zhang and Bartholomay skated well.  Just a slight step out on her toe.  Pretty soon it will be time for KLOE CHANEL."

"Kloe got her Filipina ass around a triple twist and throw triple lutz in warm up.  Look that bitch up. "

moments later...

"Competition did not go so well for Kloe Chanel but she is still the fiercest bitch on the block."-Drunksana

The next day...
"Zhang and Bartholomay completely clean.  Could medal at Nationals.  Didn't tape for fear I'd lose battery for KLOE CHANEL."

"I want to hear RuPaul announce Kloe Chanel Bautista.  They should have to lip sync for their lives."-Pat
"Kloe scores first, nearly takes out Stacy."
"Your girl Felicia channeling Kyoko Ina."
"Drunksana say Felicia did a Throw 3 Sal+lunge+split combo."

"Kloe lands the throw 3 Lutz.  Bam!"
"Felicia crashy 3Tw, clean 3 Toes, and 2 axel+2 axel combo.  Labored Lift.  Good unison on spins.  Not perfect but damn well better than anything we've seen today.  Throw 3 Sal clean.  Hung on to dodgy throw 3 Lutz!  Wow!"

"Stacy Kemp wants to challenge Leonova's pirates whore."-PL
"Scarist 3 Twist ever.  Big 2 Toes.  Baby Jesus cries. This has been as high as 5th at Euros?!?!"-PL
"I don't get the point of anything in this program."-Drunksana
"Each lift was worse than the last."-PL

"The Karolyis would have to monitor Kloe in the shower for drinking too much water."
"Kloe fell!!!  Oh no, Kloe is crying and injured."

"What would John Tesh say here?  These girls look so tough by they are fragile.  The Tim Daggett would respond, "Yeah, but not Kloe.  She's built like a linebacker."

"This last anonymous pair needs to go."
"3 or 4 falls?-PL
"A lot."-Drunksana

"Did you love Kloe?  We think she should be the mascot for Aunt Joyce."

(sees video...)
"Oh no, was Kloe hurt?!"-Aunt Joyce
"No, we think she was just being a diva.  She was standing around getting sympathy from everyone and clearly loving it."-Drunksana

(hours later)
"We're toasting Kloe Chanel with pink moscato."

(hour later)

"Pat Lipinski is trying to get me drunk so she can beat me at board games.  We have renamed her dog Smokie Chanel.  Too much moscato."

"It's the junior ladies final round.  You're allowed to fall on a double lutz or a spin, but you have to choose one or the other.  PL couldn't take it anymore and went for a nap in the car.  After watching the junior ladies, it feels like this competition lasted for a week.  It's just so wrong having to watch someone skate to Otonal all by myself."-Drunksana

"Wes and little orphan Annie are practicing.  Morose about to step on the ice."
"Wes doing regal flips and lutzes.
"Homeless boy back out in his cargo pants and hoodie."

"Keegan is a tortured mess."-PL
"How are his jumps?'-AJ
"Tortured.  He's like one bad hair day from being the American Kevin Reynolds."
"Keegan was throwing Tara-inspired frenzies on everything and sulking with his coach and wants to blow off a personal monitoring session with Mitch Moyer (I think I overhead that correctly.  Rory's ex-whitesnake husband is hard to understand with the Aussie accent.)

"Are you uploading your blog yet?  I'm tired of looking at Aunt Joyce and still seeing Gabby's weave as the top story."

"Mark Mitchell looks particularly irritated and pissed at Ross' effort here.  Lips purse and head cocks further to the side with each mistake."

"Drunksana on Paul Parkinson the Italian by way of Canadia,"He doesn't seem to have any jump technique except to throw himself in the air."

"Drunksana on the Bulgarian boy falling on his camel spin, "I haven't seen a camel spin like that since Nick LaRoche."

Max Aaron...a boy with jumps.

"Morose rotated 4 loop and just stepped out!"

"I've never seen so many 5 fall programs in a competition before.  Going to rename this Liberty Senior Men's competition the Alissa Czisny Memorial Classic."-Pat Lipinski

"These guys are acting like it's a Canadian ladies event.  We're intensely debating whether Grisha had five falls or six.  Only clean jump was a single toe."

"Sexy Wes in his plunging neckline as usual."-Drunskana

"Wes warming up.  Will Jesus be on his side?"-Pat Lipinski
"Is he looking sexy?"-Aunt Joyce
"In a Shep Clark kinda way."-Pat Lipinski

"Wes pacing like a caged lion waiting his turn."
"Wes 3 Loop, 3 Lutz+3Toe, 2 Ax, Flying camel needs a Russian ballet master screaming STRETCH!  3 Lutz fall :((  He's cradling baby Jesus in his footwork.  3 Flip, 3 Sal, 3 Flip, Spiral to die for.  Love.  I felt Jesus."

"A first...Junior male pair skater shows off his Biellman while she does an average spiral."

"Wes awesome.  Fell on a lutz, but other perfect.  Beautiful program!!!"-Drunksana
"Did you feel Jesus?"-Aunt Joyce
"Definitely.  Between my ass cheeks."-Drunksana

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