I am up and so nervous for McKayla Maroney that I am ready to start praying to God in every denomination imaginable. Light a candle for McKayla...maybe she use the talent God gave her to be an absofuckinglute boss and dominate this like we know she is truly capable of. Let's be honest, we all deserve it after listening to Shannon Miller Kwiatkowski commentate and playing semi-nice with the NBC Trio all week.
We must steal Jake Dalton from the lucky bitch Kayla Nowak and cheer him on as our own hot boyfriend this morning. The NYC gays are sleeping off a hard night and not even up for brunch yet, but I've seen enough shirtless photos of Jake in my Facebook feed to let me know they are truly with him in spirit.
NBC is currently showing us tennis to give us all a few GI problems before we leave the Olympics a veteran of their hideous coverage. We have been with NBC through the long haul and they certainly do not gain wisdom from experience.
How many commercials is NBC going to show us?! I need to know that Jake isn't competing yet.
Apparently we are missing Uchimura. Classic NBfuckingC. They are showing us tennis on the gymnastics feed. I cannot with this network. This is God punishing them for firing Ann Curry and subjecting us to the Seacrest left and right.
The greatest gymnast of modern time is going on floor and NBC is showing us scenes of the roof rolling back at Wimbledon.
How much is NBC paying Tim and Elfi? The money saved cannot be justified by being invested in the feed. When I interned in Beijing, the Vice President gave us a speech letting us know that, "we spent one billion dollars on these Olympics and won't care about spending fifty cents to send you home." Where does that money go?! They can't even hire an IT expert?! Really?! No wonder everyone hates Comcast and switches to Fios.
Fuck this, we have a link to BBC2
For those of you who are old enough to remember, Monica Phelps, the bitchiest commentator of all time, told me that Komova's floor routine from AA finals was her favorite routine of the AA finals. #GodBless
Kohei is apparently leading. I am waiting to close the pop up on BBC2. This is painful.
Flavius Koczi is not sporting a cute Olympics 'do. BBC2 won't let me close the pop up.
Another BBC2 link
"Shatilov reminds us that not all Jews are unwatchable on floors."-Gay Bitch
Zou Kai may be leading, but my feed is working in time for Jake in my favorite color! Fabulous double layout arabian. Good rollout pass and messed up his third pass. Let's pray this keeps him training for another four years. He truly is replacing Legendre on the Olympic Team in oh so many ways. Stunning triple full dismount with a great dismount.
Jake seems happy enough. If not for the combination twisting pass, he would be in contention. Gorgeous technique. 15.333 for Jake. One can't help but thinking these men had to peak too early to make the Olympic Team.
Marcel Nguyen---big step forward on the layout double double mount. Hop on second pass. Gorgeous hair, naturally. Step forward on the dismount.
It is ridiculous that Kohei will only leave London with one gold medal, yet it may be the law of averages playing out after allowing him to keep his nerve enough to win four AA titles in a row.
Gonzalez- This beefy dude is quite the tumbler. He looked like he just did a triple twist from CGA circa 1999. 15.366
Zou Kai wins again.
Apparently NBC gave us the wrong link. Fuck them, I'm not switching back.
Please note that after my day at the beach, I look like Elena Berezhnaya after she overdid it in the tanning bad.
1. Zou Kai
2. Kohei Uchimura
3. Denis Ablyazin
Time for VAULT. McKayla Maroney, Oksana Chusovitina and Sandra Izbasa!!!
Shots of Chuso in '92 when she was effed out of the vault final. It is amazing how Chuso's form and femininity have deteriorated over the years. There are two Canadians in the team final...in the Olympics. The fact that Brittany Rogers is with us is either extremely impressive for Canada or depressing for the sport that superior vaulters didn't bother to train a second vault.
BBC shows us a feature on the vault and are reminiscing about the old days.
All of Team USA in the house to root on McKayla Maroney. I don't believe the alternates are still in London.
Men's victory ceremony is taking forever. I wish them all of my congratulations, but I pray they hurry up the pomp and circumstance to give us shots of McKayla.
Zou Kai getting gold over Kohei hurts my soul. That shit ain't right...ever.
I live for the Chinese anthem. We certainly heard it enough times in Beijing. Build that great wall! We must find a correct translation if their success continues.
Walk faster...we have a reservation with McKayla.
Profile on Beth Tweddle. It is hard not to root for her tomorrow, despite my desire to see Komova win a gold medal. I will truly be sad for Beth if she does not pull off the victory she deserves. My goodness, people are learning of my inner love for kittens and rainbows. Zeyatta must win!
Beth's parents are so lying that she doesn't care about the color of the medal. One doesn't work every day to get the abs necessary to do Beth's bar routine if they aren't hungry for gold. Mr. and Mrs. Tweddle are such lovely Brits. I'd love to have tea with them.
Here. We. Go.
Regina George's game face is on! Not-Monica is giving me butterflies talking about favorites faltering. The Brits truly are hateful when it comes to Americans.
Team USA has never won a gold on vault---this shows you how sad Bela is considering all of the proficiency he had at teaching his gymnasts to be bosses on their vault. How were Mary Lou and Zmeskal not better at second vaults?!
Future Gym Dog Brittany Rogers looking like a beautiful NCAA gymnast---DTY...decent execution and a small hop with chest a bit low. Steady. I miss the days when Simona Amanar and Zamo were bosses in vault finals. Two Canadians people...Amelie Lacoste AND Cynthia Phaneuf have made it in. Amazing.
Rogers 2nd vault- sloppy second block, it looks like she learned it last week. Was it a podkopayeva? Was it a layout pod? That depends on who the caller is. Choose a body shape, honey. 14.483 average.
Janine Berger---sturdy German on vault. Powerful and strong rudi, but sloppy as fuck with the form. 15.133 first vault.
This leo does nothing to improve her albino characteristics. Steady double twisting tsuk...impressive athletic ability, yet utterly lacking is aesthetic achievement. She will surely medal in the World Cup competitions that Martha doesn't give a rusty hoot about. Janine seems sweet despite of her slight fugliness...15.016.
I live for Maroney living white...as though she is angelic. We know better.
Ellie Black- the Emily Kmetko of Canada...did that rudi to her face. Did she land feet first?! It is close, but I believe she may have hit hands first. That is what happens when you coach yourself at the YMCA. The BBC commentators are discussing her myriad of injuries, which is what happens when even the Parkettes are calling you a skill chucker. 0.000 for the first vault...not sure if I agree with that. Good for her for continuing. And she bails out of the first vault...unclear if her first vault was more of a physical or mental issue...it appears physical, but I get the impression the 0.000 finished her off based on her reaction. She did appear to be lacking speed down the runway.
The commentators are already fretting over Pena's handspring double front. Let's be honest, her coaches are utterly irresponsible to allow her to risk her life like that. Girlfriend does not possess an extra chromosome like the great Produnova.
Will Pena do it? And she quits her run. This only makes us more nervous about whether she has the mental strength to pull this off. And Pena does the vault to her ass...the technique is horribly wrong off the horse. She never rises before squatting.
Will they give her score? Apparently Nelli Kim insisted that they give Hannah Whelan a zero.
Pena did land foot-first. 14.966.
Sloppy, low DTY with a big step for her second vault. She also looks to have coached herself. This is why we need compulsories...to weed out the Canadians and self-taught girls on suicide missions.
"Are they going to name that vault after Pena? A handspring double front to the ass."-Tarasova's Mink
Chuso- a bit of a low Rudi for her, sloppy and she really is piking it enough for the questionable form to overcome how impressed we are by her age. Landed locked-legged. I feel as though we've given her medals for her age for quite some time. The feet are unforgivable in the air considering the length of time she has had to perfect it.
Comes back with a good Tsuk 1 1/2, with locked legs. Is that the last time we ever see Chuso? Like Michael Phelps, I'm not convinced.
I've heard nature calling for quite some time now, but I will not miss Maroney!
14.782 for Chuso...fair score.
Paseka- a bit of a scary Amanar. It is amazing that the BBC commentators called it brilliant and easily done, while she never completed the twist completely or cleanly. That vault was on par with Shawn Johnson's execution.
This is the worst vault final I can remember.
"Paseka has an allergy to staying on the mat."-Tarasova's Mink
15.400 for the first vault...far too high.
Layout pod, very nice...only a slight bend in the hips.
"That vault was a mess...a 15.400 for not dying."-Tarasova's Mink
15.050 for Paseka to take the lead...guaranteed a medal. Wow.
The lack of energy and momentum in this final is terrifying me.
Maroney-GREAT Amanar...a bit off line and a hop, but utterly fantastic. Bitch face is on! Not quite as stretched as usual...thought her left arm might have a been a bit off in the air, but needs to be a full point higher than anyone else. 15.866.
Falls on the second vault. Oh no. Frankly, we've often see her low on the second vault. This will be very interesting. Unreal. Should she have watered down?
We have all jinxed her.
15.083...she has the lead.
Izbasa...makes the Mustafina with slacked knees. The girl is a tiger. It is all on execution. That vault was really quite tucked. Will she? 15.383 first vault.
BIG hop on the DTY. Maroney could do it, but likely will not.
This vault final will be debated for quite some time. Huge hop for Izbasa, but she wins it. 15.191. Unreal.
The only consolation could be that Maroney may be motivated to continue, yet I highly doubt that will happen either.
We will now hear the American fans bitch about silver after they criticized the Russian for tears over second place.
I need to go take out my aggression on the ice, so Catty Comments will give you the play-by-play of Rohene Ward's quest for gold.
Worst. Vault. Final. Ever.
Kittens, it's Catty Comments! That was a funky vault final - I've seen enough NCAA vault EFs to know that it was not the worst evah. I just hope Maroney uses this and her seemingly professional status to continue to Rio.
Also, I selfishly want both Maroney and VanZam in vault finals at 2013 Worlds. CATTY IS SELFISH!
Right now BBC is showing Louis Smith highlights. POINT YOUR FEET. Love how he cried after Qualis routine. But seriously - less tats, more Armine. That is all.
Medal ceremony - McKayla looks ready to cut a bitch, but she's lucky to be on the podium after planting the Mustafina to her derriere. Both Izbasa & Bee Farm are thrilled to be on the podium. And I now realize why the Romanians look skinnier - both the USA & Russia flag have horizontal stripes. I blame our founding fathers for bad fashion.
Now it's time for Pommel Horse! Just the way the men like to ride - two handles and no head. Whee.
Tommasone (FRA) - white jersey w/ red & blue thin piping, silver accents, blue pants, white socks. Nice handstands to start, lovely circles. Amazing cross-pommel Russians, pause & foot break (legs apart) on the dismount. Bad Cyril - I'll comfort you after you shower. 15.141
Busnari (ITA) - lighter blue jersey (it's more like a UCLA Bruin blue), matching blue pants, blue socks. Amazing same-pommel circles, flairs to handstand pirouettes - multiple times! Flair to handstand to dismount. Leave it to the Italians to say, why you no reward flair? Zees! Zees ees flair! Pasta! 15.400! Bravo Azzuri!
Hidvegi (HUN) - Hiddyveggie is named Vid. Vid HiddyVeggie. Maroon (cardinal red?) jersey, white pants, white socks. Nice scissors to start, awesome spindle and he's off! NO GOULASH! More single-pommel circles, great traveling circles. Sadness - great routine except for the fall. 14.300. Note- Leyva would be thrilled to get that score.
Whitlock (GBR) - Blue flag jersey, blue pants, white socks. He's handling the routine well, nice Russian sequence, gorgeous dismount. Amazing job! He even points his feet more than Louis! Good fashion, excellent routine! 15.600 - wowsers, with a 9.0 E (execution) score.
Berki (HUN) - Gorgeous, gorgeous flairs to start. Also in cardinal jersey, white pants & socks. In love with his legs, even from this weird flying camera angle. Great circles. Travels the entire length pirouetting for the dismount. I and the gay nation are living for the overhead camera on his flairs. Le sigh. 16.066 - well deserved. Smith has his work cut out for him.
Nakonechnyi (UKR) - White, white. Thin blue decoration down the torso of the jersey - oh, it says Ukraine! Thanks Captain Obvious designer! Nice routine, but a serious letdown after Berki. 14.766
Belyavskyi (RUS) - Red jersey, red pants, white socks just to show off his slobberlicious toepoint. Leg separation on the circles, but clean routine otherwise. Fingers crossed for a medal, but it's looking like the 2 Brits & Berki. 14.733
Smith (GBR) - the red flag jersey & pants, white socks. POINT YOUR FEET MORE. Slow, steady work as always - insane difficulty vs. Berki's flawless execution. Clean routine - he may have it on difficulty & home scoring. We'll see what the judges say. 16.066 - TIE! Berki has it with a higher execution score! Sad for Louis - wish there was no tie breaker. But I'd give it to Berki as well - he did a clinic.
Your final PH standings are:
Congrats Berki! Congrats SmithLock and Britain! Congrats Izbasta pasta! Congrats Maroney - I know you're disappointed, but you already have a gold & silver is more in fashion. Yay Jake Dalton - you're hot. More tomorrow! I'll answer questions in the comments below.