|"Vury vury niiiiiiice. Here's an acorn vur yuuuuu"
Gabby Douglas is America's newest sweetheart. She has become an internet queen, her smile is making the rooster jealous on the Corn Flakes box, and she is making nice with the first family of the United States. Rock on girl.
|GA-GA for GABBY
She's even being immortalized in terrible YouTube videos by Asian rappers who are desperately trying to land a VH1 reality show:
Gabby has a lot going for her right now. Becoming America's newest darling is no easy feat. Establishing herself with longevity is key to her success. Just ask Carly Patterson.
|Um...well. Just no.
Longevity is certainly looking imminent for Douglas. However, none of the other three all-around queens of American gymnastics dealt with the level of scrutiny Gabby has faced since her big win. As the first African American to win an individual gymnastics gold medal (be still your heart Dominique Dawes), Gabby's marketability carries extra weight. Let's take a look at some of the controversies swirling around her image and her nickname.
We all know it by now...The flying squirrel. First let's get the story from Gabby herself:
This is what I have to say about that.....
I can only imagine how condescending the nickname is if Marta "uses it all the time." Uh, Marta, I know all the girls look like they haven't lost any teeth yet, but the girl is 16....not six.
Speaking of Marta, let's take a look at her take on it:
Are ya sure vodka isn't in that bottle Marta is gulping down? I have a feeling that is exactly how she came up with the nickname -- already four shots in after the women's team final at the 2011 world championships, Marta was feeling pretty loose and letting her mouth run free the way she would when Bela farts in bed. And the rest you could say...is history.
Regardless of this racist talk, I find a much more pertinent question at hand ---
what the hell is a flying squirrel anyway?
Are they supernatural creatures that are the Clark Kent's of the squirrel world? Are they mystical? Are they a conceived project of Steve Jobs? Do they even freakin exist?
A quick look at wikipedia answered my question.
Ok...so what is up with flying squirrels and gymnastics?
|"Shit, this pak salto is going nowhere."
Some research provided me with some important facts. Flying squirrels are "glider" animals. Don't you dare get them confused with birds or bats, because those animals fly. Instead, flying squirrels can jump and glide up to 90 meters (295 ft. for all you Americans) by pulling out their fluffy tail as their brake to prepare them to land on a tree trunk.
Now I've seen some fucked up squirrels in my lifetime. They love to attack any object or person within a 10 foot radius of their acorns. I can only imagine what the "flying" type are all about. They sound downright freaky. Frankly, the name flying squirrel is mute...they don't even fly dammit. They glide.
|Am I gliding or am I flying? That is the question.
Realistically, we need to ditch this nickname for Gabby. Flying squirrels are messed up creatures who themselves are inadequately profiled. Let's just do away with it altogether.....ya dig?
|"Werk the weave girl. Werk it."
Since we all have nothing better to talk about, we might as well make the topic of Gabby Douglas' hair a national phenomenon on social media. Welcome to America 2012.
The way I see it is this: if we are gonna bitch about anybody's hair, I think we have more guilty subjects to dissect.
|Blonde and beaten.
I ain't no hair dresser, but it only takes a man with at least one eyeball to see that Nastia Liukin's hair at the 2012 trials was just a hot mess.
|At least she can blame it on the hairdo.
Or take Miley Cyrus' new haircut.
|Hannah Montana is pissed.
If she's going for lesbian mail carrier...she's doing pretty good.
Even if Gabby hasn't kept up with her hair for 16 years, I'm sure investing into buying a comb will not be a problem for her anymore. I mean seriously, she's gonna be as bedazzled as Beyonce before we know it.
|Sneak peak at Gabby's floor routine in Rio.
But until then, we’ll be watching Gabby blow kisses to the sun as we watch with glimmering eyes over our precious little star--messy hair, condescending nickname and all.