The London Olympics are over. Marta booked her ticket to the Bahamas with a margarita in hand. The Chinese women’s team can at last eat some rice. Jovtchev’s wheel chair is finally occupied. Oprah can now meet her long lost daughter, and Kate Middleton will stop pretending to care about gymnastics. Life is continuing and we are all exhausted.
To recuperate and regroup, let’s review four lessons learned at these Olympics.
1. Aliya Mustafina is the shit.
|Oh, Why thank you....|
After bouncing back from a torn ACL, Mustafina's five-times-a-day-prayers were answered with becoming the most decorated women's gymnast of these games winning four medals. Not since the days of Khorkina have we seen such a diva lay down the law for her coaches, teammates, and competitors. If you are in the way of Mustafina, real shit will go down. Even though she fell off the beam during the all-around, we all secretly enjoyed it just for death stares going down:
|"Hit a tree, Flying Squirrel. Hit a tree."|
2. Old Whores Still Know How to Work the Street
Women’s gymnastics is typically a sport dominated by the prepubescent teenagers who spend more time performing Arabians than learning about them in class. Yet this Olympics brought back a few notable friends who still know how to work it and show the apparatus who's their bitch.
Twenty-four-year-old Catalina Pornstar took a “recuperating” hiatus from gymnastics five years ago to make a good ten cents and share her assets with the world. Her floor routine gave us all fever worthy of the measles and on her beam routine, she always stuck out her rack like a true pony dancer.
|Now if only she would have performed |
her beam routine with this form,
those judges would've given her the better
|If only you stuck your dismount, we'd really see those teeth.|
And then there's Chuso. Oh, Chuso. Our favorite German lesbian is back for an unprecedented 12th Olympics. Bitch can still vault.
|Mug shot from lying about her age. She is actually a robotic androgynous puppet|
3. Our Favorite Men Disappoint
|I'm fabulous, I really am!|
Mother Russia is not pleased. The country has a long history of bringing men onto the women's team -- Produnova, Lobaznyuk to name a few -- but this time, the token male pretty much fell on his head.
|Scrunching the junk|
You know Mustafina had it with Ksenia after this routine. She probably threw the bucket of Komova's tears in her face.
The U.S. Men
|"We ain't got no medals to bite on..."|
Midget, nakey-nakey, bronx booty, hyper-vaulter, and floor guru were the big teases of these Olympics. After qualifying first in the team competition, the team couldn't put it together in the finals and placed a distant fifth. While Orozco's ass was making friends with the mat, we all sat in front of our TV looking like this:
Thank goodness for our own American Ponor, Mr. Danell Leyva. With an ego almost as extensive as his father's seizures, the towel-boy proved his talent with an all-around bronze by doing tricks like this:
|Poor boy hasn't had dessert in two years|
But on the same night, this happened:
|He learned this skill on the streets of the Bronx|
We all felt a bit bad for him, but didn't hide our true feelings:
4. The Real Tears of Komova
Everyone thought Komova was crying over losing the Olympic gold. Foolish talk. In reality, she was crying over many of the other injustices of the world.
Like Raisman's toe point:
Or all the orphaned puppies of the world:
Or the world economic recession.
Truly, Komova has reason to cry. Give the girl a hug.
Thankfully there is a plan for world peace. Just one look at Mustafina's gold winning uneven bars performance will bring an end to all the pain and suffering in the world. With that in mind, Mustafina has only one response: