DWTS: The Last Dance

Thanks to serendipity, I am home to live blog during the Dancing With The Stars Finale: The One Where They Hand Out The Mirror Ball Trophy!  In the words of the great Kelly Ripa, "You're welcome, America!"  After our Canadian cousins did the right thing by crowning Ekaterina Gordeeva and Valeri Bure champions of Battle of the Blades, we can only hope that our nation of fast-food-loving simpletons did the same.





Because I can never get enough DWTS, I'm going to watch every available finale-related clip to mentally prepare myself for the show.  It is oddly similar to how Oprah meditates and prepares her on-screen persona when stepping into the elevator prior to each show.

Who on Earth is sending Carrie Ann hate mail?!  Thank goodness Mark Ballas cannot possibly lift Bristol by accident!


A Carrie Ann Inaba TV Moment for the ages!


Carrie Ann had some serious moves back in her day!


Carrie Ann's unpredictable judging moments.  You never know whatcha gonna get.


It is time for the finale!  Goodness, I just flipped the channel and Kurt was weeping on Glee.  Shocker.

Fourteen weeks ago....three contestants...   Oh Tom Bergeron, how I adore the sound of your voice.

Dah dah da da dah dah dah, dada dah dah!!!

LIVE, from Hollywood, this is finale of DANCING WITH THE STARS!!!

The pros are back and shakin it!  The Hoff, The Situation, The Cho, oh how I haven't missed some of you.  I'm still not over seeing Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani reunited last night in the audience of Skating With The Stars.

Michael Bolton is too offended by Bruno to be here tonight.

I've always enjoyed how Tom Bergeron doesn't take his own hit show seriously.

Derek almost gave Jennifer Grey reason to take a neck brace.  Sarah Palin showed Bristol how to shake her tatas to get what she wants.  Bristol finds her '8' low.  Remember the day she dreamed of getting an 8?  Now she's simply too good.  Remember the days when she was engaged to Levi?

Jennifer Grey ruptured a disc last night during the performance.  She may need a wheelchair by the end of the evening.  "I'd say break a leg, but based on what's been happening..."
Tom Bergeron never misses an opportunity for a pun and yet somehow manages NOT to sound like a complete drip.

Christina Aguilera... she is on the Johnny Weir diet.  When did THAT happen?!

Is that really Christina?  She isn't screeching nearly enough.

There is actual dancing about to begin!

Kyle Massey and Lacey dance the Tango!  Lacey loved dancing the tango and dressing like Pink.  Lacey really doesn't nail the packages well.

Oh good, a Brooke Burke commercial.  Because two hours of her drivel is not nearly enough!

Ooh, the judges are using their 10, 9 and 8 panels only once.  But what if Bristol dances like...herself?!

Tango face!  Nothing like a flat footed tango!  This is no Tootsie Roll.  It figures that Shawn Johnson would support Kyle...though I am pleasantly surprised to hear that she isn't a Bristol supporter.  It is a good enough dance, but I really prefer when he gets to show off his personality.

The judges are all in black...fearful of what may occur ninety minutes from now.

"Kyle, you're a stage animal!"- Bruno

"Teen Hooch Bristol Palin and her partner Mark Ballas."  Ugh, she really does have Todd's anti-charisma.  Bristol is going for all 10s.  Oh honey, so am I!

"According you, I'm useless and can't do anything right"...  well if the shoe fits.  Wouldn't it be amazing if she learned how to use her face?!  This is the dance THEY CHOSE.  Goodness.  To be fair, it isn't like there were many options.

Where's Sarah?!  Bristol "earned" her place in the finale with this dance.

"It was bigger and broader"  "core strength"  They're oddly close yet again.

Mommy Dearest is home and sees Christina Aguilera..."she looks different"

We get to see Jennifer Grey cry over Patrick again.  When will we get to see a recap of her injuries?!

Were those tears genuine?

Stunning posture and extension.  Actual ballroom content!  J'adore!!!

Carrie Ann saw a new wisdom in the dance.  Len says she is the complete package.  Bruno says it was a "blissful, beautiful waltz."

The judges decided their marks.  The will be difficult...

Oh good, we get to see Brooke again!

Kyle:  9  8  9 = 26

"Kyle, the last time you danced the tango was week six.  How much have you grown as a dancer?"

Bristol: 8   9  8 = 25

"How does it feel knowing you're about to dance your last dance on Dancing With The Stars?"

Based on the scoring system, we know Jennifer gained five more points on Bristol.

10!  10!  10!

Everyone will cha-cha to Raise Your Glass for the instant dance.

1. Kyle and Lacey
2. Jennifer and Derek
3. Bristol and Mark

"And in season twelve, we'll show you creative places to hide your mirror balls!"- Tom Bergeron

Little Fockers... God Bless Babs!

The Nutcracker In 3D...or you could go see the real thing!

Now it is time for the shtick!

The Hoff was robbed!  If only they showed him drowning his sorrows with a bottle of scotch!

The Hoff will be ready whenever you need him, unless he's passed out.

Lacey, Derek and Mark talk about one another.

"Lacey is like a bulldog in the china shop!" (sure, say it about the only dancer larger than a size two)

Oh Lacey, what are you wearing?!  It continues to amaze me that the girl doesn't drink.  If I didn't know she was Mormon, I'd blame her sensibilities on chilling with the Hoff...

Kurt vs. Rick dancing to Rocky...   I never get tired of watching Cheryl ATTACK!  That trophy is MINE!  I imagine her screaming like Tara Lipinski.  Sheesh, I want Cheryl to dominate me.

Another Brooke interview.  Makes me almost miss Samantha Harris.  Almost.

Christina Aguilera is going to perform her Grammy-winning hit.  It reminds me of when Whitney couldn't remember the words to her own hit song.  Good times.

Margaret, you're a dancer!

Florence, you're not sexy!

The most dramatic moments of the last 10 weeks.  There was booing in the ballroom.  ABC is still trying to convince us the booing was for higher scores.  Jennifer tears!  Bristol tears!  Maks vs. Carrie Ann!


The Carrie Ann smile!

"Mark, how proud are you of Bristol?"  Gosh Brooke, where DO you find the questions?

The Situation is too sexy for his shirt!  Pants him!  Token guidos are there cheering him on.

Most memorable moments...  "the worst Jive in 11 seasons"  Bruno was inappropriate, as was Michael Bolton's dance.

Mrs. Brady shows off her ta-tas and yet her husband still doesn't want to bone her.

The Brandy elimination.  Close-up on Bristol!

ABC is promo-ing Skating With The Stars...it gets a second week!  They're trying to convince us that millions watched.

Brandy is back doing the Quick Step...Note that there has been no sign of Sarah Palin in the ballroom.  Brandy drove herself to the finale...

"Jennifer, can your body handle one more dance?"

Christina..."Beautiful"... way more reminiscent of Mercedes' performance than one might have expected.
The gay backup dancers are signing.  Someone told Christina that Marlee Matlin was a contestant.
My mom is blaming Christina's appearance on her divorce.  I'm thinking Jordan got his hands on her money...

The Cha-Cha Challenge!!!

Bristol, the shy girl next door with the mother from hell...

Jennifer is the oldest contestant in the competition.  She must have one hell of a ''dentist," because I thought Florence Henderson was on this show?

Bristol has made the finals because_______________________.


Kyle and Lacey...

Kyle starts by shaking his moobs.  I am too blinded by Lacey to notice his technique.  Oh wait, he isn't moving.  Lacey taught Kyle how to do two moves, and he does them again and again.

Jennifer and Derek...  Gorgeous lines and her body remains intact.

Bristol stares at her feet, almost makes out with Mark for the 10,00th time and Mark even moves her leg for her.

The judges...

Bruno says Jennifer's Cha-Cha-Cha was perfection.  Bristol did a fabulous job "keeping up with those two."

Carrie Ann sounded like she was choking up for a moment...

Kyle and Lacey:  9  9  10 = 28 (110)
Jennifer and Derek: 9  9  10 = 28 (118)
Bristol and Mark: 9  9  9= 27 (104)

The third place finisher is announced when we come back!

The third place finisher is...  Bristol and Mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the words of Willow, "that's so gay!"

HALLELUJAH!

She actually looks sweet at times in the package...if only the producers showed her nicer side during the packages.  Mark is tearing up.

Kyle and Lacey, Jennifer and Derek...

and the winners are...




Jennifer and Derek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(and the tears are flowing)