Thursday, September 8, 2011

Where Have All The Children Gone?

If there is one thing I love in this world, it is watching eight, nine and ten-year-olds performing a dance about child abduction, bullying and suicide.  Abby Lee Miller is a visionary genius.  Frankly, I want to adopt a few Asians and have Abby teach them lyrical Geisha solos to perform at their weekly competitions.  Abby has taught me that when there is a casting call for The King And I, she is going to only send Ann Patrice unless she can convince Maddie that slanty-eyes would be good for her career.  Ann Patrice is going to spend her mornings with Elena Valova and her afternoons with Abby Lee Miller until Daddy is cashing some serious paychecks on her behalf.

Abby really does try her best with these girls.  It killed her to put Brooke atop the pyramid that week, but she did it to keep her from faking injuries in order to become a Kate Gosselin-like hooch like her mother.

These mothers need to know that any time they have an opinion, they're just ruining their daughters.

Look at Melissa, she agrees with everything Abby does and lives vicariously through her eight-year-old BFF.  Melissa's daughter is the best because she kisses ass and is the real-life Mrs. Cummings.


  1. I live for Abby thinking that you teach a black girl ethnic dances by copying some old drag queen routine. And the implication that they had to go buy an afro. I can't even handle the level of racism there.

    Maddie's got skills but she needs to learn some freaking artistry. She's kind of the Jordyn Wieber of the group, amazing skills but zero artistry.

  2. I actually find Maddie to be rather artistic, but she has a ways to go in her development. Her legs need a little more extension and her knees could be straighter. Maddie's biggest issue is her lack of range. Every solo she does is almost exactly the same.

  3. I was just watching this show and then I saw this post!

    I don't agree with the idea of competition dance because it goes against everything that dance is supposed to be. There shouldn't be a scoring system for dance or winning "titles". Abby only cares about winning and she doesn't really seem to care about the girls at all. She's as bad as all of the moms.

    Holly seems like the only decent mom and was right to stand up to Abby about the racist dance that Abby had Nia do.

    Maddie has great potential but I agree that all her solos look the same with her fake emotion, lots of jumps and turns with bent legs. She also seems like a little brat because every time she talks, it's about how much she's won. She doesn't know how to handle it when she doesn't win. I like Chloe better because she seems like a sweet girl (and a beautiful dancer) but her mother has serious issues.

    These people are all a bunch of nutjobs (and I can see why they're on TV because it's a very addicting show even though I want to scream at all of them lol).

  4. Maddie has what it takes for Broadway. In another year, she should have enough skill to be able to be cast in just about anything. I don't think she is ABT quality, but she'd be perfect for musical theatre.

  5. I love the show,but i definitely don't take any of it seriously because it's "reality" tv aka fake tv,and they don't even try that hard to hide it,like when they made that big thing about Maddie having two solos and Chloe only one when you can clearly see in one part that Chloe is waring her other solo custom and if you go on the website of the competition she won with that other solo.
    same as the first episode when they made that big deal about Maddie versus Chloe,and you can go on the competition website and see that they competed in different age divisions and both won,only difference is Maddie also won a Miss something title in her age division.
    that electricity dance is a total ripoff from the single ladies dance
    i bet the producers just went to Abby with that video and told her to copy it.
    I also bet that Maddie is not the brat they make her out to be and i doubt she even knew what a perfectionist is until they told her to say that word.
    I don't doubt that all the adults have some issues,what normal people would agree to do this show,but it has little to do with that made up shit that goes on that show.

  6. thank you for this post! I like to refer to this show as "gym moms" cause the snarky drunks remind me of some gym moms I've had to unfortunately coach :(

  7. I live for this show! But seriously Abby give Brooke a lyrical and she would kill.

  8. I think the blue bra and garter dance is a bit stripperific for 9 year olds ...

  9. This show is a terrific train wreck.

  10. Part of me likes the show but the rest of me hates (hates, HATES) the scripted faux "drama". Oh, look, the mums are sitting down to chat at a restaurant and the camera just happens to be there and now I must go RIGHT NOW and yell at Abby with all the little girls present, blah, blah, blah and now we all need a botox fieldtrip...kill me. So fake. None of the housewives are good actors and the only ones who come off with a tiny bit of class are Michelle Obama (Holly) and Maddy's mom. Props to them for managing to hang onto that while the editors and writers do their best to make you look like psycho bitches. The whole pyramid thing is pure BS too.

    It is also an indication of how much Toddlers and Tiaras I've been watching that I want to take little Vivienne and do some hair reduction on her face. Her mom is the most annoying bitch on the show but I want to tell her that if you insist on putting whore makeup on your seven year old, for god's sake, go all the way crazy so she doesn't look like a tranny. Poor kid NEVER looks good whether it is her hair or the blue eyeshadow or clown cheeks. At least Maddie's mom knows how to bank on her kid's rather outlandish looks. Learn from her.

  11. Cathy annoys me she was clearly added to the show for extra drama and there is something that keeps bugging me and i wish they would mention it on the show,Vivienne is adopted right?

  12. @MollyMonster - HA! I love your post and ITA about Vivi. Over the past few weeks I've felt terrible for even thinking this about a kid, but that girl consistently looks like holy hell.