Thursday, June 7, 2012

Dance Moms: I Want It Now

Dance Moms began as a charming little train wreck where little girls danced, got screamed at by their obese coach, watched their mothers engage in cat fights, wore sparkly glittery costumes, performed questionable choreography and won titles every week.  As with most cable networks desperate for hit shows, Lifetime has pushed for more episodes in less time.  The girls, who outrageously learn a 'new dance' every week have been freezing on stage with greater frequency, performing stale choreography and finishing in the middle of the heap from week to week.  These girls are making the exploited Gosselin children look well-rested, happy and relatively normal.  Usually perky Maddie needed some of Honey Boo Boo Child's Go-Go Juice to get her through the week.

One of the bizarre aspects of Dance Moms is that while we see them interviewed on every talk show imaginable, the show has yet to reference that these girls are indeed somewhat famous, especially in the dance world.  Fifteen times an episode, we hear Abby Lee Miller drone on about her 'name' when she stresses the girls out before they step on stage.  What they don't acknowledge is that these girls are under a microscope at competitions.  The other competitors want to get a glimpse of the freak show and the better studios want to kick their asses.  Judges have cable  TV and youtube.  They've seen all of Abby's tracks by now.  There are only so many poorly executed aerial cartwheels that one can witness before they come to expect and look for it in the routines.  The girls' schedule has increased with their media commitments, travel, etc.  Unfortunately, they just don't have enough time in the dance studio to be progressing.

Kelly was on point when she called Abby stale.  "I Want It Now," was a cheap, easy routine that the girls didn't nail exceptionally well.  It was a B-/C+ effort performed at about 85%.  The judges nailed them for it.  The moms didn't seem very excited by it.  There were no tears for babcha.  It was utterly forgettable.  If you were a little dancing bitch at another studio, wouldn't you be disappointed if the girls didn't bring out their best Burlesque shit show or at least provide you with a hint of Nia choking herself on stage?!

The trio made the group number look like ALDC masterpiece.  It appears that forty five minutes were spent on this dance.  The cheap posing and lack of content, direction and originality was not worthy of a TV show.  If these girls want to compete in Pittsburgh with a sub par routine it is one thing, but they are going to be slaughtered at the better competitions.  This was worthy of one of those gym floor competitions the girls bombed a few months back.  Sadly, Nia wasn't even there to eff things up and entertain us.

Note:  Where the hell do they find the awful music?  Are they THAT cheap about refusing to pay licensing fees?

One of the best aspects of the trio was that Maddie had to watch and demonstrate.  The things the producers make Abby have Maddie do to bait Christi are delicious.  I can see her eye shadow and beak nose inch closer together as the words come out of Abby Lee's mouth.  Even better was the 'constructive criticism exercise.'  While peer review is largely useless, yet beloved by modern educators who like to use feelings and rainbows as opposed to good old-fashioned bitch slaps, there is always one girl who gets out her red pen and goes to town.  That was Maddie.  Girl let Chloe know that her transitions are often sloppy.  It is the truth, but you know the producers were living for this idea when they thought it up.

It was fun how several weeks have clearly passed since the Spring finale, yet we were led to believe things picked up the next day.  Nia suddenly has braids and is giving Abby Lee all sorts of weave ideas and temptations.  Cathy's hair was also different. Maddie looks older and Brooke continues to be aging out of the show.  Those hips aren't for a nine-year-old anymore.  If Brooke were a cast member of  Annie, another orphan would've booted her ass off stage during hiatus.

Chloe is improving as a dancer, especially in terms of expression and performance.  Dance Chlo works, but girlfriend needs a new choreographer.  The fake Joffrey audition may be for naught, as Christi is unsure if it will be written into the storyline.  Frankly, they need to up their training in they hope to keep winning.  Maybe having Abby Lee's crocodile tears are better TV?

Overall, this episode was dull.  I swear we have seen all of the fights before.  Melissa didn't threaten to sue anyone.  Nia wasn't plucking cotton.  There were no dances about childhood suicide.  Stale. Stale. Stale!

Which Abby Lee choreographic staple are you most tired of seeing?


  1. I love to hate this show. I am appalled at all the behaviour I see. I think those poor kids, ARE KIDS caught up in adult shit. They just want to dance and are puppets for Abbey, the producers and parents. I would like to zoom up time and ask those kids, what it was like to be them, now. My fear is that Abby is going to destroy them before they get a chance to fulfill their dreams. Their esteem, morals, and lives are on a course to self destruct, and they don't even have a choice to do it themselves.

    1. These kids will be set up for life in terms of memoirs, reality shows, etc. Frankly, we are all fucked up.

  2. formula for abby lee group choreography:

    empty stage. enter one girl at a time from right corner (stage right? upstage? im not a theater person). brooke does a front aerial then some weird backwards dip thing to show off her flexibility. maddie does some turns and is the center of attention. add inappropriate theme. bikinis and/or sheer spandex are a must.

  3. how they found this third rate studio is beyond me. With all the kickass dance studios doing good choreography, good technique & have tons of kids to choose from, where did they find this dump? Sorry Abby - it's just so mediocre - is that the appeal of it? I'm confused

  4. well, the best studios would not stand for the interuptions, the constant need for new dances & weekly competitions in exchange for time working on technique. Plus the fact abby is HUGE and loud & obnoxious, the producrers hope that we dont notice how horrible the girls' technique is if we are listening to all the yelling.

  5. Somebody fix Paige's tumbling form. Maybe it's because she's so tall and gangly, but that back tuck in the group number, yuck.

    1. Paige has moments where she looks good and then she does something fugly. She might be good if she ever got any actual attention.

  6. After watching Dance Moms Miami, you really notice how lacking the technique is at Abby Lee's studio. They really aren't that strong. Maddie is good and is fortunate to have strong stage presence.(Even if it can sometimes be put on) Personally, I think Mackenzie is going to be better than Maddie as she isn't as fake. It is hard to know how Paige and Brooke will do as they aren't often given as many chances to shine.
    Personally, I believe that Chloe has the most potential and really should get into a ballet studio. She would thrive in a ballet studio and would actually become a stronger dancer. I can't stand that many of these dance shows only show choreography that favors a dancers strong side. Ballet dancers must be able to do everything from the left and the right. They may have a favored side for turns or leaps but many can still turn or leap on the opposite side.
    Having taught dance in a primarily ballet studio, I really miss seeing choreography that shows dancers using their left and right sides for strength/agility moves throughout a dance.
    Oh...and Abby Lee is just a bitch (even if some of the story line is contrived) and I would leave the studio for that reason alone.