Lisa Weiss (and her new breasts attained for the 2006 Olympics she never was to attended) wrote in to us regarding an important article on ESPN about Ryan Lochte. Dear Lisa is one of my favorite bitches, with a fierce stare and terrifying gaze all her own. My favorite yoga partner enjoys reading Vogue, Vanity Fair and the NYTimes on her way to pilates, but she has had it with London's latest mediawhore, no matter how pretty he may be.
Dear Ryan Lochte,
Please stop bitching.
Every Olympic cycle, there seems to be at least a couple pre-Olympic media darlings tumbling across our TV screens or cursing themselves on the covers of Sports Illustrated. In 2008, it was Shawn Johnson and Michael Phelps, both of whom lived up to the hype. This year, Ryan Lochte has stolen that spotlight from the likes of Lolo Jones despite her virginal claims. Gracing the covers of everything from Vogue to Men’s Health, Lochte with his piercing blue eyes and boyish good looks, is a refreshing alternative to Phelps. As a Baltimore native, I was rather sick of the coverage on Phelps’ pancake consumption which turned out to be false after all. We were forced to read about Phelps’ caloric intake because there was simply nothing else to write about the kid. He swam and ate when he wasn’t getting caught up in DUIs, bong-gate, and Vegas strip clubs. If you asked me to tell you something about Phelps outside of the pool and outside of his run-ins with the law, I’d tell you that he eats a lot. Aside from being the greatest Olympian of all time, his pre-Olympic media coverage centered around his quest for eight gold medals and his diet.
|Please stop wearing these ridiculous outfits. You look stupid.|
Yes, Ryan, there are plenty of girls out there. You just might have to look in different places than your buddy Phelps, outside the Gainesville strip club scene, or for that matter, I would recommend looking outside the state of Florida. As your family agrees, "He doesn't know the difference between a good girl and a bad girl," Devon adds. "I'll tell him, 'Ry, this is not the kind of girl that we would bring home to Mom.” Though I am sure you will face enormous pressure in London, we do not sympathize with you for being unable to have a drink in peace in a Gainesville bar, you shouldn’t be drinking anyway and you live in Gainesville, Florida. Are you really surprised you’re recognized there? As if all this wasn’t enough, the most preposterous complaint of all, cold water. Yes, you read that correctly, our potential golden boy of London is complaining that the pool he had one practice in, was too cold.
Ry Ry, I challenge you to feel the numbness of a couple hours in an ice rink. Then, we’ll talk over beers in Tribeca where you won’t be recognized, and I can introduce you to some nice girls who will definitely own fewer shoes than you.
Note: This is not the REAL Lisa Weiss, though the author does enjoy her BSB-loving husband.