Alicia Sacramone didn't win beam. She didn't even win a medal. Anything after vault gold was merely icing on the imaginary (until tomorrow, when she leaves Marta's grasp) cake.
But bitch did the routine she wanted to do in Beijing TFs 2 years ago - she went up first and nailed that routine to the wall. Since USAG dollfaces Nastia "I'm a beard/no I'm not/That's what she said People Magazine" Liukin & Shawn "Dancing with the Nekkid Guy from SATC I" Johnson are eating food in 2010, Sacramone finally got to compete in a beam final.
I've seen Sacramone compete beam several times in person and many times on video, and this was the routine of her life, even with a step on the landing. She even made the fugly-ass chinstand look somewhat presentable. Quarterback bf Brady Quinn will hopefully take inspiration from her, sitting 3rd-string behind Kyle Orton & Tim Tebow on a team that just lost to the Raiders by 45, yes 45 points. I hope Alicia gets to go to their game in London this week and shops & eats pastries the rest of the time.
How good was Sacramone? Even going 1st, she had the top E score in a beam final with HBIC, Whitey, Still Not 16 But Already Burnt Out, Awkward Aussie, Underfed Romanian, Elegant Spaz Commie, and Ukie, named as such since "Elegant Headcase Ukie" is triple-redundant. Only a .4-.5 lower E score kept her off the podium. Sacramone makes Marta look like a genius.
Defending silver medalist Awkward Aussie mounted with her
Then Ukie mounted with an intricate routine including the only back full (tucked) of the finals and choreography showcasing backward steps, arm circles, and no neck. Bitch needs to breathe. She had a relatively clean, yet stilted routine until she Ukie-d the dismount.
Then we were jolted out of our hazy glow with a 1983 neon flashback. Good god, were we in The Valley with Moon Unit?
Nope, that's just DLL, the "veteran" from 2008 Beijing showing us that she was old like us and could appreciate old things like us including neon, acid jazz, and Romper Room since she's now
Next was HBIC, on her 15th routine of the World Championships. Elfi said tired, her coach said tired, HBIC's eyes said tired, so when she was slightly off on her standing arabian, she internally shrugged and jumped off the beam. Oh, and if someone could introduce us, HBIC & I need to have a convo:
No. White. Bras. EVAAAAAAAAH!
Thank you - I feel better now. Dear future Russian fashion icon, the bra you want is "nude" or "peachy" or something that better matches your actual skin color. I was going to say something with your blue TF leos, and your teammates' black bras looked better than your white bra, but with pink mesh we must Catty chat.
So, fashion lesson of the day - white bras look WHITE, even under a white leo. Nude bras look more like skin. Or if you want to be fancy-pants, there are fancy-dancy clear bra straps.
There, mama feels better.
Last but not least (caffeinated),
Final standings: 1) Underfed Romanian 2t) DLL & Whitey McVampirason