Wednesday, May 26, 2010

(I Need To) Smack Sasha Moment

The 2004 World Title was Sasha Cohen's for the taking. Already well trained due to her time with Tatiana Tarasova where she was forbidden to speak during lessons (because she was a known complainer), Sasha Cohen entered Dortmund with a great chance at gold given her pared down programs by Robin Wagner.

Even though she did not attempt the triple-triple combinations of Shizuka Arakawa, the judges found the overall technical merit of her spirals, footwork, marvelous forward scratch skin and immeasurable precision to be superior. In short, this was her year. After a sub-par performance from Kwan in qualifying followed by a .2 deduction for going over time, the door was finally open for Sasha to defeat the Kween and capture gold at Worlds. The judges went as far as to reward Cruella De Ville with four 6.0s for her fiery and bitchtastic performance to Malaguena.

Unfortunately for Sasha and her overzealous skating mother, Alexandra Pauline Cohen blew it. Again. The judges were on a high that year. Slutskaya was so awful that they didn't even need to pretend that the emperor had any clothes. In typical Sasha fashion, when the path to victory was without a bump in the road, she managed to create one herself. It was even evident that she was training full programs all season and she didn't splat during her long program, but it was a special performance with mistakes we'd never even seen from her before (and we thought we had seen it all after she skated into the boards and face planted a forward camel spin at Worlds.) Adorned in Badgley Mischka months before MK+O became their muses, it was truly her golden moment. Despite Arakawa landing two (questionable) triple-triples with her overarched (not locked out) ina bauer, it became clear if Ms. Cohen managed to stay upright, the judges were going to throw her a bone. They likely would've even overlooked a two foot or two (or three knowing Sasha.)

From the first strains of Robin Lake, it became quite clear that a stiff drink would be needed to get through the longest four minutes of all of our lives. For once, Sasha managed to change edge more on the landing of her triple flutz than she did on the takeoff. The second triple, a flip, was rather URRRRGGGGHHHHHH...OKAY! Girl's still upright. Then came that Russian jewish ferocity as the music picked up. The arms shot left and right like weapons. Then Uncle Dick had a skategasm when it came time for the Split Jump+Charlotte (on a flat). When Sasha made it through a triple toe+double toe and her posing section without stumbling we thought we had a shot. Triple Salchow is her best jump...she landed one already and she can do it. She can do it. She can....WHAT THE HELL?!?! A 2 1/4 salchow. Even Jill Trenary would've pulled that out. Of course, she hits the pared down footwork, marvelous spiral sequence on the music and her better than porn closing spins.

Fuck you Sasha, I swear I gained a few gray hairs even re-watching this on youtube.

And for even more reason the HATE her, she finally managed her only truly clean free skate just a few weeks later.

I need those years off my life back.

No comments:

Post a Comment