MIOBI Recap: Going Rogue

The girls of MIOBI are Going Rogue and stirring up trouble with the National Team Staff. Rock On!

Okay, let's just get to it. How much do you cringe whenever they chant Rock On?! I don't know what makes me hurl, them cheering Rock On, or the MKFers (and WestPalmBitch) saying Rach On! or She Rachs!!!! There are reasons why my walls have dents in them. I can't handle the cheese wiz nature of it all.

It has been a few weeks since I've written about our girls and so much has happened. It seems to me like these girls are never actually training. I don't remember the last time Lauren Tanner did a backflip. I am glad to see that she still has her race car driver beam choreography. These girls need to develop eating disorders if they are going to play gymnasts. It is why their portrayals aren't believable. I'd like to join them in a stall for a week or two. It would do wonders for the way their butts look in those leotards. Holy hell. Kmetko running toward vault is an eyesore.

Season one may have been allllll about me hating Payson, but I am starting to like that linebacker. I enjoy how she can just have back surgery and run miles and miles days later. Looking at her, I have visions of Bela forcing fat ass Nadia Comaneci to sweat the pounds off like Richard Simmons during the Nadia movie before 1978 Worlds.

There is a new girl I hate at the Rock and her name is Emily Kmetko. It is an accomplishment when your acting is so bad that the girls on Seventh Heaven start texting you the name of their acting coach. Hell, Payson looks like an Emmy Nominee next to Emily.

How many times does Kmetko say "That's amazing!" every episode. We are starting a tally from now on.

We also need to have another tally for how many times Sasha is shown giving some sort of motivational speech. He is like a walking twelve-step program. Every time he talks to those girls, I just hear him getting that tone in his voice and see that Oprah look in his eye. This guy is NOT a coach. Is he ever actually teaching any of them technique? He spends more time in his office than any NCAA coach I've ever known. Why does Sasha never yell at the girls or call them fat or pregnant? Bela would blame Emily's fear of her Yurchenko 1 1/2 on the fact that she spends all that time around pizza and is getting doughy herself. The only time I like Sasha is when they are showing him getting fresh with DJ Tanner. Can he propose already so they can fuck and we can see him shirtless and in his boxer briefs?!

The girls spent a week in the gym on lockdown, but you know they didn't improve. They were all very apprehensive about returning to the 'real world' after their week in the gym. Okay, this is how you know the show is complete bullshit. No one EVER lies about leaving the ranch! When are they finally going to go to the ranch? You know some of them need to go on Martha's Auschwitz diet plan.

They are all whining about their lives this week and trying to play "whose life sucks the most?!"

Everyone was dropping the L Bomb left and right this week. Yet another boy is in love with Emily. And Kaylie's hot brother was back last week and constantly undressing her with his eyes.

Lauren and Kaylie had some serious heart-to-hearts this week. They were being oh so close and talking about sharing leotards (and sexual partners.) Lauren confessed that her father was dating Chloe Kmetko. She told him that Chloe supposedly dumped him but she didn't buy it because "Money talks. Especially to poor people."

Lauren was HURT that Kaylie didn't tell her about reconciling with Carter. Lauren already heard from him and couldn't believe that Kaylie spent a week with her in the gym without telling her about it. Um, this is a girl who did the nasty with her best friend's boyfriend and is currently trying to seduce him nightly in the room above her garage.

The Black British Agent was back trying to stop Kaylie from competing in the invitational against China. Sasha went rogue and invited the National Team because they didn't take Kaylie to China. They also didn't take Emily, but she is about as competitive as Nikki Childs was as an elite.

Emily is afraid of her blind landing on her Yurchenko 1 1/2. It was so big of the writers to learn to term "blind landing." Now, they just need to learn that D.O.D. is a DIVING TERM and that it is D-score in gymnastics! It is nails on a chalkboard to my ears.

And then Damon used the "blind landing metaphor" in a cheese wiz moment most of us saw coming a mile away. I wish we had barf bags handed to us when we tune in to watch this amazing television.

Damon to Emily: I know you felt you flying blind with me.

Then they made out right. Ugh, you're not supposed to fuck before you compete. It relaxes you too much. Sure enough, Emily couldn't vault the next day. Once again, Sasha was in his office fighting with people, so Payson was coaching Emily on vault. Payson revealed to Emily that she had secretly been allowed to return to gymnastics training for the last two weeks but had been too afraid to train. "We'll do the vault together. I'll do it if you do it!" Oh Rach on with this writing!!!

Sure enough, Emily did the vault. Only, her stunt double can only do a Yurchenko Full (Tucked), so they had Emily scoot around on the mat. (You know Ariana can't get a 1 1/2 around with that rod in her leg.)


Back at the Cruz house, Mrs. Crus got SERVED (divorce papers, that is) and Kaylie was beside herself. How could her father divorce her just because she cheated on him?! Sasha had to come over and give some speech about being a leader and her teammates needing her. Kaylie looked at him like, "Oh I know. Emily REALLY needs my help." Kaylie has that double arabian and she is a total leader now. She is Courtney Kupets and Emily is Paige Burns. They need to vault score to balance out that bent armed-block.

The National Team Committee is beside themselves about being shown up by the Rock taking on China and beating them. Princess Leia didn't get the job done in Beijing and embarrassed them. Note to USAG, it will be a cold day in hell before you ever beat China again!

The NTC tried to get Kaylie to withdraw from the meet, but those feisty latinas never cooperate. So they decided to go after Kmetko, as though it would be some big loss. Well, they found out that Emily Kmetko has A JOB and all hell broke loose when they told Sasha about it. He left the gym (again) to go catch Emily at work and gave her some speech about how she is throwing everything away.

The Kmetkos are shit up a creek because that scholarship is half their income and it gets pulled if she competes vs. China. Of course she is going to compete, because Emily supports the Rock and is now going to follow their rules. She even dumped Damon. (She'll be playing tonsil hockey with someone new next week.)

My favorite MILF, Chloe Kmetko, was never even a bit mad at Emily. She was so proud at her for standing up for herself. Oh please, this is NOT drama. The Kmetkos will just move into that room above Lauren's garage.

Speaking of the garage (Lauren's meditation room), Lauren was telling Carter how she wants Carter and Kaylie to be happy together right when Kaylie came over to talk to Lauren about the China meet. The NTC is still fucking with her and she just HAD to talk to her BFF, whom she hasn't been speaking to for months. Well, Mr. Tanner told her that Lauren must be meditating, so he sent upstairs and Kaylie opened the door to see Carter and Lauren...HUGGING!!!!!! Black screen. Roll credits.

Oh. My. Shit. I think WestPalmBitch is having a coronary.

He hasn't seen this yet, so I will have to envision his reaction for all of you:


OMGGGGG HONEY!!!! HOT MESSSSS!!!!! Lauren and CARTER TOGETHER and KAYLIE SEEEES!!!

This is better than that shit he watches on Univision!

Next week is the season finale and the stunt work will be done by C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y-K-U-P-E-T-S. I hope she is pretty excited