Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Last Dance

This year’s Olympic Ice Dance competition may go down as the best Olympic Ice Dance event ever. And how fast was your heart racing when NBC aired the intro to the final four?! The level of skating in all three portions of the competition was so beyond our wildest dreams. Skaters always regurgitate those corny lines, “I just hope everyone does their best,” but this is one time where it actually happened. The skate gods have spoken.

Prior to the most orgasmic hour in television since the season one finale of Desperate Housewives, we had a warm-up act that was sometimes pretty, sometimes laughable and often times downright weird.

Aunt Joyce became an old whore yesterday, so some non-skating friends were over to celebrate the occasion and to offer their ‘’expert’’ opinions on ice dance. Really, what could make for a better birthday? We decided to forgo our Galina Zmievskaya Pomegranate Martinis in order to fully appreciate the hot mess in front of us.

Let’s navigate through the early skaters as painlessly as possible.

Crone and Proieier- Muzak Bohemian Rhapsody.

“He looks like he is twelve and showing off his pasty man cleavage.”-Clare

The young Canadians displayed wonderful skating skills and promise. It was one of those performances where you just wanted to reach out your hand and say, “Congratulations. You have talent. Now go kiss Marinia Zoueva’s ass and making something out of it.”

Clare, who likes to be known as my original Grace Adler, really enjoyed Crone’s hair, which looked like it had clips in it that one would wear to prom circa 1999. They have wonderful dance spins, but Tracy Wilson picked out the slowest part of their program to note their speed and power.

NBC aired a preview of the ladies event next. My dad decided to let everyone know that he has read about that Kim Yu-Na and she is the Elvis of Korea. He has become quite the skating expert over the years.

My phone started blowing up with text messages about the ladies.

Margaret Thatcher: I certainly rule the Americans out.

It looks like NBC is about to deliver the fluff we’ve all been waiting for: the Mirai Nagasu sushi restaurant/ my room is covered in Hello Kitty goodness we knew would come sooner or later.

Joannie Rochette is supposedly practicing better than ever. I was so ready to have fun with her performances, but I find myself rooting for her to embrace the moment and kick ass this week. Suddenly, North America is on a first-name basis with figure skaters for the first time in a decade. Joannie is the new tragic heroine. Rooting against Joannie would be the equivalent of supporting Michael Vick.

Samuelson and Bates have improved their costumes greatly, but does it really matter with this free dance? They picked the most boring Sarah Brightman song ever. This team needs some new choreographic direction if they hope to remain ahead of the up and coming Shpilband teams.

Evan Bates looks like Tim Goebel the Ice Dance plus extension and posture. For the record, Tim Goebel says Evan Bates is quite attractive.

NBC gave their token, “this is all about experience,” comment after they performed. To be completely honest, my friends started talking during this performance and it felt like we forgot they were even skating as we stared blankly at the TV screen.


NBC keeps pimping out Tracy Wilson’s ice dance credentials, but I’d certainly like to forget her free dance costume from Calgary. Did anyone notice that Sarah Silverman appeared to be her assistant in the broadcast booth?

As two friends left and two more arrived, I ran upstairs and eventually had to rewind my DVR to see the next two performances. I knew I was in for a good time when I got a text message from a dear friend.

Romanza: “You KNOW Sinead Kerr was a Clydesdale in a former life…”

The Kerrs’ Linkin Park program is appealing, although there isn’t a real discernable theme going on. I am glad Sinead displayed the butchest of her qualities by seriously lifting her partner during the program. The twizzles were off and she tripped a bit after lifting him, but they had good lifts and smooth edges throughout. It was pleasant, but what is with the makeup on his cheek?


Pechalat and Bourzat were good, but messed up a lift and were not pleased following their program. It was a pretty forgettable performance overall for a good team.

They were really a warm-up act for Delobel and Schoenfelder, who skated to “The Impossible Dream.” What an apt title for the chances of me liking this program. Delobel and Schoenfelder told the media that they hoped to challenge for the gold medal in Vancouver. Oh dear, Didier is not THAT much of a miracle worker. It isn’t like we ever had to live with Surya Bonaly being crowned world champion.

The “story of their careers” was taken WAY too literally. I really could’ve done without the kid voices in the music. It wasn’t voidy. It wasn’t cute. The dance was seriously unpolished and it was only good in a , “it isn’t as bad as your other two skates” way.

The most interesting aspect of their program was the random striptease during their program.

I was texting Hoi Polloi during this, asking why the French skaters are always trashy when they’re supposed to be a superior, sophisticated culture.

Hoi Polloi: This from the country that gave us the pencil mustache, the cigarette holder, and who only pronounce 30 percent of the letters in their words…

My dear friend Dawn noted, “This song doesn’t seem like it would help anyone win.”

This team just didn’t have enough time to deliver their forgettable performances. How old are there? Delobel ‘s feet were aching her to the point where she had to take her skates off during the Kiss and Cry.


Khokhlova and Novitsky skated their “Firebird” program, because it is somehow supposed to be superior to their equally awful “Russian Soul” free dance that amused us during the Grand Prix season.

Let’s cut the shit, Jana had flames shooting out of her ass with that costume. They epitomized the reason people consider ice dance to be a huge joke.

Tom Hammond called Jana a bitch in NBC’s favorite way to put, “She has a fiery personality.” Hey, isn’t that why you said about Sasha Cohen in Salt Lake City?!

Notvitsky looked like the musician from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Oh how I hope we don’t have to deal with the Russians holding up this team over the next four years.

Tracy let us know that Sergei is a total Margaglio by saying, “he often gets left behind.”

The program was nothing short of a giant flaming peacock and the performance was certainly from the fires of hell.

“Have to like what they try to do!” Ouch Tracy, OUCH!!!

Finally it was time for the final flight to emerge for their warm-up. Tessa Virtue sported a gorgeous new dress, while Belgosto still wore their heinous Elvis/Church Whore costumes.

Alex Forrest:”If Tanith Belbin is a representation of Christianity, that is a religion I need to be a party of!”

Margaret Thatcher is rude whenever Meryl Davis comes on screen because Maggie claims extreme loyalty to Tanith Belbin. People either find Meryl stunningly gorgeous or not cute, and you can guess which side MT is on.

Margaret Thatcher: "Meryl Davis looks like an insect because she has one eye on each side of her head."

Marlie never fail to deliver under pressure. They are serious competitors and went after the program to the point that Charlie looked ready to pass out at the end even though they do run-throughs of each of their programs every day in training.

There are many who will think that Marlie deserved the first place in the free dance last night. It was the equivalent of a 5-4 split and I think both teams recognize that. Had they not held a lift for slightly too long (and a 1.00 deduction), it would’ve been a much closer event. Still, I ultimately believe that the order of 1-2 was justified and correct.

You know that a team and a program is beyond amazing when you watch a program performed to overused music for the thousandth time this season and it still moves you. They really delivered. Perhaps they were a bit freer at Nationals, but it was clean and captivating. Unfortunately, the skating order may have hurt them a bit they way it hurt Michelle Kwan in Nagano.

They are likely on their way to winning the World Championships this year and will make history of their own. It will be incredible to watch them grow and continue to innovate over the next four years. With a little more polish and extension, they will become legends.

I have a strong feeling that things may have turned out differently had they skated their Samson and Delilah program after Virtue and Moir skated last night.

Faiella and Scali’s “The Immigrants” was a serious letdown after Phantom of the Opera. It was a bit of a bathroom break between the top two teams.

“Skate faster, we have reservations!”

The program last the audience the same way the team lost their speed during their footwork sequences. Federica’s gimmicky Krylova eyes KILL me. Her open mouth made her appear to be a scary clown catching flies.

Faiella is a terrifying version of Olive Oil with that eye makeup and just needs a Popeye to complete the picture.

I’d appreciate this team more if they weren’t amidst such an amazing group of performances. Word is they will be on the podium at Worlds.


Then it was D-Day, Virtue and Moir’s Mahler Symphony No. 5 on Olympic Ice in Canada. Dawn was already captivated by Voir as they skated to center ice.

“He is either in love with her, or he is gay. Look at how he is talking to her and looking at her!”

To me, this performance was the most magical of the games thus far. This music is difficult to skate to and they were breathtaking. Tessa and Scott skated full out and really pushed all three of their programs to the edge and were legitimate gold medalists in an artistic way that “Love Story” was not.

Scott Moir is hysterical for telling Tessa that they were second in the Kiss and Cry, followed by, “Just Kidding. We won the Olympics!”

Oh how I would like to be their agent right now! I certainly hope that they won’t go professional. Given the state of professional skating, I don’t think Stars On Ice could compete with the type of money Skate Canada and its sponsors could offer them to continue.

The night was won on GOE and PCS because the top two teams had identical technical levels. Virtue and Moir had 4 10.0s and 43 +3s compared to 1 10.0 and 35 +3s for Marlie.


Belgosto delivered their best Ave Maria of the season and deserved the bronze medal, but it was noticeably behind the top two teams. It just wasn’t on the same level. I believe they were robbed, but I am not quite crying for them because they have won their fair share of questionable medals.

Tanith and Ben had a nice moment by themselves in the Kiss and Cry. Tanith knew that they weren’t going to medal and really handled herself with a ton of class. We’re going to miss them.


Domnina and Shabalin skated their free dance with their bullshit belt-aided lifts and drug one another around the ice at a glacial speed. Their swatting of one another was pathetic compared to the sophistication of the Shpilabnd/Zoueva teams. Their footwork was slow and failed to keep up with the music, they were off on their twizzles and just didn’t captivate anyone last night.

I seriously live for Shabalin whining that they didn’t win given how weak they have been for the last two seasons. When was the last time the Russians admitted to deserving a silver medal?


Last night’s event was one of the most incredible nights in skating history. It was legitimate. It was honest. It was mesmerizing and will inspire a new generation of North American figure skaters.

Aside from the amazing medal ceremony moment, one thing stuck out to me:

Why did the flower bouquets look like broccoli?!

Check out the detailed scoring from last night.

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