Live Blog: NBC Primetime Women's AA Coverage

It has been rough times on NBC tonight. We have been subjected to lesbians in every sport in NBC's awful quest for ratings. Of course, they've spoiled every event on the evening news, so my family has spent the evening discussing Matt Lauer's affairs and just how awful Savannah is as an anchor. We are team Hoda.

Margaret Thatcher finds the rowing lesbians to be insufferable, yet I am rather concerned with the volleyball players who aren't naked. And really, what the hell is the difference between indoor and outdoor volleyball. If we don't get to see Serena play on seventeen difference surfaces during the Olympics, I don't want to see volleyball players who are balding or not even hot. At least show us Hope Solo being butch and offensive.

NBC is promising the women's all-around final in minutes. God Bless. Dominique Dawes and I have been a wreck waiting to watch this on tape delay.



Ferrari is wearing a cutout leotard with glittered love handles. I don't know how she trains seventeen hours a day and has a mid section, but I'm blaming it on her being Italian. My bitchy sister thinks Nastia sounds like a smurf. My sister was rooting for Shawn. Mommy Dearest says Nastia probably doesn't have her period yet. Kudos to Anastasia Liukina for informing the American public how to pronounce Mustafina and Komova, because the insufferable NBC commentary trio is going to butcher it.

Token Dave Durante shot of Jordyn Wieber. She is smiling. You know the director wants to see some fucking tears.

Aly really shouldn't be wearing Adele hair with that body type.

Lady Gaga is a Maroney fan...yet Al is making it all about our fabulous member of the chosen people.


"No one believed Aly would be in this position (after seeing her bar routine.)"-Elfi

Apparently, none of the girls in West Des Moines knew Gabby's rap music when she started. I have visions of her giving young Norah Flatley some swag and I love it. Gabby looks fantastic in the air. I'd love a bit more toe point. 15.966 is a bit high considering she is off to the side on the landing, but it was a great vault.

"Gabby already one-upped Dawes."-Margaret Thatcher

I would call Aly Raisman a sturdy German, but that would be far too much irony. The form is fug as hell. NBC is acting like they are just learning about it. Their new Maroney-cam on vault is not kind to Aly...only 0.600 in deductions...Martha and Mihai have some serious friends on the panel.

Komova in lovely blue. Low on the landing and off to the side. I live for the fact that she never really stops moving the vault after she is pissy about the landing. It is seriously impressive that she has hit three of these in a row when she hasn't even done them since the Youth Olympics.

I really do not see why everyone calls Gabby Mini-Oprah. In what parallel universe does Oprah resemble Gabby or vice versa? What metabolism? Oprah wishes. We've lived through the wagon of fat. I don't see it facially either. Oprah's head is the size of seven Gabbys.

I live for Nastia always looking like she is in a foul mood unless it is time to smile with Jenna Bush.

Deng-a-ling does a good vault, but she has done the double twisting yurchenko for far too many years to look that average. Deng-a-ling is the only member of the Chinese team whom I think one could make a case for being of-age in China when previously suspected otherwise. Girl has not aged a day in years.

Mustafina's vault is lovely. Mommy Dearest does NOT enjoy her eye makeup. So much better than her usual form. I do think she will be world champion again in the future. She is a ferocious competitor and her comeback is seriously impressive. Please note that her knee injury was after Shawn Johnson's, who will be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars despite acting like an amputation is necessary.

Maybe Gabby has Oprah's mouth a tad, but it is not nearly filled with as much fabulous bullshit.

"My friend's theory on why no one cares about beach volleyball--'People were interested back in 1996, when you couldn't get porn for free. Now that it's available on the internet, no one gives a shit about people grunting in their swimsuits."- Tarasova's Mink

"I hope Jordyn was calling her hot brother on her iPhone."-Gaysian Attorney

During this swimming break, I think we need to take a moment to discuss Dominique Dawes. Our fabulous bow legged diva has not yet been forgiven for been the worst commentator among the Magnificent Seven (it is hard to out-do Shannon or Moceanu's love for her fifth-grade Thesaurus), but it was far from 'quite nice' listening to her. I have yet to forgive her Sydney haircut as well. I will say that I was touched by her crying over Gabby until she made it all about herself. Now, what do we make of her tweeting? Is it helping her after her commentary debacle or are you just over her kissing Michelle Obama's ass and acting like Disney's first black princess?

"Hey, I loved Dawes' commentary at the 2001 Goodwill Games. I never heard any commentator point out the 'Dawes' uneven bar skill so. so. many times. It was wonderful."-Margaret Thatcher

My sister is discussing Drew Peterson getting away with murder while Aly Raisman is on bars. It is quite appropriate given the score for this level 5 execution. Aly on bars reminds me of one of those girls who was forced to do level 7 back when it was the level for fifteen-year-old rejects who were never going anywhere.

Komova- the flight on transitions makes me feel so much less terrible about being okay with Beth Tweddle losing bar titles. I know we are *supposed* to root for Beth, who hit every branch when she fell out of that particular tree, but Komova is just so lovely. If not for Vika, only three or four gay nerds would even remember Vera Kolesnikova.

"Dawes is kidding herself if she really thinks Gabby looked up to her. Gabby was barely born honey. She was looking up to the 2004 team...I can't handle Aly's feet. Boy were you wrong about the judges coming to their senses. Gorgeous Khorkina, knees together on Komova's double double...what more could you want?!- Random thoughts by Gaysian Attorney

"Komova beats Nastia in terms of hair, but nothing else. Nastia cannot help that extensions do not make for good uneven bars hair."-Margaret Thatcher

"Child, Gabby is kicking some serious KGB Russian ass. Aly Raisman reminds me Golda Meir. I imagine her leading the Israeli troops to war to defeat the enemies of peace with her Butch Jewish Fabulousness."-Margaret Thatcher

Average Chinese bar routine for Deng-a-ling. I love that Elfi is so clueless that she cannot differentiate among Asians and doesn't realize that beam is Deng Linlin's kick ass event. Elfi has just lost it. I'm sorry, Elfi is sweet but a total Ryan Lochte upstairs.

"Every show on NBC looks stupid to me now. That fat gymnast who isn't that fat anymore is going to be on Matthew Perry's show."-Bitchy Sister

"The Chinese are all looking a bit Caroline Zhang."-Uschi Keszler

"Deng Linlin is 20 in Chinese roster years."-Margaret Thatcher

Aliya is just known as 'weird eyes' to Mommy Dearest. My mom cares so little she is talking about Carly Patterson having fake eyelashes 'on the top and the bottom' on the Today show. It shows her level of interest.

Bitchy sister is so out of it that she asked me if Michael Jackson's kids are really his biologically. I am not dealing with scholars tonight.

Gabby is looking fabulous on bars. Mommy Dearest is getting all patriotic on us and showing us how good she is at her gymnastics knowledge thanks to Savannah Guthrie and says, "she is the best on the bars...I mean, she's the Flying Squirrel."

"I knew Mary Lou Retton was short, but I didn't know she was 4'9"...that's just not right."-Mommy Dearest
"That's why they all have tiny voices."-Bitchy Sister

Pat Lipinski can't remember who the actual 2000 Olympic AA Champion is in group text...
"Technically it is Simona Amanar, even though she only finished 3rd or 4th. Everyone was disqualified for drug abuse or hormonal imbalances."-Margaret Thatcher

The bars judging was a bit suspect...Komova has been about a 15.8/15.9 regardless, Mustafina and Douglas go up and down depending on which judge has their monthly.

I am so glad we will have more Olympic Champions from the US so we can forget about Carly Patterson's existence by Rio.

"OMG NADIA in HD is not cute."-WestPalmBitch

Elfi is letting us know that Komova is artistic...as though we don't have eyes. I love how she has seventeen back up connection possibility because she has likely never hit all four skills connected. Wobble on the arabian and punch front. If it was any other night, she'd say 'fuck it' for the rest of the routine. It is so incredibly bad ass that Komova and her dying leg upgraded everything for the Olympics. I would NOT want NBC zooming in on my skater feet.

"Actually, Nadia has held up well. She was the surrogate for Bart and Paul Ziert's love child."-Margaret Thatcher

Mustafina on beam. Tim is pretending like Wieber is still relevant. Elfi says Mustafina is losing focus. Frankly, her knee never looks remotely stable on beam...even in training. This bitch has serious will power. Mustafina on beam...why does she only hit WITH the fugly dismount?! She gets rid of the fug and also ditches the ice water in her veins. I live for her not giving a shit after the fall. I live for her not wanting to be consoled. Nothing is more irritating than someone trying to be positive when you're livid with yourself. Alexandrov clearly spent too much time in America.

Mustafina did not shove Alexandrov. NBC could not even dream of that happening. If it did, they would be reshowing it twelve times and just letting us know the final result.

Gabby's beam routine is a miracle. I don't know what Chow did to her, but we are praying to whatever God he believes in. Gabby was a hot disaster and is now a rock in the Olympic Games. Martha has made a man out of her. The switch ring is NOT cute from certain angles, but that is crazy. Gabby Douglas is hitting everything. She was one of the hottest messes ever seen at US Nationals a year ago and she is now about the win the Olympics. Gabby hit beam three times in a row in the Olympic Games. We have truly seen it all.

Raisman needs to learn how to stand like a lady on the podium. Aly4fourgolds has been jinxed by everyone calling her a rock. That girl does not miss. Elfi can't even put her pen down anymore...as though she is really sitting there doing mathematical equations for our viewing benefit.

Does Mr. Raisman change his Ralph Lauren polo? That thing must smell by now from all of his moving around and hair gel.

Jordyn Wieber looks bored...at least she knows how we felt watching her gymnastics for years.

"Watching gymnastics at the bar is pretty funny. There is a large debate about Gabby's age - 11 or 12."- Uschi Keszler

We are about to be done with Ryan Lochte.  Thank you, Jesus.

I agree with Mommy Dearest, these Olympics are exhausting now that I'm an old whore. I'm ready for bed. I'm too tired to pretend I don't know who wins.

Are we going to miss Debbie Phelps?  I don't know if it is the exhaustion, but she just doesn't do it for me like Lynn Raisman.

More gymnastics...and then time for bed. I'm done with this.

Why is Al narrating Gabby's voice like a five-year-old?  What does it take for NBC to fire these people?! Why don't they just let Matt Lauer host this too and clean house?

Why the fuck am I feeling sorry for Raisman?!  Is it the exhaustion? Is skating making me menopausal?  I cannot.

What the hell is Deng Linlin's opening choreography? I thought she was juvenile in Beijing, but I didn't realize she came to school on the short bus? I live for her spazzing about like she has to meet with the school occupational therapist and then does a token Adi Pop moment of flash. Maybe if she see her in Rio she'll look nine-and-a-half? Once again, best for last...Elfi doesn't care enough to remember her beam routine.

I love that Tim always brings up the Vaganova ballet training during Mustafina's most Nabieva-moments of fugliness. What the fuck is this music?! Seriously. It isn't even in tune. It sounds like an eighty-year-old Soprano at church who was only ever a character actress. If you're going to do a double tuck...stick it.

"Did Mustafina learn how to twist from watching Vanessa Atler at 2000 Olympic Trials?"-Margaret Thatcher

Elfi is telling Gabby to breathe. This exemplifies the level of coaching prowess in Canada.

Gabby's hideous floor music is beginning to grow on me...I've heard it so many times. I even know all of the terrible moves. I hope Gabby teaches us to all of it on every morning show when we're all done eating up just how rich and famous she is about to become. Mary Lou Mania wasn't even a suitable warm up act. Give me a shot of Dawes crying...do it NBC!

Gabby is seriously adorable and deserved her win. It didn't even look difficult for her.

There is some level of Oprah magic that kept Gabby in bounds on that second pass.

"I miss the days where we had compulsories to keep people like Eileen Diaz from making the top 20."-Tarasova's Mink on Aly Raisman

Am I getting nostalgic for Aly's floor routine? There may one day be a day when these floor routines are viewed as some sort of high art. I live for the Americans who have watched gymnastics for five minutes and bitch that Aly, Jordyn and Carly aren't viewed as being artistic.

I don't like living in a world where Aly plays it safe on floor. I don't like living in a world where I'm rooting for this girl...I have lost my homosexual mind. It must be a result of seeing so many people line up for fried chicken.

I love the Mustafina grin at winning the tie break.

Who even knew Komova could still tumble?! I told everyone it was over once Gabby didn't implode on beam. Frankly, it was one of those days where you knew it was over after vault. Gabby has had the magic all week. That said, Komova has never been more fabulous. You will see Vika and Aliya battle it out in the all around again and let's hope they certainly as fuck have better floor routines.

I love a bitch who gives it everything she has and winds up bawling from the emotion and release of it all. NBC will call them divas, but Aliya and Vika both did say Gabby deserved to win. That said, it is certainly more fun this way.

Thrilled for Gabby, yet devastated for Vika.

Gabby's mother is made of total win. That's you!!!!!!!!!

Aly really comes away from the Olympics looking like the greatest sportswoman ever. Vika is too devastated to function...and it is impossible not to feel for someone who gave it their all, yet it is equally impossible not to be thrilled for Gabby and someone who rose to the top in a sport (and on a team) comprised of rich ass bitches.

I have lost the will to be entertaining, I blame NBC for the awful coverage. It shouldn't talk this long to show all of five gymnasts.