Saturday, July 24, 2010

Cover Girl Classic Seniors




The coverage starts in less than an hour on Universal Sports.


I'll be doing my own live commentary like during last year's Nationals.



Tonight is a night of honesty. These are seniors vying for World and Olympic Teams. No being fake nice.

Sac is back. Always nice to have at least one non-virgin on the team.

Tim and Tasha. Groan.

They're saying Sloan didn't do much in training. Don't be too worried. Peszek tells everyone how lazy Sloan is.

Is Whitcomb related to Meryl Davis?

The low budget commercials on Universal Sports are unreal. I expect commercials for personal injury lawyers.

First shots of Alicia's trashy tattoo and of Alicia bawling in Beijing. Love the bitch face.

Loving ASac's makeup. Alicia still looks pissed having to talk about Beijing. Every single one of her numerous blinks is a 'fuck you' to the interviewer.

Tasha pretends to be deep when commentating. I miss Elfi.

Rotation 1

Va Zam looks giddy. Hopefully she'll do well so we get some stoner voice out of her. Miss Val is on the podium and loving it. Zam's coaching...clearly all Val's doing. Such a technician.

They're so full of shit when they call Zam the most talented Bruin ever. Dantzscher anyone?

A layout pod is still unconventional Tim? It has only been done for a decade.

Phenomenal-ly Tasha. Modify your verbs.

Did Zam forget how to land her vault? 14.500

Macko Caquatto- Already has the body of a collegiate gymnast. Low jaegar. Good bar set, but hardly something to get overly excited about. 15.05 (Beyond Overscore)

The dark ASac- Her shoulders look scarier than before. Love her relationship with Mihai. Cue bitch face. Girl looks pissed and ready to go. Stuck mount. Tasha-esque leap. Of course she is nervous. Still misses her connections-just like before. Such a leap combo (eye roll.) Expect this to get a generous score. 14.900 She'll make Nationals without any funny business. (5.9/8.9)
*Score was raised from 14.8 to 14.9.

Tasha's new word is 'outstanding!'

Hug to Raisman. You know some of those CGA girls have never met a Jew before.

Kytra Hunter- Tim is being hyperbolic already. Tribal music. Beastly full in double layout. Double front pike. This choreography makes me ill. Back 1 1/2+Front Layout Full (stuck.) Ha! ''Triple turn.'' Double Arabian. (Stuck) They don't even show us Kelli Hill! 14.650.

Aly Raisman- Ms. Flat Foot. Balance check on back tuck. 'Tim mentions victories....followed by 2nd and 2nd...Um....that doesn't equal victory..." Low double arabian dismount. Not in peak form. I want an extra five beam sets a day before Nationals. 14.300

Cassie Whitcomb is looking more Alienish with the awful bow. Ugh her arm choreography. Same full in with the same form as always. Back 2 1/2+Front Layout Full. That choreo out of the triple turn totally looked like a possible cover up. Nastia's 3rd pass. Little short. Double tuck. Meh. At least do a double pike. MLT is happy. There's my girl! 14.350

I don't like this cheering for other National Team Members. I preferred

Bridget Sloan- "You know what. I push back." We just got a glimpse of her personality. Time for USAG to make sure that is gotten rid of. "I just want to hit my routines..."

Mattie Larson- There is still time for her to get injured before Nationals and Worlds. Little check on mount. MLT wouldn't like her wolf jump. Keep dreaming about Olympic Gold. Ha! 'Switch Ring.' Y Turn. Her beam is somewhat more confident than before. 2 1/2 twist (fall.) 13.450.

Tasha is now giving twisting corrections. Lord have mercy!

Sam Shapiro-She has discovered makeup and waxing in her time off. Hesitant. Bad switch ring. (No ring) Nice leaps. Over time. Double Pike. Big step back. 14.550.

Jetter got a 14.150 on floor. (not shown)

Macko is leading...note that everyone good scratched the first event.

Tasha's eyebrows are still a mess, but her shaping used to be better. There you go Tasha---don't buy into this Sponsor Name taking over the title over the meet (instead of Cover Girl US Classic. Cover Girl Classic/VISA Championships my ass. "Those Olympics blew ass. Bela was the devil." Can't remember Elise's name. There needs to be a shout out to Beckerman and Morgan White (and Atler for bombing Trials.)

Rotation 2

Judges have higher expectations for Macko Caquatto...riiight.

Has MLT been working out a bit?

Amanda Jetter- Won't wow you anywhere---ouch. Okay DTY. Who is MLT doing on the National Team Staff? Lexie did an Amanar early today. MLT didn't teach her that. 14.550

MLT calls Kayla a giant! You know she didn't actually want to add mental in there.

Briley Casanova- Has had weight issues all year. Sluggish already. Missed hs in giant full. Bad front giant. Releases not great. Low bail. Slow-Low fall on full out dismount. That was the sound of a career ending. 12.350

Kytra Hunter- DTY. Nearly stuck. Where is Kelli? 14.800

Aly Raisman- She is worth more than being known as 'Alicia's teammate.' Learn some sass, girl! Much better piked double arabian than in practice. Double Arabian+jump. I didn't know the Americans actually went for that bonus. Even Tim is saying her presentation sucks. Short triple full...what the hell? Stuck double pike. Ho hum. She looks tentative. Weird after all of her experience. 14.200

Rebecca Bross- Nice hair. Those bars are her bitch. Stuck full out. Tim talked about Nastia doing her pak salto so well (Not in 2008.) Tasha compared her technique to Nastia's. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! 15.450.

There Tim goes using phenomenal again. Such hyperbole.

Mattie Larson- We get it Tim. You like Mattie. Banging double layout! Triple Full-locked leg landing. Didn't absorb. Cheated jump. 2 1/2+Front Layout (Upgrade please.) Diva walk worked into this routine! Double Pike. Out of bounds. Where is Al Trautwig to bitch about her out of bounds? Love the attitude she is giving Artur. 14.600 (Tim still bitching about OOB)

Sam Shapiro- Double Arabian. Almost OOB. Tim would've hated that. 1 1/2+Front Full. Hung on to stuck landing. This is one fucked up remix of Tosca. Double Turn. Double Tuck. Switch 3/4. Double Pike. Almost OOB and a little low. Tim is happy. Look at Tim loving dance now. Anyone remember his 'he can jump' festish? 14.250

Macko Caquatto- Side somi. Wobble on aerial. Wobble on series. Both unnecessary. Wobble on L turn. So mentally tough. You know Rhonda won't have her do AA. Not after this year's Super Six. Fall on a switch 1/2. Yeah...someone we should really take to Worlds. If this was 2004, we'd never be watching her on TV. Missed foot on dismount. Scary landing. Wu Jiani is supposed to be tough. She is not pleased. (She liked Bridgey much better than Macko as is.) 12.950

Kaitlyn Clark- She must qualify, AKA she sucks and Martha doesn't give a shit about her. I hate this floor music. She looks headed to Bama. Double Arabian. 1 1/2+Front Layout. Why do we know about this stumpy mess? Unfortunate switch ring. Her name is thrown around far too often online. Love that her gym's name is 'Precision.' Double Tuck. Beastly Double Pike.

Sophia Lee got a 14.500 on bars, but we had to watch Briley. Va Zam went 14.550. I want to see her execution score because she can't have much of a D score.


Brady Quinn- Much hotter than A Sac's last boyfriend.

Loving the John McEnroe neutering commercial.

No Tim, Alicia's thigh rubbing defines her. She is World Champ on floor...not on vault.

Ugh, they're showing us Wieber. Best AAer in the world. Many people have low standards and have never heard of Komova or Grishina. Many people are too pedestrian to function.

Wieber would be 19 in China.

There is nothing charismatic about Jordyn Wieber.

Rotation 3

Rebecca Bross- Bitch face on. Second and last look (if only). Almost fell on Humphrey turn. Effing hate that skill. Stuck arabian. Aerial+BHS+Loso. Nice sheep jump. One of the few that doesn't make me want to take my own life. New switch ring...not completely heinous. Stop talking about Carly and Nastia every freakin routine. Round off+ Double Arabian (Fall) Get a new dismount! 14.050

Bridget Sloan- She's doing bars and beam tonight. Keep milking that ankle. Routine shorter, start value higher, and E score should be higher because less skills to fuck up. Pause in handstand and struggle. Rhythm break. Big step forward on double layout. "That was no good, Domi. That was no good." 14.600 GIFT!


Aly Raisman- Amanar-looked like she could've hurt her knee. She is not doing well today at all. Under twisting. Lucky she didn't get hurt. She did so well internationally. Why is she imploding now? 13.300

Kytra Hunter- Martha doesn't want her to train bars. Ouch. (Smart) Stop doing bars. Huge fall on a Hindorff. It was miles away from the bar. Just like Raisman, she is blowing an easy win today. Low full out. Martha not pleased. 11.200

This lady, she doesn't forget anything. Martha holds grudges. She certainly won't forget an 11.200.

Mattie Larson- DTY- less craptacular than before. 14.700

Cassie Whitcomb- She could win today. Then again, she hasn't done beam. Martha talking up her bars. Gracias, a dios! Lovely new release. Geinger close and a tad whippy. Shuffle on dismount. MLT likes those flat hips. AKA no hips. 14.800

Sam Shapiro hurt on vault - there's a shock. Poor Sammy :( 13.200

Sam is standing and walking. Knee looks swollen already.

Last shot before commercial was Sam being carried away.

Alicia Sacramone- Doing two vaults. Trying to drive home the point that she belongs on the World Team. Given today's meet...she should be team captain. HUGE handspring layout rudi. Unreal. Better stretch than two years ago. No piking. Brings up being robbed on vault in Beijing. FTY. She's done the DTY at camp. Gorgeous FTY. 15.800 on Vault- Easily makes Nationals.

Tim needs to stop pretending to watch football.

I hear Miss Val's laugh.

Va Zam- Hell, Zam could win if she hits her next two events. Actual choreography. Onodi. Slight wobble. Aerial. BHS+2FT layout+fall into beam. Allison Taylor needs to start working her butt off in case Zam gets hurt this summer. 2 1/2 twist. I'd say that I'm jinxing everyone, but this meet is always a hot mess. 12.650

Who does Val's botox? I need to go to that doctor.


Rotation 4

Hyperextended knee for Shapiro. Still has time to blow it out before Nationals.

Sloan is so iffy for 2012. She is doing her weaker events today.

Alicia in the booth. Probably the highlight of the meet "I didn't vomit anywhere out of nerves."

"I'm like a fine wine. I get better with age."

CGA is 1-2. They've likely won more US and American Classics than any other gym.

"My mini me is up!"

"Bars is both of our favorite event. Mihai loves coaching us on it."

Fire Tasha and just keep Alicia in the booth. We've found a commentator.

Someone just left a comment that Tasha's eyebrows make her look tranny. I'm questioning whether they've ever seen her elite floor routine.

Aly Raisman- Jaegar. Toe full+Tkatchev. Dantzscher-esque low to high transition. Double front-small hop.
"Is that hug from Mihai comforting?"- Tim
"Sometimes you don't get that hug and then you know you're in trouble." - Alicia

Cassie Whitcomb- She's got Meryl Davis eyes... Can she actually hit a beam routine? Hits early skills. L Turn. Aerial. Back pike (wobble) Still on the beam. Bhs+LOSO. Miraculous. Missed leap connection. Looks ready to shit her leotard. Falls on an aerial cartwheel. Slow and all she needed to hit. MLT needs to be seething! Short 2 1/2 twist (reminiscent of CGA triple full beam dismounts. "How many times Alyssa?" 12.550 Macko Caquatto actually takes the lead.

Mattie Larson- WTF is Tim on with Artur's patience. Atler said he barely pushed her at all before '99 Worlds and girl needed some pushing! For those who don't remember, '99 Worlds was one spectacular performance by Vanessa. Could make the UCLA bar lineup. Out of HS on giant full. Double Layout. Almost CGAish. Tim orgasms over it. Technically, Mattie IS legal. We can't report him to authorities. 14.400 Mattie takes the lead.


This competition is such a nail biter. You never know when someone is going to kill themselves.

Va Zam- Double Layout- best she's ever done it. Actual floor choreography. Comforte didn't choreograph the routine. It's recycled, you nitwit. Here goes her twisting... Rudi with iffy legs. Double L turn. Val must be drilling her dance for her big TV moment. 2 1/2 twist. 13.400.

"Hi Mom, Hi Dad. Oh, you're right there!"

Alicia calls her a gem!

Amanda Jetter- Needs a 14.050. Luckily, she is slightly more consistent on beam than Whitcomb. Back Full. Stuck. Oh My L Turn. AHAHAHAHAHAH. Side somi. Arabian (funky by stuck) BHS+Back Pike. Popa...What is with her leaps?! Grabs the beam. Punch front. More basics! MLT will go insane! Arabian double front. Step. Possibly over time. Why is she smiling? MLT is proud of her. 13.700

"That popa is out! Switch leap+sissone? We need to take some of this garbage out." Um, the L turn, Mary Lee?!

Jetter should do the back full+back tuck.

Mattie wins. 57.150 Will they show Sloan online? I'm a loser and have both up.

Lots of shots of athletes. No Sloan on beam. Meet appears over. If only we could hear what MLT is saying to Jetter and Whitcomb.

I haven't had this much fun watching a gymnastics meet in a while. Messes ARE fun.

Sloan gets a 14.700 on beam and they don't even show it.

I don't know which was better: Alicia's commentary or MLT talking to Jetter? Close call.

40 comments:

  1. Whitcomb ought to get a deduction for having NO choreography whatsoever.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mackenzie Q looks like Alicia Sacramone and Shawn Johnson got together and reproduced.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Tasha compared her technique to Nastia's. Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
    for real!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Someone please shut Tim up. The more he talks, the more of an idiot he proves himself to be. Please just make it stop!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Tim's man boobs. GROSS! And Tasha's eyebrows make her face look kinda tranny...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tasha is so creepy. Alicia is a breath of fresh air.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Loving the commentary, AJ!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Listen, I think you must mention Tasha's weave.

    ReplyDelete
  9. What happened to Sloan's beam??

    ReplyDelete
  10. I believe Tasha just flat irons her hair. It got seriously frizzy some days in Beijing given the humidity.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ASac commentating is amazing! "Sometimes you dont get that hug"
    I want her to compete and commentate!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well, Bridget's beam must've been at least OK...14.700.

    ReplyDelete
  13. But it is nonetheless so, so awful, the hair.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hated Va Zams routine. Hated the choreography.

    ReplyDelete
  15. "Sac is back. Always nice to have at least one non-virgin on the team." OMG. TOO FUNNY.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This was so fun! Mary Lee was priceless...but seriously was ASac right? Jet totally looked like she pulled a hamstring. Her leaps were tiny it didnt look just like flooks it looked like she was favoring it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Love the commentary. Tasha also mispronounced the word compete, which was bizarre, not like she hasn't said or heard it before.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Was Terin Humphrey watching with Marta???

    ReplyDelete
  19. Jetter's L Turn always blows. I'm not convinced it is a hamstring issue.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ur a complete azzhole..and I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  21. The junior session was 4x better. Can I write up my impressions since I attended and post them on here? lol

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'd give Weiber a pass on being charismatic until she is 17 or 18. The way they pack the stuff into these routines, I figure it takes an extra five or six years to develop a personality once you have the skills down.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Her personality off the competition floor is even worse. She is positively dreadful in interviews. She has the charisma of Kristal Uzelac.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Please do reply with your impressions of the juniors.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Zam's E score on bars was 9.25, 5.3 D

    I'm actually looking forward to nationals. Hopefully everyone's peaked and ready to go. I don't expect Mattie to challenge for the title. I'd love to be wrong, though.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hahaha! Alicia compete and commentate? I can just see her nailing a vault then running back into the booth to comment on it. MLT might actually be a human being, after all. Tasha made REALLY awkward eye contact with the camera while interviewing Alicia. And just to annoy a certain someone... CLARK CLARK CLARK CLARK. The girl stuck the fuck out of that double arabian.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I can't care much about the Juniors just because most of them will go to NCAA so fast we'll barely see them as Seniors. Sad truth.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Um, some of the juniors are eligible for the Olympics and others will have careers well into the next quad.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Great commentary, although I think everyone is being a little harsh on the gurls for this competition. It's not Nationals. Didn't Olivia Courtney win last year? I'll take Mattie...

    My favorite quotes from commentary:

    "You know some of those CGA girls have never met a Jew before."

    "She looks headed to Bama."

    "Wieber would be 19 in China."

    Did it bother anyone else that Raisman's feet were completely flexed during her stalders on bars?

    I thought Terin looked fab. And she's a cop! Terin needs to teach Whitcomb how to apply black eyeliner appropriately. Preferably with glitter eye shadow...

    Couldn't help but chuckle hearing Darude in the background. "Sandstorm" was *the* gay dance hit of the early Zeroes.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Why didn't Kayla Williams compete a couple events? I wanted to see what MLT has done with her.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Kayla hurt her foot jumping rope for hours on end at CGA.

    ReplyDelete
  32. My feelings about the Juniors: Lots of them have incredibly stupid names. Mykayla? Braie? Ericha? What kind of crack are the parents smoking? Or should that be smoching?

    As for actual opinions, I'm only looking at the scores and if Weiber can stay that consistent as a senior, they'd be idiots not to put her on the team--personality void or no personality void. The fact that she placed first in bars and vault shows that she has some range. As for the rest of the Juniors, let's see them stay healthy and show up for Olympic Trials then we'll talk. No more of stupid NBC anointing an "it girl" and then watching her flame out.

    Also, Bridget Sloane needs a new hair color. That wishy-washy blondish-brown color does absolutely nothing for her. And the white top of her leotard made Rebecca Bross look an advert for typhoid.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I laughed when MLT told Jetter she "looked like an idiot" on her Popa, and then told her they were going to take the "garbage" out of her beam routine. Pleasant! Oddly enough, the CGA senior girls seemed to have a good relationship with MLT. You can tell they are close with her.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh, and "Pump Up the Jam" also played in the arena. I couldn't believe it. I was just thinking about that song last week and how silly it was. And they're playing it at a 2010 high end gymnastics meet?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Alicia Sacramone is so ovvvvver skored on beam. Do they really want her on another team where she can tank?

    I have no patience for US scoring. It amkes no sense to take a one event gymnast to worlds

    ReplyDelete
  36. The ground Alicia makes up for the US Team on her vault alone makes her worth taking.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Who knew Alicia could be so pretty. She looks quite ravishing with that eyeshadow and her hair actually pretty.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Macko had an amazing bar set and a great vault. Thinking she could be a possibility for Worlds. Slowly but surely this kid keeps improving. Hope she can get it altogether for Nationals. Home crowd was crazy for her, the energy in the arena when she was competing was so amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I finally got to see the broadcast and I was most amused by Vanessa's complete disbelief that she was being filmed on floor and then going "hi mom, hi dad....oh you're right there" (pointing to the crowd) She kills me. What a delightful dorky person.

    ReplyDelete