Friday, August 19, 2011

Nationals: A Shit Fest



Last night, a bunch of underwhelming gymnasts and a few returning veterans took part in the Liukin family's annual game of 'I'm Better Than You...'  While Rebecca Bross failed the WOGA name, it is important to note that Katelyn Ohashi used up all of the fabulousness in the universe earlier in the day.  Lexie Priessman also outdid herself by performing a floor routine to the Zumba soundtrack.  God has to give us Brestyan's on bars after something like that.



Last night, Jordyn Wieber dominated the field by hitting two events, wobbling through beam and muscling a bar routine for dear life.  Just dealing with the pressure and pulling out eight events should do wonders for Jordyn's confidence.  After this meet, we need to send her away and teach her how to have a semblance of swing on bars.

Chellsie Memmel kicked ass last night and may have earned her first-ever national title on balance beam with her effort on night one.  Kudos to Memmel for getting in shape and being one of the only non-pieces-of-shit on television.  One of these days, she will perform 'the Memmel' cleanly on floor.  One day.  (And Alicia will stay in bounds...)

McKayla Maroney was robbed of a vault title last night according to everyone in the arena, but Universal Sports didn't show it.  They preferred to show her falling everywhere else.  A five-second vault replay would've been too much for them.  It is time for McKayla to change her final pass on floor so she can have the consistency that won't put her in the same life boat as Gabby Douglas.

For those of you who missed Gabby's performance, a career ended last night.  Gabby is physically able to do all of her skills, yet she fell four times and botched her bar dismount.  It is important to note that Gabby originally looked at WOGA but didn't obtain a clearance from her former coaches to transfer.  God likely spared her, as Valeri would not have tolerated that balance beam effort.

Shawn Johnson looks to be getting into gear.  It is troubling that she is actually in the mix, as she is not yet in top form.  The rest of the team is just that poor and Shawn is rediscovering her inner competitor. Anna Li is making a serious case for herself and may be a real beam dismount away from being in contention for the world team.

It is amazing how the girls from Brestyan's lack self-awareness.  Alicia continues to perform a 2 1/2+Front Layout after eight years of life experience telling her that it isn't a great life decision.  Ms. Sacramone continues to overpower her Double Arabian in competition despite kidding herself that she will one day connect a leap to it.  Overall, Alicia lacked sharpness last night.  The 2010 Alicia may be the max of her physical and mental abilities.  It isn't like she is ever going to start sticking on vault and getting any sort of variety into her beam routine.  Alicia's best bet is to encourage Maroney to continue dismounting floor with a Double Arabian.

Rebecca Bross' year of burnout continues.  Night two will be critical, as she is circling Kristie Phillips territory at rapid speed.  Every time Bross fell or wobbled, Martha Karolyi stared at Nastia and began to realize that half a pound of fat was missing from her face.  The 'same ol shit' floor routine was hit but unfathomably disgusting.  It may not be meant to be.  Suddenly, the Olympics aren't such a sure bet...

Bridgey and Macko define the Alyssa Beckerman 'no-go-zone bubble' that NBC used to refer to.

Best Friends Forever!

Following the competition, we were gifted with a level of authenticity not seen since Regina George asked us where we bought our skirt.

A few highlights:

(Unspoken dialogue...reminiscent of The Wonder Years)

Nastia: So when are we going to see your floor routine?  I love it so much.  I really want to see you do a double double right now...
Shawn: Oh, in my heart, I dream of doing it at Worlds.  I'll do it after I win Dancing With The Stars again...
Nastia:  I really look forward to seeing it.  How are those silver tears tasting these days?
Shawn: I'd really like to thank Nike for their support and the crowd.  People think I won.
Nastia: Everyone really enjoyed seeing you out there again, especially me.  I have shoes worth more than Nike is paying you...


Jordyn Wieber had an in depth discussion with Nastia, who did her best to not point out that Jordyn made the eternal mistake of wearing gold.  Ask Shawn Johnson about her Beijing hair ribbon.

Chellsie Memmel also showed off her stickers from her father to the hosts of Around The Gym.

Nastia: So, I see you got two stickers for bars!  Way to go!  I think I got stickers in level 4...when my mother was stretching my feet to make sure they never looked like yours.


It isn't just that gymnastics is corny, shitty or poorly produced.  David Michaels now inflicts John R. on all of us.  No matter how much we would all wish to forget his , "it's not over til I say it's over," we now have to endure his pretend career as a commentator.

John R's Quote of the Night:

John: So Carly, what are you up to?  Are you still signing?
Carly:  I'm doing so many things, but I'm focusing on school where I'm majoring in Communications and Journalism.
John: So Carly, what is your major?
Carly: I'm majoring in Communications and Journalism.

Sadly, John wasn't being ironic or a bitch in disbelief when having an intellectual discussion with the second eliminee from Celebrity Duets.




28 comments:

  1. Your posts warm my cold, black heart. Last night was made infinitely more tolerable by the couple of stiff drinks I consumed. I had difficulty determining whether John Roethlisberger or Nastia was more awkward - I'm pretty sure John addressed Jordyn as "Aly" in her interview (ouch).

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  2. Chellsie has not won a National title. National titles for individual events are like AA: the gymnast with the best total score over two days of competition is your winner.

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  3. LOVED this! But wow that was rough, and not particularly exciting.

    Nastia's level of fitness is so confusing to me. Every other picture I see of her I change my mind on the validity of her "get back in shape and then decide" pr response. But I appreciate your continued faith, it makes me feel like less of a gullible delusional idiot for secretly being all NASTIA 2012 YESSSSS!!! every time she fucks with us.

    I was in attendance last night, and watching her and Martha watch the splat fest was like 2 shows in one.

    Hopefully tomorrow someone not named Chellsie Memmel will compete like it's Nationals the year before the Olympics...

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  4. Shit fest is exactly the word I used to describe Day 1. Beyond disappointing. Scary to think that these are the top gymnasts in the country.

    With so many Russians injured, this was supposed to be USA's year to win team gold. Unless a minor miracle occurs, that won't be happening anytime soon.

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  5. The gymnastike interview with Valeri was priceless. He might as well have called them daft to their faces.

    Did Memmel get liposuction between Classics and this? She looks like a different person.

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  6. HILARIOUS watching Marta try to find something positive to say about the senior competition. "long pause.... uhm.... long pause.... er.... we talked about not wanting to peak too early."

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  7. you forgot the part where the only interesting thing john r. could ask nastia and carly was if they cook together and how carly's hairless cat is doing. umm, wtf?

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  8. SHIT-fest it was. Fer sure. My heart froze at your mention that Rebecca Bross was treading dangerously in Kristie Phillips territory-because all this time that's what my hearts been telling me all along but I've been ignoring it. Rebecca needs to get her shit together FAST. It's now or never. Chellsie was awesome but I still don't like her gymnastics-she still won't point her toes more often than not, and I her hand gestures on beam and floor-Yuck. I prefer a more elegant line such as junior phenom Katelyn Ohashi who gives me hope for future days if the U.S. phux up at Worlds 2011 and/or the Olympics 2012. I can't stand the thought of Jordyn Wiever as a World or worse Olympic AA Champ. Sorry I just can't. I want an ARTISTIC gymnast up there on the top of the podium.

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  9. I seriously died, got revived, and then died again while reading this AJ!! You kill me and warm my cold heart all at the same time.

    While I do have a soft spot for SJ you're right. She's nowhere near top form and she's right up there with 'em. Chellsie Memmel continues to be Chellsie "fucking" Memmel. Nice connection on beam to... I'm looking at you Alicia.

    Alicia... Alicia... Alicia. Get it together. At least we stayed inbounds on more time than at Classics. I love you don't disappoint me please. AJ is right. Go back to the drawing board with that 2 1/2+front layout. It's not working for you. Thought part of me halfway wished you did a backward extension roll out of it. There's gotta be some connection bonus for that right? Aly. See you in Tokyo... ugh. MAZEL! Cute moment at the end of the meet though.

    Jordyn I do not enjoy you at all. I try to, honestly, I try to like you but for some reason it doesn't translate for me. Thought you may have a tenth more personality than Bross. Also, that leo... Keep the Sunshine Care Bear leo at home next time please.

    Bross... you had won me over after last years worlds. Now I feel like we may very well be on the verge of Atler 2.0. Didn't Atler hurt her ankle and just never recovered from it? (Yes, I know there was her bars issue as well.) Please pull the HBIC somewhere from your IDGAF self and don't let Jordyn take the title that easy.

    Anna Li.. I don't get you and I don't know if I want to. Something about your bars seem so... loosey goosey. Macko loved your Ugg boot you were sporting last night on your ankle. Though, I was disappointed with the lack of gator chomp during your floor routine. Please if you go to Tokyo and they put you up for prelims do it.

    Also I couldn't help but think to same when I saw Gaby. Girl I'm sorry but that's a wrap for you I think. I wished they showed Marta after fall #3 on beam. I felt bad for her. But Marta & Nastia's faces would've been priceless. Maroney & Bridgey are about to punch their passes straight to NCAA if they continue to eff up too.

    It's gotta be a bit sad when the guys were more consistent than the girls were. Let's hope for a better day tomorrow!

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  10. Ugh... can I get a redo on that? I clearly did not proof read before posting!


    I seriously died, got revived, and then died again while reading this AJ!! You kill me and warm my cold heart all at the same time.

    While I do have a soft spot for SJ you're right. She's nowhere near top form and she's right up there with 'em. You can't deny that save on beam.

    Chellsie Memmel continues to be Chellsie "fucking" Memmel. Nice connection on beam to... I'm looking at you Alicia.

    Alicia... Alicia... Alicia. Get it together. At least she stayed inbounds on more time than at Classics. I love you. Please don't disappoint me. AJ is right. Go back to the drawing board with that 2 1/2+front layout. It's not working for you. Though part of me halfway wished you did a backward extension roll out of it. There's gotta be some connection bonus for that right?

    Aly. See you in Tokyo... ugh... MAZEL! Cute moment at the end of the meet with Mihai & Alicia though. I doubt we'll see that come trials next year.

    Jordyn I do not enjoy you at all. I try to, honestly, I try to like you but for some reason it doesn't translate for me. Thought you may have a tenth more personality than Bross. Also, that leo... Keep the Sunshine Care Bear leo at home next time please.

    Bross... you had won me over after last years Worlds. Now, I feel like we may very well be on the verge of Atler 2.0. Didn't Atler hurt her ankle and just never recovered from it? Yes, I know there was her bars issue as well & transfer to where else.. WOGA. Please pull the HBIC that Nastia must've rubbed off on you at some point while training together and somewhere in your IDGAF self start actually give one! Don't let Jordyn take the title that easy.

    Anna Li.. I don't get you and I don't know if I want to. Something about your bars seem so... loosey goosey.

    Macko loved your Ugg boot you were sporting last night on your ankle. Though, I was disappointed with the lack of gator chomp during your floor routine. Please if you go to Tokyo and they put you up for prelims, do it.

    Also I couldn't help but think to same when I saw Gaby. Girl I'm sorry but that's a wrap for you I think. I wished they showed Marta after fall #3 on beam. I felt bad for her. But Marta & Nastia's faces would've been priceless. Maroney & Bridgey are about to punch their passes straight to NCAA if they continue to eff up too.

    It's gotta be a bit sad when the guys were more consistent than the girls were. Let's hope for a better day tomorrow!

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  11. Alicia was amazing as usual on vault. I love her floor music but those uncontrolled landings :/ I am so PISSED they didn't show McKayla Maroney's vault!! People are saying she was robbed and if she landed her Amanar like she usually does then I believe it! Nastia isn't coming back but it's fun to play along. She looks so puffy faced especially next to Chellsie and Shawn. Just the same, I'd rather see her swing bars any day over what I saw the other night.

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  12. If you do a side-by-side comparison of Nastia from the American Cup til now, she has lost at least ten pounds. It would be dumb to count her out. People counted out Chellsie, Shawn and Alicia. Let's face it, Nastia is ten times as talented as all of them combined...especially on bars. Her competitive ability is also right at the top. She went from a disaster on floor and vault in November '07 to Olympic AA Champion and a FX medalist by August '08. It is definitely possible for her to be a specialist.

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  13. I don't think it's dumb at all. I think it's being realistic. But you're entitled to your opinion. Don't get me wrong-I love Nastia. Up to this year I was a believer. She was by far my favorite U.S. gymnast the last quad. But I just don't see how it's possible to come back in time for the Games without getting the numbers in-and in top condition. Nastia doesn't seem to be doing either. That being said-ANYTHING is possible. I would LOVE to be proven wrong come next year. Believe me on this.

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  14. @ansirin, J.R. DEFINITELY called jordyn 'aly' and i rewound my TiVo twice just to make sure i didnt hear him wrong.

    @anon #1, event titles are won on day 1 of nationals while AA titles combine day 1 and 2. So Chellsie is indeed the beam champ as she should be. When only 3 gymnasts hit an event (im guessing on that number, but i can't be too far off), the person who hits without a wobble should definitely take the title. Granted, ive never been Chellsie's #1 fan, but i think its only for some superficial reason like... she's not all that cute or something. She never has her face done, or anything spectacular done with her hair (you can judge me if you want, i told you it was superficial) but the sheer lack of any type of flair, her large forehead that isn't even attempted to be covered, and the God-awful accent keep me from getting excited about her, although she is a great gymnast with incredible determination.

    I guess thats what we need more of... less flair b/c the flashy gymnasts really showed their asses last night. And im not talking about the leotard wedgies.

    That being said, Jordyn Wieber has about as much personality in an interview as a naked sugar cookie made with splenda. But Dear God I love her gymnastics... Idk what it is, or what the difference is btwn her and chellsie, but I could watch her crazy looking floor routine all day whereas with CM Id fastforward through her sections of the broadcast every time after the first time Id seen it. Maybe thats what it means to be an "it" girl. People just want to watch you? I refuse to listen to anything she has to say, but dammit, on mute, youve got my attention.

    p.s. - Nastia will have MAYBE 3 competitions before the olympics if she decides to come back. Ive pretty much given up on that idea a long time ago. Its just not realistic with the crop of juniors coming up. Unless she can churn out a near 17 pt bar routine, there are just going to be too many gymnasts able to contribute on too many apparatus in 2012 for her to be a bars specialist and maybe chuck out a decent routine anywhere else. Im just confused as to why she is still playing this game. She won't be in 08 shape and even then she struggled on power events. Give it up.

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  15. I like how you pretty much completely ignored Aly in this review. I totally agree that she's very forgettable. Her bar routine made me cry. It's sad that she's one of the top US AA'ers even if everyone else hadn't effed up badly.

    Nastia isn't coming back because she realistically can't contribute anywhere but bars. Her '08 skills on the other three events don't hold up anymore and she knows that she isn't going to learn a bunch of new skills in a short time period. And on bars, she needs to actually do a dismount. She never stays home and always has a million things going on. She's going to Britain in September as part of one her many sponsorship deals. She left herself no time to train even for just bars. It aint happening.

    And because of this, Bross is all but a lock on a World/Olympic team because 90 times out of 100, she's going to swing bars better than anyone in the country right now, easily. Everyone thing else that she can do on top of that is a bonus. Frighteningly enough, on the team we're taking to Worlds, Jordyn is the second best bar worker despite the fact that she swings like shit. I don't think Bross far off from where she wants to be for Worlds, to be honest. Certainly, I couldn't give a shit if she falls on a reverse hecht and back tuck at Visas. They may need to explore a new beam dismount for her though. Marta has made every competition besides Worlds utterly meaningless, and the girls are all just trying to stay in one piece until Oct.

    You know the US is struggling in the depth department when a girl who has barely done anything in three years, Ms Memmel, does the best out of everyone in the meet and thrills everyone with her weakish d-core bars/floor and her yurchenko full.

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  16. Im friends with AJ on facebook and he definitely talks to Nastia. They went to dinner recently. Perhaps he knows something.

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  17. I think Nastia could be in the mix for Olys. I doubt for Worlds though. As a kill the commies, USA! USA! type, I want the best for our team, rather than being the anti-twink contrarian only. Hope she gets in the mix. Gotta be more wholesome than playing Paris Hilton wannabe.

    I'm a Shawn partisan, but agree with your analysis that she is in the mix because of team weekness. Glad that she steadied down and stayed on the apparatus. I think the knee will continue to be the major hurdle for her, but as long as there are no setbacks, she can work around it and possibly contribute. We are never going to see 2008 Shawn (or better) again though. She should stay away from the Amanar as it was iffy even before being hurt...and see Mustafina. I think on bars, she could get the Ray dismount back though. That thing has always been weirdly flingy but always gotten around without pike or Nastia style twisting. Just strange, but she can work up to that.

    Maroney is a single event gymnast and worth it For Worlds. 6 man team, 3 up, 4 events, you can have those. For Oly's it's more complicated and for the men, it is WAY trickier with the 6 events and the wildy different nature of PB/HB, V/F, PH, and R all having very differnt experts.

    Alicia: Her beam and maybe FX are helpful, but starting to look more like prelims bait. She is starting to look more Maroney like. Meaning I take her without question for a 6 man, but that she has issues with a 5 man. That said, if she can be rocking a 7.0 VT consistently by 12, you might still take her just for VT (and same applies to Maroney with a triple.) Both unlikely, but if it happened, you can't ignore all that bonus over a DTY.

    Weak/missing Amanars. Too much talk about Gaby (hasn't thrown it). Or Aly (barely made one, and a history of crashing). Let alone talking about "Bross can get an Amanar" (she has issues with the DTY now). Perhaps Ross could help by 12 though.

    Aly (consistent, she is going to be a FX help. Starting to look like Bross might have to go that route as well...I wonder seriously if SJ could be better on UB than RB).

    Li/MC (chance with the bars puzzle, especially if RB continues the tiredness.

    RB: Not sure if it is psychological or physical, but there needs to be some trick to getting past the recent POW look that she has and getting a little more joy and zip to carry her.

    Vega: not good show (dropping her from my alternate spot and putting in SJ

    Jordyn: she is just fine. This is practice for her.

    Memmel: Coming on nicely.

    Tokyo:

    Wieber
    Bross (I think she will gut it out)
    Raisman
    Sacramone
    Memmel
    Maroney

    alt: JOHNSON!

    VT: (RB, AR) JW, AS, MM
    UB: (AR, MM) RB, JW, CM
    BB: (AS, RB) AR, CM, JW
    FX: (CM, AS) RB, JW, AR

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  18. puleeze stop hating on Jordyn's lack of personality. It is a Gymnastic competition not Miss America. You have to be a beast to master this code.

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  19. Re: a comment in the most recent post here--I've been following gymnastics since the '70s, but haven't always been paying close attention.

    Why/why did everything become meaningless except the Olympics (and, marginally, Worlds)? Why doesn't a national title seem to mean anything anymore, except a (possible) ticket to Worlds?

    I'm asking this question really seriously... I just don't get it.

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  20. *When/Why (that was supposed to be. Oops.)

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  21. Why doesn't USSⒶ Gymnastics promote Gringos more? Om, hello, just have them take their shirts off and pose during photo shoots (there's a former elite who's now doing gay porn). They're so much more aesthetically pleasing than the butch Gringa women. Did you catch Jonathan Horton and Danell Levya play wrestling after the former was defeated by the latter? Their machismo and overzealous cumradery is so gay and hot. The hooting and hollering during routines adds to the latent homoeroticism.

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  22. @anon 754pm - IMO it's because Marta has a habit of running her gymnasts into the ground meaning they're unlikely to remain fit & healthy throught the entire time between nationals and worlds - seems to be most gymnasts have to choose to only peak once a year and they choose worlds. It just makes nationals more of a practice than a real competition.

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  23. Nastia is playacting that she is coming back to continually bring attention to the family business, WOGA, and keep her marketability..until some other WOGA athlete in the wings continues the national attention on Valeri's business. Valeri with his other attributes has great business savvy..unlike Chris Burdette and Kim Zmeskal of Texas Dreams who may be good coaches but can have some struggles on the business side of owning a gym. Good for Valeri! it is only being smart.

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  24. Agree with all of this, although Jordyn is starting to grow on me. She needs to work on her interviewing skills and artistry more, but I like that she has improved in areas of her gymnastics that needed work, like her choreo (still not great, but massive improvement since 2009), bars (still not great, but she's doing a proper toe-on now and has a 6.5 D score), and unlike Shawn, she has enough self-awareness not to be attempting switch rings or sheep jumps. Lastly, she managed to keep Aly out of first place, so props to her!

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  25. In some ways I feel like the best thing that could happen to the US women is to get their butts kicked at Worlds this year. What disturbs me most of what I saw in prelims was the lack of fight. I know there are issues with injuries and nerves, and obviously, I don't know what's going through these girls' minds, but... It just seems like these girls need motivation and maybe a good ass kicking will do it. JR was talking about Bross's terminator face, but she looked half asleep to me. Wieber didn't half to fight--she did what was adequate for her and was miles ahead of her nearest competitor. Raisman doesn't have to worry about her abysmal bars, because she can still be one of the top Americans. Why should Alicia learn to stick her vaults when no one else is sticking them? (maybe having Maroney to contend with will help here?) I know some of her stick issues are physical (those ankles have seen a lot of landings), but it bothers me that she seems so okay with the hops and steps. SJ seems to have been motivated by her poor showing at the Classic, so maybe a poor showing at worlds will wake the rest up? Possibly wishful thinking.

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  26. Asac has always been "okay with the hops and steps"- she doesn't even bother to make it LOOK like she tried to stick. Sigh... Unless she has a major upgrade, I don't see her being useful much longer.

    As for the complaints of these girls being boring and having poor interview skills, let's remember most of them are just KIDS. Seriously, they are teenagers. Even the smartest teenager can seem dumb to an adult. I felt so bad for Carly when everyone attacked her for being bad in interviews; they are children who have, most likely, been home-schooled and spent their lives in a gym.

    Until they are seasoned, and older and more mature, they will always sound like a kid being called upon by their scary math teacher! When we were 17, we probably sounded just as boring and dumb to adults. (Except me, of course. I'm sure I was utterly brilliant in those college interviews... big hair, scrunchy boots and all!)

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  27. Gabby's career died? Um no. She is a gold medalist.

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  28. the Liukin family's annual game of 'I'm Better Than You...'
    just laughed SO hard at that!!!!

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