CoverGirl Classic--Final Thoughts

It is amazing to witness just how much the sport of gymnastics has deteriorated since ridding itself of the 10.00 system.  Six years ago, many of us whined and got a tad dramatic.  The thing is, we probably should've whined a bit harder.  Routines will always be judged and scores will be subjective, but the actual product of gymnastics has turned to absolute shit.  Before, form breaks would kill you.  If you looked like Chelle Stack on beam, there were consequences.  Now, Aly Raisman is rewarded for having shitty form because she makes up for it with monster difficulty scores.

How sad is it that fellow gymnastics bloggers were lauding Alicia Sacramone's floor routine as a work of baby Jesus?! Have the standards gotten so low that a little arm waving now constitutes moving choreography?  Twelve years ago, we all bitched at how disgusted Kristen Maloney was.  The scary part is, she looks like Mostepanova compared to ninety percent of the shit currently out there.  The majority of the field looked butch and beastly, like the 1988 team from the German Democratic Republic (only without their fabulous uneven bar technique.)  Luckily, there were a few bright spots and amusing moments to keep us from offing ourselves before the train wreck at VISA Championships in a month's time.





Rebecca Bross withdrew before the meet began.  She showed upgrades on bars, but just didn't look sharp in Chicago.  Bross has been training all events for several months and has had successful trips to camp.  She is training to peak for Worlds and take advantage of injures to Mother Russia.  Unfortunately, she isn't rocking her '92 Soviet physique yet and Valeri will likely have to kick her ass into gear over the next four weeks.  It is quite possible that she may not do All Around until the selection camps, as she is unlikely able to contend with Jordyn Wieber in just under a month.  And you know Geddert has an added incentive to beat one of his numerous former pupils who had the nerve to leave the nest.



Jordyn Wieber looks to be ready to win Worlds.  They're pacing her and working on the details.  I don't particularly think much of Jordyn.  She doesn't have any flair, emotion, charisma, or even soul for the sport.  There is a very robotic nature to her and the interviews she gives could put anyone to sleep.  That said, it is her time to win VISAs. She needs to actually put all of the events together and not leave us wondering what exactly happened on beam like we did a year ago.

McKayla Maroney is rocking a Shannon Miller '92 body.  It remains to be seen if anyone from AOGC will remain in tact.  They have a girl throwing actual difficulty now.  Can her body actually handle dismounting with a double arabian?



Anna Li showed a monstrous bar routine despite peeling off on the low bar.  If she can put two bar routines together at camp, she will likely earn a trip to Worlds and chap Mrs. Caquatto's ass---who likely thought one of her daughters could fulfill that role through London.  Anna Li looks to be giving more of herself than she ever has in the past.  She brims with self confidence, which likely came after leaving the nest.  Anna was never the thinnest girl as an elite or collegiate gymnast, but her commitment to training, conditioning and the rest is readily apparently by her newly discovered Black Swan body.



Chellsie Memmel was the highlight of an otherwise dreadful night.  The thing that has made Chellsie so successful over the years is that she seemingly lacks any inkling of self-consciousness.  Chellsie has never cared about aesthetics, looking in shape, having an attractive hairstyle, nice makeup, form, grace or any sort of beauty.  The girl is a beast and she owns it.  The fact that Chellsie doesn't give a shit is the reason she is such a good competitor.  Chellsie Memmel owns who she is.  She isn't worried about being popular or ever being known as a beautiful gymnast.  We're lucky she's even wearing a little eye shadow.  She is a modern day gymnast to her core: a beast with flair.  Not only did Chells hit like a bad ass mother fucker, she had the nerve to be a gymnast seen eating on national television.  That just isn't done.  Chellsie looks great after not even going to any camps.  Of course, her gymnastics looks the same.  I certainly wouldn't go to Andy Memmel to learn any skills, but Chellsie can pretty much coach herself and just needs a second pair of eyes and the occasional reassurance.  The fruit-chicken-fruit diet seems to be working.  She is thin from the waist up and looks infinitely better than she did at the invitational she competed at this winter.  Memmel will be in peak form and on the world team unless her body betrays her yet again.  For now, it's exciting to watch her compete.  We just need to suspend our usual figure skating standards.  Chellsie earns that courtesy.  She deserves kudos for wearing one of the only attractive leotards of the entire weekend.



In order to make a successful comeback, one must not be afraid of failure.  Shawn Johnson competed like a girl who knew she looked chunky in her hideously ugly leotard.  She has shown her true level of taste yet again with her latest design.  If I didn't know that Mark Ballas choreographed her floor routine, you could've knocked me over with a feather.  I'm not going to be one of the yes-ppl who pretends that she is some amazing dancer since she spent a few days learning each of the ballroom dances.  I will say that there are elements of the 'old Shawn.'  The girl competed during the peak 14-16  years when life is easier and stars like Shawn, Zmeskal, Shannon and Nastia tend to be uber consistent.  Life gets difficult when your body changes and breaks down in your late teens.  That is when true mental toughness shows.  What Alexandrov said about Shawn Johnson's race against time in 2008 was precisely true.  She now needs to work around her new body and get creative.  She isn't a twister, but she does have power.  There will not be a place for Shawn on any teams unless she explores front tumbling and a new vault.  Her Amanar is never going to happen again.  I'd venture to say that twisting into the ground for so long weakened her knee and led to the sorry situation she's currently in.  Shawn claims that she can't run much anymore due to her knee.  She'll need to figure something out if she doesn't want to fake an injury to avoid the embarrassment of failing to make a second Olympic Games.  If Shawn can compete without a fear of failure, she'll be able to hit her routines and be somewhat successful.  Shawn competed about as well is she trained, which is tentatively and self-consciously.  Unfortunately, she will need to rely on injuries to key girls like Bross, Maroney, Ross, Raisman and Wieber to have any shot of being useful to Team USA.  Shawn is lucky that Martha and her biggest rival had a moment of weakness and decided to accept her petition to Championships.



Aly Raisman won a meet where 11 people bothered to compete all four events.  Congratulations.  Chellsie Memmel did an FTY and a watered down double full to save her body and still likely deserved to win the meet.  At least the TV Network acted like she did when they were done kissing Shawn Johnson's ass for two hours so she'd grant them an interview.  Aly Raisman has been a useful member of the National Team for the last few years.  Raisman is necessary to the team the way root canals and hernia checks at your yearly physical are beneficial (no matter how much you wish to avoid them.)  Side Note---did anyone read Blythe's podium training report where she said that Hava Nagalia suited Raisman in that it sounded very Jewish?!  I just like to make sure I'm not the only one who catches some of these things.  Aly Raisman may very well be in the midst of one of the defining times of her life.  Years from now, she's really going to wish she invested in a hair straightener, conditioner, make up and ballet lessons.  Is she flat footed AND club footed?!  Does she needs orthotics in her beam shoes? Seriously, what is going on there?!  I get that she was the least impressive kitten in her litter and has somehow come along after retirements by Petra and Steph Brown, but it looks like her coaches continue to expend as little energy as possible into make her an aesthetically pleasing gymnast.  Her bar routine makes me think she should stop spending time on a routine that is never going to even count in team prelims.  Chellsie could muster a better score with one shoulder and half a leg (what she'll likely be left with by London based on her personal injury history.)  Raisman is pure beast and risking a torn ACL every time she tries that Amanar.  It makes me wonder how long until Alicia will keep encouraging her to train it on hard surfaces.  Alicia is already beginning to realize they are likely contending for the same spot next year.

Alicia is back to competing three meets a year.  She's really going to have to bypass Classics next year if she has any hope of remaining in tact.  Her Rudi continues to improve and her beam is pretty much the same.  While everyone oohed and aaahed over her overrated floor routine, I found myself chuckling that she is even bothering to train a leap connected to her double arabian.  Sports like gymnastics take a little self-awareness.  Clearly she doesn't recall her typical landings when her adrenaline is pumping.  Then again, she always spends a lot of training beam connections that never see the light of day.  I do like how she is right where she left off on floor...almost killing herself on every 2 1/2+Front Layout after a decade of failing at the pass.  One would think Mihai would teach her something new.  Then again, if Mihai were remotely 'with it,' he'd probably have hired a bars coach by now.  Alicia is looking svelte.  Sadly, we aren't able to see her new trashy tattoo in her competition leotard.  I do miss the thigh rubbing, but the tacky nature of her neck tattoo more than makes up for that loss.

"Alicia's floor was nice.  I liked all of her out of bounds.  It was a nice change to falls."-- West Palm Bitch

Macko Caquatto looks like she is doing a little summer training this year and trying to bluff her way onto another World Team.  She just doesn't have the routines, mental fortitude or precision to have a shot in hell. The Gators never really appear to do any qualitative work on bars or beam. Her sister is coming back from injury and progressing, but really, when isn't Bridgey on the comeback trail?!

Sabrina Vega will make a wonderful alternate.

Gabby Douglas has the amplitude of Dominique Dawes, only with the addition of lovely toe point.  She is lovely and doing well now that she has coaches without reputations.  She is on the right track to be valuable to team USA.

Kyla Ross is going to be an Olympian if she keeps it up.  It may come down to Ross vs. Maroney for the same spot. Kyla knows to how to compete and that will come in handy when the pressure gets tough next year.

Lexie Preissman continues to impress with her talent and competitive abilities.  Katelyn Ohashi may be the most physically talented, but she'll need to start learning how to win before Valeri loses his shit in epic fashion.

The three GAGE juniors continue to do well.  They are allowed to stay and soak up the form for another six months before we strongly encourage them to change gyms that know how to code whore.  GAGE basics have meshed wonderfully with Valeri's daring routine composition for Ohashi.  The others need to follow suit.

As for the commentary, Universal Sports needs to allow Tara Lipinski to take a stab at gymnastics.  She'd have a field day with the competitive mindsets.

Also, how rude of Tim Dagget to only mention that Tatiana Schegolkova choreographed for the butch Elena Shoushonova and un-emotive Carly Patterson despite her brilliant work for Hollie Vise, Lindsey Vanden Eykel, Kaitlin White and Nikki Childs.  It was rude of Tim to represent the Soviet goddess in such a way.

Finally, I do not think that KJ Kindler and I will be recruiting for our team of Aryan wonders from the field at last night's CoverGirl Classic.  We are off to Colorado Aerials to find the next great bar worker with a terrible back.