Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Bachelor - Skating Style

 I don't know how this happened, but U.S. pairs skating is becoming as juicy as season two of The O.C!     First we got the back stabbing and political split of Yankowskas/Coughlin last year so that Coughlin could team up with the partnerless Caydee Denney (who are now romantically linked...before she was legal) and now Rockne Brubaker is AGAIN in search of a partner, scouting out all the prepubescent teenage girls that he can perform crotch lifts with.

However, Phil Hersh has reported via twitter that he is currently going through tryouts with the "retired" Amanda Evora. In the spring, Evora announced her retirement from competitive skating, while her former partner Mark Ladwig went on to team up with Lindsey Davis in what we all know will end up in a series of 6th place finishes at U.S. Nationals.

But, desperate times call for desperate measures. Rockne has less than 10 freakin days to sign up for the 2013 qualifying season. Rumors were flying around that Bebe Liang was going through tryouts (again, via twitter...tweeting is like the new marijuana), but realistically that would work about as well as Sasha Cohen's coaching change to Robin Wagner.






Speaking of Robin Wagner, I think we need to reiterate one more time that Sarah Hughes is going to COMPETE at the Japan Open in October. Folks, we have not been treated to television gold like this since the days of Pasha Grishuk. We will all need to plan fantastic drinking parties for this television spectacular.

Who knew I would get a rack like that?!


Anyway, back on topic. Out of all the possible girls that could work as a partner for Rockne, it seems that if Rockne can twist enough of Evora's arm (and possibly a few more benefits), she will come "out of" retirement and continue Rockne's dream of going to the Olympics (I can feel the schmaltzy fluff pieces already). Now Evora has been there and done that, but hey, maybe she sees the possibility of skating with Rockne a little more exciting than skating with a papa bear. I mean balding men in spandex isn't exactly fun to watch, so I can't imagine being lifted by one.

I need more butt cheek to hold onto...NEXT!
If this partnership comes to fruition, it would create an interesting situation come U.S. Nationals. First of all, Brubaker and Evora would have to get going ASAP on creating programs, gelling, and learning how to skate TOGETHER. Hersh mentioned the possibility of a grand prix assignment -- uh, dude it's almost September. Unfortunately, Amanda Evora's double axel is about as sideways as the tower of Pisa, so that is another issue altogether.

Another dimension to the competition would be the fact that Ladwig and Evora would be competing with different partners after Evora made a big scene about retiring. We all cried that such a positive, hard-working team was going to stop finishing 3rd at Nationals each and every year. Continuing to compete would be very Brett Favre of her. A.J. mentioned that he is sad that Rockne's shot at the Olympics would have to be with Evora after two much more promising skaters dumped him.

But alas, things change. The stock market goes down, Israel may be demolished by Iran, and Rockne Brubaker needs another pairs partner. These are typical life occurrences.





7 comments:

  1. LOL, a very accurate description of Evora's double axel. If Rockne's really offering her money or other benefits (the rumor's already out there) it shows how desperate he's become. Evora's a poor man's Keauna McLaughlin. But she's at least experienced and a good height, so I guess it's workable. Still hilarious though. It was less than three years ago that journeymen Evora/Ladwig were considered to have NO CHANCE to beat out the uber talented McLaughlin/Brubaker for a spot on the Olympic team. And Rockne's had so much bad luck since that now he's begging Evora to tryout with him. I don't think Evora's landed more than a handful of clean jumps since 2010. You can't make this stuff up! Part of the appeal of E/L was that they stayed together and worked hard together amidst all the other crazies in the sport. So much for that now!

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  2. Really? Are there no other girls out there who want to skate with him who can actually land a triple toe?

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    1. In a word no. Rockne is that short. He is 5'7. I have stood next to him numerous times. Name one height appropriate Senior Pair girl partnerless right now (and make no mistake he needs a senior pair girl unless he wants to sit a season out because there isn't enought time to test. There is only a week before the Sept. 1 deadline- he already tried out with Andrea Poapst-plus she is Canadian still). Literally she is by far the best option for Rockne to make the Olympic team. They really only need to land one of the two sbs this year at Nats to be top 2. Do you really think D/S are gonna pull together one double axel or triple sbs? C/S may be able to pull it together but everyone else out there is pretty mediocre. Z/B could be sleepers this year, but if E/B decide to go through with this i think they have a very, very good chance of being 2 in the Nation. And there is still a TBA in France for the GP and they would move straight to the top of the alternate list with their collective points. Besides M/B already had programs chroegraphed and they could in reality be tweaked for Amanda. I mean we live in a nation where Y/R and D/L got TWO Gp's and I dont think Y/R can do a solid press lift yet let alone four in a long.

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  3. THIS WAS NOT WRITTEN BY USCHI KESZLER. WHOEVER YOU ARE, IT IS EXTREMELY OBVIOUS YOU ARE IMPERSONATING SOMEONE WHO WOULD NEVER WRITE SUCH DEFAMING AND CLASSLESS INFORMATION. A FEW OF THESE SKATERS HAVE HELPED HER CANCER RESEARCH FOUNDATION, PENNIES IN ACTION, RAISE MONEY TO SAVE LIVES. SPEAKING OF SAVING...SAVE WHAT LITTLE HONOR YOU HAVE LEFT IN THE SKATING COMMUNITY AND REMOVE HER NAME IMMEDIATELY!!! THE USFSA HAS ALREADY BEEN NOTIFIED.

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