Dear Ryan Lochte, Please Stop Bitching

Lisa Weiss (and her new breasts attained for the 2006 Olympics she never was to attended) wrote in to us regarding an important article on ESPN about Ryan Lochte.  Dear Lisa is one of my favorite bitches, with a fierce stare and terrifying gaze all her own.  My favorite yoga partner enjoys reading Vogue, Vanity Fair and the NYTimes on her way to pilates, but she has had it with London's latest mediawhore, no matter how pretty he may be.

Dear Ryan Lochte, 

Please stop bitching.

Every Olympic cycle, there seems to be at least a couple pre-Olympic media darlings tumbling across our TV screens  or cursing themselves on the covers of Sports Illustrated. In 2008, it was Shawn Johnson and Michael Phelps, both of whom lived up to the hype. This year, Ryan Lochte has stolen that spotlight from the likes of Lolo Jones despite her virginal claims. Gracing the covers of everything from Vogue to Men’s Health, Lochte with his piercing blue eyes and boyish good looks, is a refreshing alternative to Phelps. As a Baltimore native, I was rather sick of the coverage on Phelps’ pancake consumption which turned out to be false after all. We were forced to read about Phelps’ caloric intake because there was simply nothing else to write about the kid. He swam and ate when he wasn’t getting caught up in DUIs, bong-gate, and Vegas strip clubs. If you asked me to tell you something about Phelps outside of the pool and outside of his run-ins with the law, I’d tell you that he eats a lot. Aside from being the greatest Olympian of all time, his pre-Olympic media coverage centered around his quest for eight gold medals and his diet.

Please stop wearing these ridiculous outfits.  You look stupid.

Now, it’s Lochte’s time. While there is slightly more to say about him than Phelps, everything I read he is complaining. In the NY Times cover article, his first quotation is, “I just want to be done… If I do really good at the Olympics,” he said, “it’s going to be 10 times worse. Balancing all that stuff out” with swimming, he added, “just drains me.” Well guess what Mr. Lochte, all athletes work out hard. No one is forcing you into these endorsement deals. You are taking them because they are paying you millions of dollars. We do not feel bad for you that you are tired. You would not have an Audi R8, a Range Rover, a Lamborghini, and 130 pairs of shoes without those endorsements. And you wonder why your house was burglarized…  Nor do we feel bad, that you cannot find a girlfriend. As he complains in his OTL feature in ESPN, "Is there a decent girl out there who doesn't lie?" he asks. "They all lie. They're all evil. I just want to meet someone who is real, who is honest. Who doesn't just want me for money or fame, who wants to love me as a person." 


Yes, Ryan, there are plenty of girls out there. You just might have to look in different places than your buddy Phelps, outside the Gainesville strip club scene, or for that matter, I would recommend looking outside the state of Florida. As your family agrees, "He doesn't know the difference between a good girl and a bad girl," Devon adds. "I'll tell him, 'Ry, this is not the kind of girl that we would bring home to Mom.” Though I am sure you will face enormous pressure in London, we do not sympathize with you for being unable to have a drink in peace in a Gainesville bar, you shouldn’t be drinking anyway and you live in Gainesville, Florida. Are you really surprised you’re recognized there? As if all this wasn’t enough, the most preposterous complaint of all, cold water. Yes, you read that correctly, our potential golden boy of London is complaining that the pool he had one practice in, was too cold. 


Ry Ry, I challenge you to feel the numbness of a couple hours in an ice rink. Then, we’ll talk over beers in Tribeca where you won’t be recognized, and I can introduce you to some nice girls who will definitely own fewer shoes than you. 
Sincerely, 
Lisa Weiss

Note: This is not the REAL Lisa Weiss, though the author does enjoy her BSB-loving husband.