Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Gayer Than Glitter

The rhinestones, the feathers, the sequins, and the illusion mesh…oh what a night of men’s figure skating.

We knew that God would retaliate after delivering a Shen and Zhao gold medal. We’ve wanted it too badly for too long and he had to pull some Sarah Hughes bullshit to make up for the fabulous coronation of Kim Yu-Na. The world wouldn’t be able to handle too much fantasticness all at once. The world would come off a high and would commit mass suicide by Tuesday like when people come off their weekend of taking Ecstasy.

It happened and I hope you mentally prepared yourself for it. I certainly resigned myself to it months ago so that it would just be humorous. I knew that between Weir and Abbott, one would be a thrill and one would implode. I’ve been predicting a medal for one and a 10th or 11th place finish for the other. It certainly looks like a possibility.

Here is how Aunt Joyce and friends called it:

Florent Amodio:
Just such potential and such fantastic performance ability. He is a keeper and was on far too early. He actually skated before Viktor Pfeiffer. The only thing noteworthy about Viktor is that my mom said that he was dressed like a girl. She started her comments with Viktor…and she knew Johnny was still to skate. I reminded her about her Johnny rant at Nationals, “He looks like a girl! Looks like one and acts like one. And I don’t even like how he did his makeup!”

There is something so intriguing about watching skating with my family, because no matter whether or not they are paying attention, they always ask what country a skater is from mid-performance. It took a good minute to explain to my dad why they were talking about Russia when Johnny was skating. He was very confused by Tom Hammond. For the record, my parents also ask what country the skaters are from during US Nationals.

Vaughan Chipeur was next and looks like a good Catholic boy from the front, but he is a total party in the back. Vaughan sticks his ass out like Michael Solonoski and has a costume explosion on his backside.

When Vaughan was skating, all I could think about was how much I wished I were watching Shawn Sawyer instead. Then Sandra brought up that Kurt Browning choreographed his footwork and that made me think about how much better Kurt would’ve been performing that program (Obviously not at an Olympics, because it’s Kurt Browning…)

NBC introduced Plushenko with another film of someone driving, because they are just so fucking creative. They have one good idea and just RUNNNNN with it. Plushenko talked about his competitors hating him. (He forgot that people with eyes do too.) He kept talking about everyone being afraid of him, but they’re really only afraid of exactly how much money the Russian mafia will funnel to the judges. Jamie Sale needs to be excused for Love Story and the IJS because her comments about Plushenko have always been A-MA-ZING.

"I don't love his skating, I don't believe him when he skates," said Sale, the 2002 pairs champion in Salt Lake City.
"I thought in Torino they (the judges) were extremely generous with Plushenko's second mark (for presentation)," she said.
"(I thought) he was just throwing his arms up in circles in the air all the time, there's nothing there.
"He wasn't doing anything quality on the ice ... but by throwing his arms around, they (judges) were like 'oh my God, he's amazing'," added Sale, who had been in the Italian city as a commentator.
"I'm like, 'no, I'm not buying it'. That's not skating. There's no edges. There's nothing to his programme.
"All he does is quad (jump), then skates around in a circle, then a triple Axel and then skated down the ice and did a triple Lutz and his programme was done.
"Was it a balanced programme? No. But they still gave him the mark for this quality and for that and I thought (the officials) were not sticking to their word here (to be fair with the revamped scoring system).
"With the second mark (for presentation) ... he was like 10 points ahead of everyone else, just to separate him so much so that no one could touch him. That was so obvious. He was not that much better."

In terms of Plushenko’s performance, he destroyed a Kwan masterpiece, shit all over the ice, flailed about, landed a S.L.O.W. quad-triple, and had Sasha Cohen landings on all of his jumps.

Even my mother said, “Doesn’t he know a mullet is not in style? His skating is really kind of…gross almost?” The pseudo transition on the axel was wonderful?

Christine Brennan is my hero for asking him if a 6.8 for transitions is too high for a man who admits to not having any. Plushenko's coach replied that he didn’t understand English.

Scott Hamilton was as eloquent as ever, with his reaction to Evgeny’s skating:
“Ughhh Arrrrghhh Uhhhhhhhh” Just as insightful as Dick Button.

Dick Button went on an epic tirade with Bob Costas that made Bela Karolyi’s outbursts appear wimpy. “There wasn’t the same extravagant thrill, the same chutzpah . Pay attention to the circular steps, the skating skills just aren’t there. He likes to slam dunk and slam fast. It isn’t gorgeous. He likes looking like an evil character. I’d certainly cast him as a (minute later of trying to explain…) evil villain.”

Evgeny did say he wanted to be a two-time Olympic Champion like Dick Button and Uncle Dick just sort of sat there with his mouth hanging open (I wanted to get a bib and wipe the drool because he resembled an adorable Gerber baby.) Then Dick started complimenting him after having his ego stroked. Dick just keeps delivering during these Olympics.

Daisuke Takahashi was shown next (Fuck NBC for chacking Denis Ten) and had his hair gel in place and was adorned in a beautiful costume designed by Liberace and Sigfreud and Roy. It was absolutely the performance of the night.

Sandra Bezic: That was hot!

He only scored a 90.25 and wound up in third. He was only given a 7.5 for transitions when Plushenko scored a 6.8! Plushenko did not look pleased to have Daisuke on his tail. Don’t worry Evgeny, there are more elements for the judges to prop you up with in the long program!

Joubert showed an exceptionally gay run back stage but was not shirtless. Then Johnny walked in with his purse and looked bemused.

Lambiel took to the ice next and they showed my sister’s favorite clip of him swinging the flag during Opening Ceremonies. My sister thought he was gayer than Johnny and was not surprised to hear the rumors about the two of them from way back.

Sandra instructed us all to LOOK PAST his costume and focus on his skating. Oh Sandra, touché. The crowd ate up Lambiel even though he barely hung on to his quad toe+double toe combination. He only performed a double axel and was honestly held up by the judges a good bit. (84.53) I'm not surprised at the errors after the way he has been skating this season. He hasn't looked consistent by any means. Did anyone notice that Joubert was clearly watching his program backstage and looked amused by his mistakes? Oh karma...

Nobunari Oda brought his Totentanz to the table and delivered his jumps, but his short program is a snooze. He forgot to perform at all and really seemed weighed down by an over-abundance of hair gel. Nobu should’ve just gone for the quad in the short, because it is a joke that he is ahead of Weir given his lack of performance ability.

Sandra: He doesn’t have the detailed choreography or sophistication of Takahashi.

Then she went on to say that he was still young at 22. Um, Johnny (who must think he is female) went on and on about being ANCIENT at 22.

There is a great commercial about Kristi Yamaguchi bitching about taxes for TurboTax and showing her bitch side, but it was counter-acted by having to sit through that Rachael Flatt commercial for AT&T.

Mary Carillo was back talking about skating and this time it was for a piece about Patrick Chan. We got to see his Asian eyelid surgery up close and I’m thinking his OCD coach might have been the one to inspire him to get it…to improve his presentation?

Mary brought up the fact that no Canadian man has ever won Olympic Gold in Men’s Figure Skating. Mary may officially be the biggest lesbian in skating since Cathy Casey. I sure hope Mary is back for the compulsory dance, because we all know she is a huge fan. I love how they make Mary a lipstick for the broadcast, because she does NOT dress like that off camera. P.S. Her voice is much deeper than Patrick Chan’s.

Brian, “I’d like him better in porn” Joubert was next and had a disastrous performance. His arrogant attitude caught up with him and Didier, as he turned out of his quad toe and then ate shit on a 2 ½ Lutz. Tom Hammond said it was “painful to watch.” Our girl Christine Brennan said that no tears were shed in press row over that performance. 68.000 Heaven.

Kozuka was next with music that is as cool as his skating skills, but his performance ability just can’t match it. I want to like the adorable gaysian, but he suffers from “I like your coach better than you” syndrome. He won points with me for making Uncle Dick smile by blurring that back scratch spin at the end of his program. Girl just needs more attitude. “Walk like it’s for sale and the rent’s due tomorrow!”~Miss Jay Alexander (79.59)

Samuel Contesti- Oy! I feel about him the same way I feel about the deep south. 3Lz+3T (Tight), 3A (Overrotated slightly), 3F (fall). He actually had dirt stains on his overalls…and on his ass. Based on his skating, I don’t think he sat in a mud pie.

Patrick Chan couldn’t sleep in the Olympic Village. It just doesn’t meet his needs. Chan noted the Joubert and Plushenko would be trying to intimidate him with the quad in practice, because it is really all about Patrick. He had three costly errors: step out on triple axel (now there was a real shock…), tripped during footwork and went overtime. 81.12. Oh darn. I live for Johnny making the final group over this egomaniac given how irritating the rest of the skating world finds him. Oh how I miss Jeff Buttle!’

Johnny Weir was swatting away his new Taylor Jacobson bangs before his program. Galina was in her matching mink. His combo was a little tight on the lutz and his lip was a little scratchy, but the judges really had him a place too low and possibly two. His costume was sparklier, as was his performance. Sandra gets points for noting that his program is as front-loaded and transitionless as Plushenko’s. I also caught Johnny making a few new Tanith Belbin faces. Peter Carruthers has been a total condescending asshole about Johnny on Universal Sports, so I was really glad that he delivered. He has been landing quads in practice. Sandra did jinx him by saying he respects the IJS now. (82.10)

Alex Forrest predicts that Johnny will miss a medal by .6 due to leaving out a double toe on a planned three-jump combo.

I will agree with Scott Hamilton that I envy him rooming with Tanith. I’d like her to be my beard. She is good at it.

Sandra brought up that Johnny calls the program “I Love You, I Hate You” in order to recognize both aspects of his personality. I love him in general, but I certainly get those split feelings about him when it comes to competition.

There is no way he should be behind Lambiel.

Two friends, both non-skating fans, texted my about Johnny. He was the #1 trending topic on twitter, worldwide, so it is only fitting.

My buddy Dan goes way back with Johnny. He watched Johnny win 2005 Nationals with me in my dorm room and has been amused by him ever since.]

Dan: Is Johnny Weir actually a woman?

Then, my coworker Erica sent a text from a bar where she was watching with her boyfriend (Rob---just think of him as a lumberjack).

Erica: Rob says the only way Johnny could get gayer would be if he actually had a dick in his mouth. And said comparatively, he made you look like, well him (Rob).

Suzanne Bonaly got home late from seminar and was eating during the Evan/Abbott fluff piece. SB is livid for NBC’s insensitivity because plenty of people could’ve been trying to digest food while Evan was on screen.

I really lived for Evan running around in Rocky-esque shots. I expected him to charge through the Meat-Packing District at any moment.

KVDP landed his jumps in some odd skeleton costume that was missing a spine.
Alex Forrest: Too bad he didn’t draw a bone where one should’ve been.
Sandra Bezic: Good for him. He just isn’t in the same league.

Verner gave another typical performance for himself this season. Double Toe, Triple Axel (Sashasplat), 3Lz+3T
His bulge in his pants was the nicest thing about the performance.

As Evan took center ice, a number of texts came my way.

My favorite came from Suzanne Bonaly (a noted Catholic): “I’m have VERY un-Christian thoughts right now and tomorrow is Ash Wednesday!”

Scott Hamilton was fanning himself over Evan yet again. “He is so beautifully trained.”(Whatever that means.)

Evan did lay down the jumps. Those melodic first tones of Firebird chimed in and we knew to look away because the flailing was upon us. I did live for Evan queening out and crying after the program…only to hide his tears with his feathered gloves. It was even better than him fixing his makeup in the Kiss and Cry after his short at 2009 US Nationals. (90.30)

I cannot bear for him to be Frank Carroll’s first Olympic Champion and God will owe us MAJORLY if it happens. He let Khorkina be fucked over and Kwan succumb to the devil twice. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It shouldn’t happen, but Plushenko’s knee could always fall off.

There was one last hope for the night, and it was Jeremazing. Unfortunately, what so many of us have feared came to transpire. Jeremy caught the Czisny. That shit is contagious. 3F+3T, 1A, 2Lz. He had been having axelitis in practice (it always happens at his big events). Jeremy needs to look at who he surrounds himself with :Czisny, Browning, Sato… Can you say…bad Olympic karma? Hopefully he will have a miraculous World Championships.

He did say there was a good chance he’d be back next season if all his dreams don’t come true in Vancouver…

Brezina ended the night well, but I was too upset over Jeremazing. I tried to mentally prepare, but I had such hope that he would have a Paul Wylie moment. There is just something so off about Abbott skating to center ice with his “Deer In The Headlights” look and his self-pitying “Pigs Can Fly” fan club. It is one of those things you just can’t put your finger on, but you know is slightly off. Don’t “OWN” being a head case. Go to a sports psychologist.

Evan was shown talking to Fusar-Poli (who winked at all of us) and then cried during his interview while he pretended not to know that it was close between him and Plushenko (even though he was in the Kiss and Cry and could see the scores and placements.)

Margaret Thatcher summed up the night best: “I feel like I have to go wash off the gay orange tanning lotion that Evan got all over me.”